Feeling of betrayal?

[27Bumblebees]

I have adhd and what my psych says are "sprinklings of asd", which I'm pretty sure I've masked to the point of not getting picked up on these tests.. anyway.

Do others with autism/adhd get a feeling that hits you in the guts when you find out stuff is going on that you had no idea about? Either people getting together that you didn't spot, colleagues working towards their side quests that you didn't see, and friends planning things without telling you?

I'm not talking about anything underhand, never "against" me, I just mean stuff that others might pick up on and know about, except I never do, so when it all comes out it feels a bit like a betrayal or lie by omission? The idea that other people are beavering away at their own stuff and I'm then embarrassed to know nothing about?

Or is that just me? 😬

I have (diagnosed) ADHD but no ASD so that might make a difference. I'm the opposite. I pick up on everything. Any micro-behaviours and/or mood changes going on around me. Makes me feel like I'm so cynical but in the majority of cases, my 'spidey-senses' are right and I pick up on the signals way earlier than the majority of people. It makes me good at my job (I read people very well and suss out ulterior motives quickly) but also a paranoid wreck at times. 🙄

@27Bumblebees I've been really struggling with this for the last few weeks, not sure why I've become so sensitive to it but I appreciate the solidarity in reading your post!

I have ASD and find there's lots of contradictions. Like @HundredMilesAnHour I'm very sensitive to things like workplace politics, and I can spot a fight brewing in a pub ages before it kicks off.

However I'm socially incompetent at friendships. I read something that was insightful but depressing (trigger warning!) that for some of us with ASD, we don't understand levels of friendship. So we learn by rote to be nice to people, to smile and ask questions, and if they do the same back we think we've made a friend. And we stop there.

But what NT people do is have an awareness of developing from 'acquaintance' to 'friend'. So with some people they go deeper, conversations become more personal, they share things they wouldn't share with an acquaintance, the invites change from say, only meeting up within work to meeting up outside of work, going to each others houses, being part of personal events like parties or birthdays.

So as someone with ASD I'm bumbling along thinking that I made a friend and they're still my friend, and not realising that a year down the line we're still at the same level -to them I'm a passing acquaintance - and they've made 'proper' friends with other people. And I don't understand why, and feel left out like the kid on the playground.

It can feel hurtful and I know there's no malice in it. I just don't know how to make that connection. Its hard because you can feel like you're doing well in most areas of life and then seem to miss something that is so basic to other people.

I'm sorry I don't have any advice on how to change it, though I hope it helps a little to know that you're not alone!