allthegoodonesaretakenalready ·
18/12/2024 18:14
My soon to be husband has 2 children from a previous relationship (daughter 12 and son 9). Both are diagnosed ASD but not profoundly so.
His daughter has more support needs and behavioural issues. Currently, she often does not want to come over on the days she is due to see her dad and stays at our house overnight once a month at most when forced to because she does not want to. If it can be avoided, she is not forced to come if she does not want to. She struggles with sharing space/people touching her things and her relationship with her brother is up and down as they irritate the dodo out of each other half the time! They often have conflicting needs and whilst she likes quiet, he likes to speak 24/7!
His son currently cannot sleep alone unless in his bedroom at his mum's, so my partner sleeps on a sofa bed next to his bed up in the loft conversion with him as it's the only place that two independent beds can be set up space wise. He usually stays overnight once a week.
The kids are scheduled to come to us 2 nights after school, overnight on a Friday and all day Saturday. Occasionally they stay until Sunday afternoon if their mum needs them to.
We currently live in a terraced house. It's small but does the job but there are various issues like the size of the garden and the parking on the road that are making us consider moving.We are looking to start trying for a baby at the end of next year and want to sort housing arrangements out before then.
For reference - We currently have 2 bedrooms and a loft conversion which is used as a third bedroom and our office (both work from home).
Option 1
Buy a three bedroom house. One bedroom for us, one for a baby and one to use as a guest room mainly for my partner's son but when his daughter does stay with us, my partner and his son could 'camp' in the living room/office stay downstairs which could be shut off and dedicated as 'his space' when he is with us. His daughter would not tolerate sleeping on a sofa bed but his son would at this point in time.
We simply cannot afford a 4 bedroom, it isn't an option. We have looked!
Pros - we feel we would have a nicer house, in a nicer area with a bigger garden, better parking and better schools for our baby. Could be closer to kids' mum's house.
Cons - unsure how well the children would adapt to having to share a spare room (one at a time) or one not having set room on occasion when they both sleep over. Would also cost a lot more on mortgage so less money for things like driving lessons, holidays, medical/therapies etc as the children grow up.
Option 2
Convert our current house into a dormer which would mean our bedroom and the baby's bedroom is the loft conversion that would be split into two rooms. Both children would have bedrooms on the middle floor, one being shared with our office but sectioned off and only really used as an office when they are in school anyway.
Pros - far cheaper so more money to be spent on everyone, everyone would have thier own permanent rooms, not having to actually move house!
Cons - unsure how my partner's son would cope without his dad sleeping with him, also aware he may not want this in a few years! Staying in our current house would mean the schools are not as good for a baby and house issues that have made us consider moving in the first place. Also aware that in a few years time, or even now, my partner's daughter may stop staying with us overnight entirely by choice.
Long story short, we don't want any of the kids (existing and hypothetical baby) to feel unwelcome, uncomfortable or like a spare part but also very aware that the way things are now will be very different in 5 years time and trying to plan for everything now is very hard!
Any thoughts/advice welcome 😊