Life long masking - is it possible?

[MsSheldonCooper]

If anyone has the time or inclination to read this list of symptoms (apologies I can’t work out how to do bullet points) I would be keen to know your thoughts. I’ve never considered that I may have any form of neurodiversity or any anxiety or anything else. I figure I’ve just got a lot on my plate and am increasingly struggling to keep up. Keen to know what mumsnetters think as you all will be much more au fait with this stuff than I am.

Nb well done if you make it to the end. This is just a (non exhaustive) brain dump of some things which seem to prove I can’t be ND and others which seem pretty obvious indicators.

I am high performing in a senior professional role
I had great academic achievements at school and uni
Huge number of friends (but usually other people’s friends so more of acquaintances) although I seem to be socially isolating myself more and more
At work have everything under control and while I’m always panicking under the surface, everyone thinks I’m a safe pair of hands
I’m bubbly, popular and (objective view from feedback over the years) seem to be highly thought of
Have no issues making small talk or light conversation and enjoy the buzz of a social gathering
Love to organise social gatherings (but can be unreliable about attending and often back out of things I’ve organised)
I think this social side is a possibly a front though as I’m secretly an introvert and while I love the chat, the buzz and have serious FOMO, I secretly want to leave everything after about 30 mins. I think my social battery might be a bit weak.
Seen by many to be a bit twee and perfect but under the surface I’m a mess.
Take things on which I think make me look like the kind of person I want to be / should be, even when I am almost at burn out
No one knows the real me except my husband. I think I’ve been masking for most of my life, going back to when I started senior school and had no friends but didn’t want my parents to worry so I pretended everything was ok.
I also wandered around school always pretending I was on my way somewhere so no one realised I was alone. I eventually found a group of friends but that started a pattern of other groups ‘adopting’ me throughout my life and me never really belonging anywhere
Got into trouble a couple of times at junior school for correcting a teacher and didn’t understand why I should have to accept their wrong perspective.
I have vague memories of being around 7 and wanting my parents to see me “playing like you see the kids on tv doing” and sitting bored with a doll or something until they noticed
I flit from one personal project to another
Have no willpower
Have synaesthesia and probable misophonia
Repetitive noises really stress me and I can’t concentrate
Sometimes if I realise I’m thirsty (or hungry or something else) while sitting at my desk and then suddenly I become consumed with the sensation and can’t do anything until I’ve had a drink (this is just an example)
I leave everything to the last minute and get very stressed about outfit planning to the extent that I get secretly angry when someone else tells me they’ve already packed for eg a weekend away and I am incapable of doing so
I have a fear of being made to go somewhere which is at odds with “the kind of place I would go”. I’m not a snob and in fact I’m working class, however one of my friends was recently recommending a particular holiday destination on a WhatsApp group and for weeks I worried about it being chosen for a holiday destination and I was anxious about how I might be able to decline.
I have serious rejection sensitivity and worry constantly that I might be letting people down
some music (even music I’ve never heard before) can make me feel super emotional to the extent it feels like my heart will burst and it makes me cry
Increasingly I’m very forgetful and anxious but this could be my stage of life.
I like to think that I’m a kind and patient person but the reality is that I can lose my temper very quickly when I’m over stimulated (eg by repetitive noise or having to repeat myself a lot). I always apologise / feel bad afterwards.
Nb this last part refers to the real me at home. At work I probably make a huge effort to mask my impatience or intolerance
I talk a lot, chatter to everyone and am very guilty of interrupting people and finishing their sentences
I procrastinate terribly on everything and have always thought that it’s because “I work best under pressure” but increasingly I think I leave myself no option.
I have high empathy and have scored super highly in leadership skills training and evaluations
My mind never switches off. I’m exhausted and there’s always something to do because I’m always behind in something or everything. I’ve suffered burnout this year as everything is getting on top of me.

My kids have recently been diagnosed with ASD. I’ve never in my life considered that I could be neurodivergent but reflecting on this I’m pretty sure I might have ADHD. I also wonder about ASD but I’m not sure there’s much evidence. It has become clear to me that I seldom ever reveal the real me so I have been masking my true self/feelings/reactions for a very long time.

Thoughts anyone?
many thanks for any replies.

