Never diagnosed with anything but don't fit in at all.

[Itsnotblippi]

Hi.

I'm just looking for some insight.

I've never been diagnosed with any neuro divergence (sorry if I have worded that wrong).

I got through childhood/school fine, I wasn't a top performer but average to good and finished high school with A-C grades and then went on to get ok A Level results. I tried to get a degree at university but I suffered from racing heart, swimming vision and I couldn't contribute in the group seminars or the computer labs where we were required to work in small/medium groups let's say between 6-10 people because my mind would just blank when asked for input and I'd just fade into the background a bit. This obviously caused me anxiety about attending and guilt and shame, too embarrassed to speak to tutors etc so eventually I avoided going and dropped out.
I managed to get into work by route of an apprenticeship and I stayed with the company for quite a few years. In my twenties I had bouts of depression, which included memory issues, fatigue, inability to function on some days, like my brain just wouldn't click in to action. I'd be really tired after a relatively normal week with work and maybe an activity at the week ( day trip or socialising) and needed at least a day to rest and recharge. Previous partner often called me lazy, I believed him at the time and felt guilty. I'd see others out 4 nights a week, gym classes in the morning, activities all weekend and loud and happy on the Monday morning back at work, and I'd think I need to be like that, I tried but it just led to fatigue. I've been healthy weight and I've been overweight and it's still the same, I still need at least a day to recoup from the week. I have to set alarms on my phone to remind me to stay on track with things otherwise I'll just go into either lala land or a catatonic state either staring in the mirror or sitting on the bed ( think mornings getting ready for work, school run , even relaxing on my lunch break or sitting in the car mentally preparing myself for the day ahead before getting out and going into the office). I often arrive to appointment half an hour early and just sit in the car waiting until 10 mins before and then I go in. I cannot hack it if I have multiple things booked in the day. Appointment and social event on the same day is an issue, cannot compute, brain goes apesh*t and I am anxious until it is over with.

I struggle to function if I have an appointment booked or even just scheduled meeting a friend or going out somewhere, it affects my mood negatively, I can't sleep sometimes, feel nauseous, irritable etc.
I'm also, a bit slow at processing things or taking things in. You can show me a proccess at work once, you can give me instructions once, but it doesn't sink in until I've written it down in my own words and practiced it ( when I say practice , I mean do in real situation). Which initially was an issue as I'd get stressed that I'd be sacked for incompetence and it would blooming consume me, I'd lose sleep over being lazy and stupid and incapable. Then it would click in and I'd be a pro... until they changed the proccess again and so on... (in the end it was a none issue because I'd laugh about it and know I'd get it eventually). I'd also struggle to answer a simple email at times, the wording just wouldn't come to me, can't think of an example but in my earlier days I'd just pretend not to have seen it until I was able to think out a response, even if it was a 2 sentence answer, I did improve with this unless it was a social question or non work related in which case it would take ages to come up with a response.

Now I'm out of work due to economic factors and searching for work again and dreading it, my mind goes blank in interviews so I'll be writing everything down, sometimes it looks like dedication sometimes it looks O.T.T eccentric.

The point is these things have always been in my head down to laziness, probably low I Q (I don't know my score, I refuse to test myself) and up until now I have been battling with myself to change and be a better person. But I have accepted that it is just the way I am and I need to learn to accept myself flaws and all and just try and navigate life with the tools in hand so I can get through it. I'm kind, loyal and trustworthy and I have a very dry sense of humour which is hit and miss, some love it some do not get it at all. But I find it hard to instantly connect with people, my circle is small but strong and I do better in small intimate settings and deeper conversation or informal due to know that person inside out. Can't do small talk with acquaintances, I'm awful and awkward and sometimes say something that in my head sound like a compliment or a joke but it gets taken in the wrong way. I once tried to compliment the neatness and professionalism of a lady who made cupcakes and brought them into work. I told her " Wow they look shop bought." The look on her face told me I'd insulted her and I tried to explain what I meant but the ship had sailed. Cringe. Lesson learnt.

In all my time at school I was the shy one. I'd get on with my work and barely got in trouble. Once or twice for carrying on a conversation or laughing with a friend when the teacher asked us to settle so they could speak but nothing untoward. Only one teacher ever suggested autism and she was a primary teacher, very stern and I was intimidated by her, she made me go into my shell and she suggested to my parents that I may be autistic.

My parents asked in other parents evening the following years but they were all happy with my development and didn't see any signs.

