Do you ever not feel sure why a relationship ended?

[Notsurewhototell]

ADHD woman here. Single mum. Just ended a 3-year relationship and gone no contact.

I have terrible RSD. I struggle to express my needs and boundaries. I am working with a CBT therapist on this. I just don't feel able to 'frame' the relationship ending scenario accurately. Can anyone guide me?

Quick history, from most recent to earliest:

It ended after we had a row. He said I was always really mean to him, called me crazy and slapped my hand after I raised it to signal he was being too loud (kids in the house). I felt terrified and traumatised, cried and cried. I left and haven't been back in contact other than to text to say I was going no contact.

We had been talking about moving in together but I felt he hadn't been enthusiastic. Also I had received no evidence he felt enthusiastic. He said family members were unsure we should do it. I was really upset by this and told him so.

Before this we had really struggled with logistics. I can't plan timings and transport very well and am no good at making short term arrangements. We live 1.5 hours apart. He told me off for being crap at planning and overly focused on the long term future - like buying a house - and unfocused on short term arrangements like what we would do at the weekend.

I used to cry a lot during arguments. I think I complained a lot and got upset about minor things because of RSD. When I tried to express needs, I felt he was talking me around in circles. He would ask me to specify exactly what I was talking about, say dates and times. He would say things I had said that I didn't remember saying. He would say things I said had happened hadn't happened. He didn't comfort me when I cried. Perhaps that was because I was being annoying and crying was deflecting, stopping me listening?

I just don't know. This relationship is done but I would like another one some day. I think I don't know how to show up in relationships and that its impossible to find someone I can expect to understand me.

I have never called anyone a bad name or physically abused them, that I am sure of. I have loads of good friends and strong family ties. I can't tell friends or family about this though until I can start to understand it for myself. I don't want to slip into victimhood as a way of deflecting from my own deficits and challenges.

Any of this sound familiar to anyone? How did you deal with it?

Thanks so much in advance.

Have a relationship with a nice person who makes you feel good about yourself.

If you are continually being told off, bullied etc, then it isn’t a good relationship.

ND people may well need a partner who is particularly accommodating and supportive. There may be moments of frustration on both sides, but you should still be able to recognise the other person’s perspective/feelings.

You're right. Thank you. I have been overthinking it.

A relationship where I was crying all the time was one I needed to end. I think it is as simple as that.

My issue is that this person made me feel great at first. He was so understanding. But I ignored the red flags that came later.

When I tried to express needs, I felt he was talking me around in circles. He would ask me to specify exactly what I was talking about, say dates and times. He would say things I had said that I didn't remember saying. He would say things I said had happened hadn't happened. He didn't comfort me when I cried. Perhaps that was because I was being annoying and crying was deflecting, stopping me listening?

This is emotional abuse. He sounds horrible. My ex used to do all of this to me. It messed with my head for years.

I wonder, do you have people in your life you can be really honest with? Sometimes we need to tell other people what is going on in our relationships and see what they think.

They may say you are worrying about something that’s not important, or they may be shocked at the nastiness.

It can help to get another perspective.

He sounds abusive and also it sounds like he just wasn't that into you. Not your fault and nothing you can do about it.

I'm also ND and had a BF once who really love bombed me at the beginning, I'm talking flying me to Miami for a holiday in the first few months and sending me gifts regularly, telling me how much he loved me on Skype every night, and then he came to visit me (we didn't see each other in person a lot as he worked on a boat) and said he wasn't ready for a relationship after all and just dropped me. Carried on being nice and polite throughout, was very apologetic, left £500 on the dining table when he went, kept sending gifts for a while after.

Still really confused where I went wrong with that one.

To those who have had the same: is being treated in this way connected to our neurodiversity? Or perhaps the ND makes us respond more strongly to the injustice of verbal or emotional abuse where other women might stay in these relationships or try harder to keep the peace?

I think I am definitely bad at spotting red flags. Maybe it’s that thing about hyperfocusing on a person at the start of a relationship? I definitely do that if I am into someone. Perhaps that makes me miss red flags? This guy had loads! His ex wife accused him of abuse, they were in a high conflict custody battle and he didn’t have any close friends. He had lots of elegant, convincing narratives explaining why. And he was so sweet to me at the beginning. He really focused on and listened to and validated me.

I know now this was an act. I’ve seen him pull that version of himself out at social occasions (if it’s someone he needs to impress).

As the relationship progressed however he gradually dropped the mask. I see the chronology clearly now.

It was more verbal abuse than emotional I think. He didn’t control my actions or who I saw or where I went. But he did tell me what I was thinking, tell me what I was motivated by and define me. When I said that x thing he was saying I was doing wasn’t true, he would talk over me, tell me I was lying and storm out the house or hang up the phone.

This lack of validation, the refusal to listen to my ideas, the countering of my thoughts and opinions, that was him using words to tear me down. It was like the cross examinations you see on TV. ‘You did this because you wanted this to happen’ kind of thing. Maybe that’s ok in a courtroom but it isn’t ok in a relationship.

I would get so angry about this I couldn’t bear it. I would break down and cry. I left him because i was crying all the time.

Perhaps NT women would be more likely to agree, change the subject, go along with it? I have some friends who I see doing this with their husbands.

‘He wasn’t that into you’ is not quite the case. I mean I can’t say because we cannot judge what is happening inside someone’s head. We can only know their behavior, words and actions.

But the poster here is right in that he wasn’t into actual me. He was into a version of me that he’d dreamed up! One that shared all of his preferences and perceptions and goals. One that would naturally enjoy the date he had arranged for us without being consulted on what it was, when it was and whether I could make time for it. When I didn’t, he felt aggrieved and attacked and shut me down

I did notice the behavior escalated when I made a commitment to him.

He wanted us to buy a house together and for me to be his kids’ stepmum. After I agreed to these things he was then defining me, countering me and shutting me down a lot more. In our final week together he told me I was faking being ill to get out of doing something with him, that I ‘always’ did this, that I’d used being upset about a friend telling me they were diagnosed with cancer to ‘deflect’ from some unacceptable behaviour he was accusing me of, and that I am a lunatic.

I do still feel like I’m not sure what happened exactly though. I can’t define what my part in the conflict was or if I had a part in it. I am finding it hard to remember things I said and mainly remember the feeling of being frustrated, invalidated and upset. But I literally went through all the old text messages and I do see that I always used ‘I’ statements and didn’t make accusations or define my ex’s motivations.