@MsSheldonCooper You sound like me. I am in my 50's and was diagnosed with ADHD just over a year ago. I didn't have a clue until my daughter was diagnosed and my GP thought it was a good idea for me to do the same. I am now waiting for an ASD diagnosis. Apparently I am high masking, so it is certainly a thing.

The procrastination, racing thoughts and interrupting sound like ADHD, but I am no expert, although it does seem to run in families.
Same with the exhaustion and burnout, I have experienced this too and have always thought there was something wrong with me. It was so helpful to realise that this was part of my ADHD and not something I could change.
Have you thought about speaking to your GP for a diagnosis? At least this way you will know.

Thank you for this. Yes I am keen to get a diagnosis to help me really understand myself but I know it’s not going to happen overnight. Waiting lists are LONG!

how did getting a diagnosis help you to move forward, if you don’t mind me asking?

I'm a little older and some things you've mentioned are very much like me. I've recently been referred for an ADHD assessment under the Right to Choose, both DC are already diagnosed. Im hoping to try medication although I know it isn't for everyone.

I thought you were likely autistic from your first two sentences, before I got to your list :-)

And ADHD is so highly correlated with ASC that you might well be AuDHD.

Be kind to yourself as you explore this possibility. And I would recommend that you think carefully about who you discuss it with, because high-masking autistic people with lots of surface success measures can be disbelieved or dismissed when they express questions about ND. Protect yourself from that. By which I probably mean, find a private psychiatrist/psychologist to assess you who has a track record assessing adult women, don't go the NHS route.

So, potentially, ... congratulations, you may be en route to finding out who you are, and that's a fantastic thing :)

I was a late diagnosed professional. Good at my job and reached a senior responsible role.

In a nutshell, I think you’re a dead ringer for me. I have ASD but was originally diagnosed with Aspergers. You can ask your GP to refer you to a private referral under Right to Choose. Private diagnosis is available if the clinic has a contract with the NHS; depends. On the area you’re in.

How are you getting on @MsSheldonCooper?

You sound very similar to me; diagnosed with both earlier this year. Burnout is the stand-out thing from your list imo - you’re not living your life comfortably, but pushing yourself beyond what you can cope with.

It’s very difficult OP. If you’ve spent your whole life masking or adapting yourself to others’ expectations it is really quite difficult to understand who you are and what you need/want. Plus if you are highly functional/sociable you will get “What, you? Autistic?” comments from people if you disclose. Or you know they’ll be thinking that.

It’s hard going still but I find I can now pause for a second before agreeing to something/planning something etc to ask myself - do you actually want to do this? How would you feel ifit was starting in 10 minutes?

You could be describing me. I feel like I've always been hiding.

You sound like me, and I'm ASD and ADHD late diagnosed.

Only difference is I have never tolerated the social events without drinking. Your description of correcting the teacher made me laugh, I'm so poor at hierarchy that my primary teacher once said to me that I could get up and teach the class if I thought I could do a better job. I took her so literally that I stood up to takeover the lesson.

Be gentle with yourself, it's quite the journey. Echo previous poster that you need someone specialised in female neurodivergence.

Thank you everyone, so much, for your support here. I’ve just caught up with the messages now and appreciate your comments and perspectives.

It’s only been a couple of months since I posted my question but even in that time things are so much clearer for me. I’m almost certain I have ADHD at least and am on a private waiting list for diagnosis. It can’t come quickly enough tbh. I really feel like any diagnosis would validate the way I feel.

@TheWayTheLightFalls you are spot on in a few things you’ve said. No one will believe me if I get a diagnosis so I’ll need to consider how I feel about explaining or otherwise.

i have also started to really think before I say yes now and I do think friends and family are maybe a bit miffed with my absence but I’m prioritising myself and my immediate family right now as my kids are being challenging and I’m heading for burnout again.

I'm quite proud of the changes I’ve been able to make so far though and I’ve been trying to journal every day (just on the iPhone app) which I find really helps. Just being able to go back and read how I was feeling and what action I decided to take is quite validating.

i also find that journaling is making me take more action as I need to ask myself “so what are you going to do about it?”.

Quite nice to see how many of you see toureelces in my post too - makes me feel less invisible.

@UmbrellaEllaEllaElla i didn’t realise I’ve always been masking but your comment about always “hiding” definitely resonates.

