Life being ND

[feelingstucktoday]

I still have one whole year until I get my full assessment (have had two preliminary ones).

The thing is that it seems like we (as in my DH & I) blame a lot of my behaviours to being ND.

At home:
Being messy
leaving drawers /doors open

Parenting/family/social:
Being fairly detached (including my own children and my sister, cousins, etc)
Not liking people in general but kind of liking socialising
Having "odd" ideas

At work:
Getting bored easily
Feeling disappointed with most jobs
(I've been able to hold jobs for long periods of time though, but I'm not happy)

Behavioural:
Being fairly "sensorial" ie I like feeling the music flowing through me
Being fairly intolerant
I don't snap easily, but when I do, I raise my voice, and get very angry
I have multiple thoughts running through my head at all times, but I fixate in some

I've had a bit of childhood trauma (as well as some generational) and have been in therapy, but I don't think it has helped.

I don't feel low often, and I think my moods are stable for the most part too.

I'd love to hear from other ND mums and see if it's just me, or if it's really life on the spectrum.

A lot of those things are 'normal'. Particularly becoming bored with jobs. Why wouldn't you be disappointed at having to sacrifice the majority of your waking hours doing something for someone else? It would be insane to be happy about that surely? Stop accepting that everything we do is wrong and everything neurotypicals do is right.

What type ND do you think you have? You don't sound particularly ND

Supposedly autism. All screenings have shown that I score high for it.

They all sound perfectly normal things. What do hope you can when you have a diagnosis?
I work with children with autism by the way and have ADHD.

I just hope access to better therapy. My therapist could not comprehend I don't have any feelings for my sister whatsoever, and I struggle with my own daughter.

Plus the whole being able to project my imagination (it's called prophantasia) she thought I was schizophrenic (which I'm not).

OP, I’m autistic and at my assessment they made it clear that therapy that isn’t autism-informed can actually be detrimental as it’s based on assumptions that simply don’t apply to many ND folk. This is partly why so many autistic people (esp women) are misdiagnosed with eg bipolar, schizophrenia, OCD, ED, depression, anxiety, etc. Your therapist sounds pretty inept at any rate, tbh.

I’m pretty much the opposite to you in terms of tidiness. I like the house to be tidy and clean or otherwise my brain becomes messy too. I’ve struggled with the social side of things especially in jobs where I can be professional but probably not everyone’s favourite colleague because I don’t get pally with people. I don’t really do banter, although I can appreciate the humour. I have misophonia (I think that’s what it’s called) and struggle with audio sensitivity with things like heavy breathing so I use loop earplugs a lot. Some things can be overwhelming for no obvious reason, just sensory overload I suppose.

Controversially, or not, I don’t have a diagnosis, and don’t plan on saving up for an assessment given that I’m sure I’m autistic. I used to line things up as a child and had ocd, had to do things in 3’s. I could read and write before I started school and found letters particularly captivating. I think my socialising wasn’t typical but nobody noticed things like that back in the 90’s unless it was super obvious - it would now appear. I don’t find socialising easy and so I back out of it in general. Have my own (ND) family now so it doesn’t bother me. My son is autistic and speech delayed, so I’ve seen his atypical development from the ground up and have learned so much about something that had always been in the back of my mind, and now I accept that’s who I am. I don’t tell people in my life about it though, don’t feel that it’s even relevant to discuss, unless someone else mentioned that they are autistic, then we’d have something in common!

I think if you are hoping for access to better therapy you must make sure it is with a ND affirming therapist, or better still, one that is ND themselves. You don't want my situation whereby I told mine I was autistic and have ADHD and she didn't believe me...

Best of luck with the next year until your assessment. In the meantime I would try to access a better therapist.

Unfortunately there is little help out there post diagnosis bar educating yourself on your condition, and changing behaviours accordingly (eg wearing headphones, sunglasses if you have sensory issues, making sure you rest well etc etc) and of course there are meds available if you have ADHD. But for autism alone, sweet FA!

In terms of work however, you are legally entitled to 'reasonable adjustments' as autism & ADHD are developmental disabilities, so these adjustments could somewhat improve your work life.

Thank you! Like I mentioned in the OP, I DO have childhood trauma but all therapists want to blame it on that, but my behaviours have been there before the "event" happened.

So I remember looking at license plates trying to find the pattern between them, and would write down the different songs played by a band in a day and again tried to see if a pattern emerged.

I also go through periods of different fixations.

I've been told I have OCD traits (but I genuinely don't think so).

I also struggle to be empathetic and I'm definitely detached and dislike people in general (but that's periodical too).

The pattern-seeking and fixations def sound like autistic behaviour. I exhibited both from a young age and was (mis)diagnosed with OCD (back in the 90s when autism wasn’t even considered if you could basically cope/mask).

Yes, my DM thought both behaviours were down to being "smart".

In reality now that I think about it I like maths and science in general because they channeled my "need" for looking into patterns.

I've also always had friends (not many of course) but all of them have been some sort of "misfit". My best friend's son is ND and she now suspects she is too. To me that shows why we gravitated towards each other.

You sound quite similar to me! All my friends throughout life have been “misfits” somehow, and most are either confirmed or suspected ND, including my DH. Honestly all the traits you’ve listed sound pretty textbook for autism.

Yes, my DH thinks he has ADHD. I thought my traits were fairly functioning autistic (which is why I was surprised people here told me I wasn't) but I guess I didn't get into the more granular detail!

I'm ND but my house is pristine and mostly organised. The opposite would make my anxiety go through the roof. I can relate to everything else. Everyday feels like I have to start again.

Have never been able to be organised. I do have limits, but I think to mist people I'd be considered messy.