OK. Deep breath. I'm looking for advice/help make sense of a friend issue and input from other ND people would be helpful in relation to ND friendships and dynamics. I would prefer to hear from ND posters as my friend and I are both ND. I'm AuDHD, friend is ADHD and dyslexic.
Friend has gradually slow faded - some of this change happened after getting into a new relationship, but it's been more pronounced this year. Over the last 12 months, she's cancelled anything we arranged to do in person, takes a long time to reply to anything etc. She's made vague comments about having "stuff going on" or "family stuff" and recently messaged to say she was sorry she hadn't been in touch for a while but she'd had to have an operation and that she had other stuff happening and was just hibernating until it was resolved. I sent a message saying it was nice to hear from her, sorry to hear she'd had to have an operation and I hope she's recovering ok, let me know if she needs anything. I then got one back saying my message was a bit cold and it sounded like I was distancing from her.
I don't really know where to go from here. I can see she's clearly been through a hard time, withdrawing maybe is how she deals with that, and part of me really wants to be understanding and affirming of how her ND brain needs to handle things. But this has also been RSD triggering and I've been confused and a bit hurt at the withdrawal and the vague reasons, and a bit "is it me? Have I done something? Why won't she tell me what's actually going on?"
I guess it's the not knowing that's making this hard - is it a minor operation or is it cancer? I don't know what the family stuff is either. I have had no idea for months really how to be or respond other than general "let me know if there is anything I can support with" or "I hope you're coping ok". I've been afraid of saying or doing the wrong thing for ages because she's been so squirrelly about what's actually going on - which she has every right to be, of course, she's entitled to be private, but I struggle then to know the right way to be. I didn't even know she had health issues. Most of my other ND friends are very straight up when they have shit happening even without giving lots of detail, but she is the only close ND friend I have who isn't autistic, so that may make a difference.
ND MNers, what do I do here? Am I a dick to feel hurt and confused by how this friend has gone about things, or am I just being selfish and I just need to be there no matter what?