@MsSheldonCooper No one will believe me if I get a diagnosis so I’ll need to consider how I feel about explaining or otherwise.

I rarely share my diagnosis but have gotten comfortable now with saying “This is a difficult environment for me to work in - I need to concentrate so I will go somewhere quieter for a bit” or “I work best when I take frequent breaks to walk or move around” or “Yesterday was full on for me, I’m going to plan x or y for today.” (Though I am self employed so the only person signing off on accommodations is me!). Or being honest about my hobbies / downtime. I’m a bit of a nerd and I am past seeking others’ approval for how I spend my time and money.

A lot of your list resonates with me.

I'm autistic and have ADHD, diagnosed later in life. My assessor referenced my exceptional masking ability, and said this would cause me difficulties if I chose to disclose the diagnosis, as I would very likely not be believed by many.

I don't tell many people, but am getting quite good at making accommodations for myself, which I would never have done when younger. I rarely do anything I don't want to do and am much more comfortable in my own skin, eg I will drive to a social event so I can leave when I want, and not feel the pressure to drink. I rest so much more than I ever did. I care far less what others may think of what I do/don't do.

Finding out I am ND has been truly life changing.

I wish you all the best if you go for assessment.

Thank you again @TheWayTheLightFalls - those are some good points / statements worth remembering.

now that I am much more aware of my own needs and “secret” preferences, I am starting to prioritise my own needs more and not doing things I don’t want to do etc. I just need to be more comfortable with this and I think this is part of why I want to pursue diagnosis - I feel like it would validate me “being selfish” and prioritising my own needs. Like I need a medical explanation for doing something which I should have been doing all along.

I know this sounds crazy.

@ffsgloria thank you for your comments too. The extreme high masking bit gives me some comfort because I still worry that I’m going to be uncovered as a fraud who is just looking for an excuse for lying to everyone, when in fact I’m a really genuine person who has just been masking to keep up a front for most of my life since I was bullied at school.

Just wanted to come back and update this thread. I was diagnosed with ADHD (combined) recently and will soon be starting medication.

i have a lot of autistic traits too but I don’t see the benefit in pursuing a diagnosis of ASD at the moment. I do consider that I’m most likely AuDHD though.

what a revelation! Now I feel like I’m rediscovering myself and seeing everything through different eyes 😀

Oh wow. How do you feel about that? How have friends and family responded?

Congratulations. Feels good to know, doesn’t it?

That's big news.

I would say as someone with a formal diagnosis of both - perhaps have a read on Reddit and elsewhere about "audhd medication" or "audhd stimulants" or similar. I had an experience that turned out to be not unusual - when I started taking ADHD meds (Vyvanse, in my case), it was like my autism was cranked to the maximum. Every noise was louder and more annoying, every interaction was difficult and stilted, every sensation hurt or irritated more. It may have had a positive effect on my ability to concentrate, perhaps, but it was hell.

There are other drugs, including non-stimulant meds, but my experience was so bad that I stopped there. My psychiatrist was shades of Ms Trunchbull though; I would consider trying again in the future with someone more empathetic.

It was like I suddenly felt the ways in which the two diagnoses balance each other other for me, and act as a kind of scaffolding. That isn't perfect, clearly, I very much feel both and the limitations they impose, but it was like the meds kicked away my ADHD and left the autistic parts of me dangling.

Thanks @TheCanaryInThePurpleSkirt - friends have reacted well I guess. Family too - I haven’t told those who would react badly as I can’t face their superior pontificating about overdiagnosis of ASD /ADHD etc. I’ve heard it all before.

@TheWayTheLightFalls thank you so much for sharing your experience. It is particularly helpful as my daughter has just been diagnosed with ADHD too and already has a diagnosis of ASD (and has a PDA profile - albeit this is undiagnosed). We are awaiting a medication appointment for her too so will bear all of this in mind.

I’ll also have this conversation with my psychiatrist this week as I have the meds discussion to see what we land on.

I’ve been checking out the adhd threads on Reddit so will look at audhd too. Thank you for your ongoing support.

Np. Shout if you want to talk anything over.

@MsSheldonCooper I detest that dismissal of diagnosis in terms of “everyone’s got…” I had it from people I’d never have thought would react that way. I can reassure them all, I’d rather not have the issues I’ve had throughout my entire life.