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Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

NT teen DD 'hostile' towards me

12 replies

unmemorableusername · 30/09/2024 17:01

She's a good girl overall.

None of the usual wayward teen issues. She works hard, does well, has a good group of friends etc.

But lately we can't converse at all without it becoming a dispute where we both end up upset.

She is rude & cheeky & sarcastic. Her tone is dismissive. She doesnt shout or swear or bang doors but it's hurtful when she shows how much she dislikes me.

I feel like she is punishing me for my ASD eg I dont have theory of mind, take things literally, can be direct in my speech. I'm often misunderstood by her & everyone. She doesnt seem to take into account my disability at all.

I've made a lot of sacrifices for her (over & above expected parenting). But she never shows any appreciation. (I get this is typical of teens).

As she's generally a good girl I let most of it slide.

When I try to talk to her she just gives monosyllabic responses. Mostly I just give up. If I confront her on this it becomes an argument as she says I'm criticising her. Then she says this is why she avoids me.

It's been going round like this for a year or so. Worse recently. We were never close when she was younger as she's temperamentally the double of DP and I worked all hours to provide for her. I feel more like a step mum & don't have the bond I feel with other dc.

We don't have any interests in common. I try to have quality time with her eg film nights but then she just watches the films alone in her room instead of with me. I offer to take her shopping but she says she has no time.

I don't know what to do.

I fear she will leave home soon and I'll never hear from her again.

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 30/09/2024 20:01

It's so bloody hard isn't it? I don't know how it is if you have teen girls but once one or both of you are ND it seems to make things so, so much harder.

My DD will go through phases of doing things with me and then not. She has just had a tv in her room so all tv watching with me has stopped.

I do take her to work and pick her up most days though so have some time in the car with her and she will occasionally want to go shopping before or after.

I hope you find a way through it. If you are desperate you could always ask DP to have a chat with her Flowers

unmemorableusername · 30/09/2024 21:52

Thanks for the reply.

She's still at school & it's close so she walks.

She has a smart tv in her room so watches things in there.

She will sit with us for dinner but sometimes we are all out & about so I can not see her at all for a day or 2!

I give her a lot of leeway for normal teen issues/hormones.

I never say to her about mess on her room floor even though it bugs me.

Or that she does no chores.

Any 'advice' I try to give her is taken as 'criticism'.

I'm scared to speak to her now as every time I do I'm accused of not being nice.

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 30/09/2024 22:17

I totally get that you have your give her a lot of leeway. A DF described having a Teen DD with ASD as being held hostage recently. That really resonated with me.

The mess bothers me too but mine has massive problems with executive function so I tend to clean it up when she's out. I do a minimum of removing dirty dishes and emptying the bin every other day. I cleaned it up at the weekend and bluffer her some fresh flowers and washed the bedding.

She's actually made her bed this morning!

And I get the not taking any advice as well.

unmemorableusername · 30/09/2024 22:22

She's neurotypical.

It's me who has ASD.

OP posts:
PolaroidPrincess · 30/09/2024 22:25

unmemorableusername · 30/09/2024 22:22

She's neurotypical.

It's me who has ASD.

Oh yes you did say that didn't you. It's just that she seems to have so many similar traits to my DD, sorry.

PolaroidPrincess · 01/10/2024 16:56

Sorry my last post was not very long. I meant to add that a lot of the things I do, like cleaning her bedroom for her and buying her flowers is the kind of advice that I'd give to any Mum with a Teen DD, it's just that mine does particularly struggle with executive function.

You DD might appreciate you doing small things for her however she's wired WinkFlowers

BertieBotts · 01/10/2024 23:50

I think it is so normal what you are going through and please don't think it is personal to you. Teenagers have to go through a period of separating - they feel like they are the young, fresh, new generation and could not possibly be like any adults. They are basically wired to think every word that comes out of your mouth is automatically wrong- that's why advice doesn't ever land well.

They have to do that in order to mature and grow into their own person. It is a normal developmental stage, just like how toddlers tantrum and take things out on us, teenagers reject our very essence. I think I was horrible to my mum in this way Blush but deep down underneath it all I did love her very much and appreciated everything she did. It's just I couldn't say that day to day. I did write her a letter once to explain it and she said that she kept it forever.

There is a great book called How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen so Teens Will Talk. Or if you have the original How To Talk (Kids) book, try reading that. However don't let on that you are reading it or she will probably start looking for signs you are using the book Grin but it has some useful suggestions for ways to approach situations where you want to give advice, which will be less likely to annoy her.

I have also heard really good things about the book Untangled, though I haven't read it myself.

SomethingGap · 02/10/2024 07:41

"We were never close when she was younger as she's temperamentally the double of DP." This really stood out to me, are you blaming her temperament for you not being close?

Do you like her? What do you like about her?

How often do you tell her you love her, or hug her, or compliment something about her personality (not grades)?

PolaroidPrincess · 02/10/2024 20:32

@BertieBotts my DSIL gave me a copy of Untangled when our DD was younger, I've read it twice now. The advice really is very good Wink

arthar · 04/10/2024 07:29

sometimes we are all out & about so I can not see her at all for a day or 2!

I would start here, being present is one of the simplest things you can do for your kids. A lot of people take the fact that teens 'can' fend for themselves to mean that they no longer need their parents, when actually the opposite is true. Being there for her is the key factor in building and maintaining a good relationship. I mean this kindly; I'm not being critical but I see it all too often where things are not going well with teens and it's often a response to needing a bit more emotional support during those years, but being treated as though they need none.

PolaroidPrincess · 04/10/2024 08:29

I agree with that too arthar. It's one of the reasons I've stuck with being part time at work. Both Teens have appreciated me just being around.

PolaroidPrincess · 05/10/2024 09:22

How are you both getting in now @unmemorableusername? Flowers

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