I'm now in my 30s and wonder if this teacher had a point and why nobody else noticed anything and I'm wondering if this is why I've struggled with some aspects of my life. I'm just wondering if anybody with experience either with your own children or yourselves or maybe if you're in the same age bracket as me and got a later diagnoses (or not). Also if anyone could advise how to go about testing and diagnosis, doctors are a nightmare as it is and it took two weeks of calling my surgery over 50 times a morning just to get a telephone call so they could prescribe anti depressants for the umpteenth time. I have also hear about the very long waiting lists for NHS. I have looked at online tests just to try and get a vague idea of my situation but the questions actually fry my brain and I feel like a fraud because they keep asking if I have a special interest ( I don't) so maybe I'm just a bit strange but not medically diagnosable. I do sometimes spend more time researching the cast of series that I watch than watching the show but I'm pretty sure a lot of people do this.

Thank you if you got this far and sorry if any of this doesn't make sense, any insight or advise would be appreciated.

You sound a lot like me. I’m not diagnosed with anything either.
For a while I thought I was just an introvert but wouldn’t be surprised if I was given an ND diagnosis. Especially ADHD. But I’m not going to seek one now, am mid-forties.

One thing to note is that anxiety also makes it harder to remember things and when you know you won’t remember an instruction because that’s how your brain works (or doesn’t!) that sets off that anxiety.

Im trying to remember the term that describes the inability to get going and do stuff. Whatever it is anyway, I have that inability in spades.

You sound very self aware and I think these characteristics lead us to be to highly conscientiousness from a lifetime of masking them, so try not to worry about interviews etc - no one interviewing you knows what’s in your head about yourself, they only know what you show and tell them. 🙂😇

Sorry it’s not advice or v helpful, just wanted to say I hear you and to give yourself a break. You’re not lazy. You’re (probably) ND. 😊

From what you’ve written here you don’t sound like you have a low IQ at all! You sound like maybe you have issues with executive functioning which could definitely point to ND, maybe ADHD? I think we all accidentally put our foot in our mouth from time to time so I don’t necessarily think this is autism, for me autism would be more if you were dominating conversations with monologues and not able to have a back and forth conversation or ask questions. Accidentally offending people feels more ADHD to me.

The waiting lists are long with the NHS but you could start by getting your name on a waiting list for an ADHD assessment. As far as I know, they do a really long questionnaire with you to determine if you have ADHD.

If you get a diagnosis then you can try out the various medications available. You might find that medication really helps you with being able to get up and go and get to your tasks, not be overwhelmed with looming appointments etc. Depending on your job, if you got a new one you might find that you get private health insurance, some pay for ADHD assessments so that’s something to consider. You could also just pay privately, it would be around £1,000 for an assessment though, but once you get your prescription you can then go back into NHS for repeat prescriptions I think.

If you have the money it might be worth the initial investment if it will help you with interviewing and time management while you job hunt. And knowing more about yourself and potential neurodiversity might also really help your self esteem.

Thank you. Yes I think you're right about us being overly aware after years of reflection and trying to assess what has gone wrong. It's just one of those night where I'm lying here and thinking what if more teachers had picked up on things, would I have a degree, would things have been put in place to make things more manageable, because I enjoyed the course content when I was at uni it was more the setting that I struggled with.

But yes you have a point about anxiety and memory and the endless cycle, I've always presumed it was anxiety and depression messing up my memory and processing but it's just when you read things and hear things and think " oh my goodness, that is me." It makes you wonder if there's other reasons for the issues.

I'm wondering if it's motivation that you're thinking of? It's so annoying when you know the word but it won't come to the forefront of your brain.

You say you are not bothered about ever getting a diagnosis due to your age, but is this due to how hard and time consuming it is or just because you know how your brain works now and it doesn't matter too much about being diagnosed with anything because you are aware of yourself and what you find more difficult in life?

Lots of what you are talking about in terms of your experience is poor executive function. It could be ADHD, anxiety, trauma, autistic traits or just your personality. The only way to know one way or another is a diagnosis. Self-knowledge is generally a good thing, right?

I have ADHD and am autistic, was diagnosed, after a 5 year wait, at 50, when it all became glaringly obvious and after a lifetime of cycles of burnout, breakdown and poor mental health. Stimulants have been a godsend, and now I accommodate myself, or a lot more than I did. I wouldn't have allowed myself that without a diagnosis.

So I would ask for a referral.

