ADHD and your upbringing if older now

[anythinginapinch]

I'm really confused about cause and effect between my pretty shit parents and my diagnosed adhd.
At 60, and a lifetime of counselling pre knowledge of adhd, I knew my parents were emotionally neglectful people, educated mc liberals who knew fuck all about children's needs - the usual "we took you to stately homes, but didn't know how to comfort you, didn't hug, assumed you were a mini me" people.

They remain this way.

Does anyone know any books or sites that explore the connection or otherwise between emotional neglect and adhd? I don't want to blame them for my adhd but want to understand more about this potential link.

It's like I'm having major life-long RSD towards my parents and I just cannot let go of my anger and hurt and accept they will never change

I do think that a lot of women have been gaslit in to believing that their struggles are all psychological, as opposed to developmental / biological. I don't think that having shit parents can give you ADHD as it is primarily genetic (as far as I understand) but your neurodivergence will have impacted how you move through the world, and how you deal with difficult situations.

Also, given the genetic links, one of more of your parents may be ND. This isn't an excuse (being ND doesn't make you a good person or a bad one) but may help you to reevaluate some of your past interactions. It can be a painful process, so hopefully you can find a good therapist to support you through it

I'm the same age as you, and looking back I feel both my parents (and indeed other relatives both sides) display strong ND tendancies. So I think you can't lay blame with your parents for lack of nurturing skills. I was referred to a child psychologist in my early teens, because I essentially felt different and had started to have various issues, and I wish the findings were still on records. I may have distant recollections of discussions around boys and girls (my brother definitely displayed stronger signs and was dyslexic, something that was only recently being recognised back then). I'm now looking back and so much fits with me except diagnosis is becoming very difficult with the NHS as it is unfortunately, and life seems to feel very overwhelming, now my support network has gone. It's sad

My parents were the opposite of yours, very controlling and emotionally smothering (and not liberal in any sense, lol). They were not good parents although I think they were probably doing their best (my dad definitely has undiagnosed ASD and my mum is pretty chaotic, I am inclined to think she has something along the lines of BPD). I don’t think their crap parenting caused my ADHD but they sure as hell weren’t well equipped to support me and I suffered as a result.