Executive Function

I'll have to read up on executive functioning, that very interesting, the whole image of ADHD has changed so much over the years. I remember when I was younger it was very much focused on hyperactivity and I cannot remember any girls in my class who were diagnosed, even in later senior school years. It's interesting to see and read about the other sides to it. With conversation, I don't think I drone on but I have on occasion noticed people get bored and change the conversation direction or it just Peters out into awkward silence sometimes. In the past I've wierd people out, I remember in college we were speaking about jacket potato s and I mentioned how I love the sking when it's crispy, I got called a wierd and she turned her back on me 🤣 Not sure if she hated my food preferences or I sounded to over enthusiastic. One more thing that may be of relevance is that I sometimes struggle to tone my voice appropriately, like I'll be happy or enthusiastic about something but my answer will come out flat. I never used to notice but over the last year or so, I became aware and have to point out that I am not being unenthusiastic or disinterested it just came out all wrong.

I definitely don't have the funds so the waiting list would be most logical for me. I had to talk myself out of paying 200 for some weight loss injections last months because there's no way I can afford that outcome for several months and one course isn't going to help me.

I honestly can't imagine living my life without being overwhelmed. Anti depressants worked for a short while and gave me more clarity and motivation (lifted the brain fog a bit) but the last course made me very tired and did nothing for my brain functioning. Thanks for this insight and advise, I'll definitely have to read up more on ADHD it may be another route to explore other than autism (although I also forgot to mention, I do struggle to know how long to give eye contact in conversations, I promp myself to do it but I am so aware of myself that I worry that maybe I'm staring too intensely so then I have to break eye contact a bit and I get a bit twitchy and nervous, but then again it could just be anxiety)

Not sure what a sking is. Skin.

Hyperactivity isn’t just racing around, unable to sit still. It can be thoughts in your head. All thoughts all at the same time. You brain is never quiet or if by some miracle it is on occasion you get through so much work and can’t understand why that day can’t be repeated

All those who aren’t seeking a diagnosis for ADHD, even though the likelihood is you have Adhd please reconsider and remember that no matter how much you think you have your ADHD symptoms under control that people with unmedicated ADHD have a significantly reduced lifespan

Also depends where you are how long the waiting list is

My area was so quick when I was diagnosed, I went to the GPs to be referred and 12 weeks later was leaving with my first prescription for meds (NHS)

Relating to lots of this, had a lifetime of feeling a bit dumb/incompetent/lazy/irresponsible. Recently diagnosed with ADHD in my 40s and trialling different medication.

I highly recommend Unmasked by Ellie Middleton (someone pls correct me if I got her name wrong)

OP, you sound like my dd who has autism with inattentive ADHD. She has social communication issues, slower processing speed and poor executive function.

She never answers my texts or emails the first time. I still manage her money (she is in her final year at uni). She masks constantly and it is exhausting for her.

I don't know if you know it but you are masking too and I feel for you. You are also very self-aware and have developed compensatory strategies. There is such a thing as autistic burnout.

I wish I had answers but don't. Will read this thread with interest.

If I were to cut and paste everything you have written, apart from changing the age to 52 you post would literally describe me, to a t.

I am on a very long waiting list for an adhd assessment but I am certain I also have some autistic traits too.

I hope you manage to get some answers soon op, the whole hanging on a thread, never quite knowing is just awful.

Wow, so much of this resonates with me too. It’s only recently I started to question some of my “ unusual” traits.
The instruction example is so true for me too. Also if someone gives me verbal directions to a place, I cannot remember anything. Also no sense of direction!
im particular about where I sit in a room, need personal space, struggle with friendships as most people just seem so fake and o need my alone time. I get very anxious about mistakes at work and overcheck.
i remember some traits as a child that would probably stand out now too - hair sucking/twiddling, not enjoying games, etc. Also remember sitting on my bed almost in a trance not bring able to motivate myself to move!!
Like you I don’t like more than one appointment in a day.

You sound like such a really lovely person OP 🤗
You could be describing me in so many ways and so refreshing to read such an honest portrayal of yourself. I’m sure writing all this down has helped untangle your thoughts a little and bring some clarity.
I am a late diagnosed ADHDer with some psychological issues from childhood thrown in.
Just knowing that I’m not mad, lazy, weird or crazy was the greatest gift, as I’ve beaten myself up all my life and now I’m finally good mates with me ( and laugh a lot at myself too 😉)
A referral to Psychiatry UK via the GP is a good starting point . Bags of luck❤️ xx

I skim read that. I have adhd diagnosed late 30s and am on the wait list for an autism assessment.

Where you wrote about needing to write things down and not coping when things change - that is me to a tee. I read about contextual learning being very important in autism
. I need to know why something matters, how it relates to existing information, and apply it in several times in multiple contents for it to stick. I write process notes for everything (this doesn't get any easier with age it gets worse!) now from work to packing lists to how to do my monthly finances. I've bought a labelling machine and labelled the shit out of every box in my home, you get the idea.

I went back to study in my mid 20s as a way of proving I could study without falling apart. The topic was kind of irrelevant but finding a process that didn't kill me and enabled me to produce work mattered more. It doesn't sound like you have low IQ at all. You have a lot of insight. We have lots of negative messages and self talk with neurodivergence that can get in the way of moving forward. That sounds more like what has held you back. I've recently been doing EMDR therapy and it's been amazing. I am diagnosed and have ADHD meds. The only thing that comes close to them for me is doing lifting heavy weights at the gym. I don't need meds when I'm doing that regularly. Good luck.

On ADs I got on okay with citalopram a few years back which are meant to be better for focus and motivation. Last time I took them they didn't help as I was tired all the time. The progesterone pill wasn't unhelpful as it made me feel calm all the time, which was calming (although a bit disorientating). I stopped as it gave me a gnawing feeling of being hungry all the time though.

It's very common with ND to ruminate on the past. I've learned gradually to recognise this and more importantly for me when I am Catastrophising (brilliant at this). It was actually an ADHD coach that helped me notice it. The coach gave me quite lot of helpful tips and Outlook on ADHD which I still refer back to and try and apply. I guess point being is there is 100% real chance of making your life easier and better with support.

It's just getting the support that either takes ages or is expensive.

I recognise your story.
I was diagnosed aged 52 with Aspergers.

Wow. Thank you for all of your replies and comments. I appear to have missed the notifications previously.

It's nice to feel validated and I'm hoping to speak to my GP to get the ball rolling on an assessment. I actually found a site that advised about right to choose and filled In an assessment which I'm hoping I can show to my GP to get me a referral. I'll also speak to them about my mental health as I am unable to sleep and there are a lot of negative thoughts whizzing around, I've not been able to concentrate enough to watch the 2nd series of Severence which is something that I was soo looking forward to (as sad as thar is).

On another note, I managed 2 appointments in 1 day today...3 if we count the morning school run (which I do because of timing constraints), I braved my first eye test since 2019 and before that. I pushed my anxiety aside about the job centre as I've had a positive break through but my coach wasn't to bothered. I got absolutely savaged by my work coach who cannot understand why I'm struggling to spend 35 hours a week actively seeking work (baring in mind I've secured an interview for a cleaning job... an completely different industry to what I've got experience I'm but hey ho, part time school hour restrictions). I lost my last job due to no fault of my own but she acts as if I'm a lazy piece of filth on her shoe and as if I've never worked a day in my life. I had to try and defend my decision not to apply for jobs in school due to my personality being incompatible in a school environment where assertiveness is a must. Just to note, I do want a job, I'm not lazy but I know where I'd fit in well and I know where I'd probably have a nervous breakdown or get sacked. My industry is lacking in part time school hour jobs and my children didn't adapt well to being in breakfast club, looked after by family who were available at the time and only seeing me for a couple of hours before bed, they are different children since I've been unemployed and I believe working school hours could hopefully keep that going.

Anyway I'll take on board all of your comments and hold on to the fact that I'm not a COMPLETE alien, there are others that struggle with life too. So thank you.

I know this thread's getting a bit old now, but wanted to say hi. While I don't necessarily relate to the details of your story, I very much do to the feeling of being irredeemably out of sync with the way people are 'supposed' to think, learn and behave!

I also underperformed at school, partly because of a terrifying father but also due to an 'attitude problem' that actually had nothing to do with my attitude. It mystified me as much as my teachers, who'd been predicting an easy place at Oxford since junior school. After failing my degree (definitely not at Oxford!) I landed an enjoyable career in an industry that values creative enthusiasm over things like punctuality and sticking to rules. Even this, though, was held back by upper management types who labelled me a maverick. They didn't mean it as a compliment.

Anyway, getting to the point by the long route (sorry), neurodiversity only became a known thing by the time my career was ending being ended. Many, many people have now suggested I may have ADHD. I've done tons of online tests ... and I don't think it is. It's close but I score higher for dyspraxia. It may even be something else that hasn't got a label yet, how would I know?

I didn't feel I need a label at this stage in life. But it WOULD have helped during my career, and even in relationships. I firmly believe that people should be more bloody accepting of the fact that everyone's different, with individual strengths & weaknesses, and the labels should be reserved for those with severe impairments. Few are, however, so the labels help the 'marginally weird' gain the flexibility (or rigidity) and tolerance we need to function at our best.

It sounds very much as though you have lost confidence thanks to not being accepted as you are: it's the definition of needing reasonable adjustments! For this reason, I'd urge you to figure out which label best describes you, and start asking for adjustments.

As I understand it, you can do this without a formal diagnosis. Regulars on this board will know more about it. I very much hope you'll find your stride, and will flourish!