Spent a week away with ADHD friend (I also have ADHD) here’s what I noticed…

[Redlegs]

I have just spent a week away on holiday with a friend who has ADHD, my child and her ND children.

It was really interesting to observe how ADHD affects her then reflect on how it differs in how it affects me as well.

I would probably not agree to go away with literally anyone else in the world but her but because she’s open about her ADHD, I felt sure that she’d understand my needs as I would hers.

One of the main take aways was because she or one of her kids struggled a lot with each transition, we kind of got stuck for a very long time before one of us could get our needs met. For example, if one of the group was thirsty, changing activities was full of lots of dithering, sometimes arguing, talking about where this drink should be purchased from. Every single transition was like this so I felt as though a lot of time was wasted.

I realised that I really don’t like doing things as a group because anything I wanted to do or felt was right for my child at any given moment, upset someone else. I find this a lot at work too, it’s just so much simpler to do things as you wish rather than have lots of dithering conversations about the pros and cons of each decision. The problem is I then just go a bit non-verbal and conflict avoidant and take my own child off while worrying that my friend was annoyed with me (RSD).

My friend seemed to keep saying “We’ll wait for you by the pool” if I was just chilling in our hotel room with DC and I kept saying no don’t wait for us, just have your day and we’ll let you know when we’re coming down. She didn’t listen and made her children wait by the pool for us for ages. After a nap, my DC and I headed down to the pool to find her and her DC hot and bothered and wanting to go to a cafe for food because they’d waited for us but I twice clearly said don’t wait for us as we are just chilling here. As though my friend couldn’t plough her own furrow and just spent the whole week in a kind of martyr role, meeting her kids needs and her imagined version of mine. I found it incredibly claustrophobic.

It’s hard because I’m always quite in tune with what I want and need and the same for pre-empting this for my child, but it means I either come across as ‘the leader’ which irks people and annoys me when I feel as though everyone’s waiting for me to direct them or I back off and just please myself away from the claustrophobia of friends which also irks them because I don’t want to hang out with them.

This all* made me feel as though I am destined to be a lonely/ lone wolf in life because the reality of group dynamics actually really frustrates me.

Can anyone ride relate to this?

I also find WhatsApp group chats annoying, there are a few that I’ve managed to not archive and it always starts with someone suggesting a meet up and then when everyone is keen, they start asking where and when, cue 20 messages with nothing matching up or working and then it dies.
I am so much more of a “Hi would you all be up for meeting in Costa on Saturday at 10?” Kind of person then it’s not this labour intensive, people pleasing, fruitless passivity contest which just wastes everyone’s time.

Maybe I’m just perimenopausal and cantankerous but this kind of stuff makes me want to give up people.

I can relate to a lot of this! I think for me, it's because I've always found my ADHD incredibly frustrating, and so once I began to get a handle on certain things, it was such a relief and I have also gained certain amazing people who are not judgemental about my ADHD traits, but are also much more organised than me, so I've learned from watching them do things.

Days or trips spent with either one of my best (ADHD) friends, or with my mother (we both think she probably has ADHD) are very much like you describe, with the endless discussion and back and forth and nothing ever actually happens and everyone trying to find the most perfect compromise and oh let's just have breakfast first which takes 2 hours and we inevitably run out of time for any plans which are made. Before I had a handle on this kind of thing myself, I just found it a relief to be with them and not be constantly judged for all my ridiculousness - but now that I have got a handle on some of the ridiculousness, it is a bit frustrating when I go to implement whatever I usually do in my "new life" which works and find that it doesn't work because it just starts a whole spiral of decision paralysis nightmare etc. (And I use ridiculousness fondly here - I am not criticising them.)

Anyway I've got past it to an extent.

I pace myself - I create boundaries like where you've said you just take your child off and do things, and then I'm really clear about when I will come back to do something jointly, rather than using polite NT language about doing their own thing. If they "speak ADHD language" then I would probably explicitly say that I am feeling overstimulated and I need to have a sleep/afternoon just with my DD/dinner alone, and recharge so I'm ready for tomorrow. I do have a relationship with these people where I know that I can say this and they will see it as being about my needs and not about them.

Rather than expecting others to pre-empt stuff like thirst and hunger or amusements, especially for kids, I expect them not to pre-empt things and so I just do it for everyone, as far as I can. I don't make suggestions, or explain why, I just have whatever it is ready.

I don't set my heart on particular things happening. This is admittedly more difficult with kids, especially ND kids, who do get fixated on things which were promised happening. So where that is a factor, I would take a leader role to ensure that happened and I would basically make a plan in advance, do WAY too much research, find out all the miniscule details and leave enough space for faffing in the plan - but I do this once over a holiday (maybe twice if it was more than a week), and I also work out which specific days of the holiday it's possible/ideal to do that plan, and I try to do it on the first such day, unless there is some crisis which precludes it. DH (not ADHD) takes the piss out of me producing such detailed plans but then every time they are useful, he admits it.

If that's not possible because the kids got fixated on something too late for me to make a plan, then I'd make lots of jokes/comments about being flexible and basically try to ensure we were all set up to not be disappointed if planned thing doesn't happen.

And then lean into the chaos a bit, and go with the flow, because it can be fun to do that. But I am definitely wary of doing it with kids involved unless the kids are comfortable enough with the person that go with the flow is totally feasible.

This didn't post last night - I said I would come back to group texts. Maybe later when I have a bit of energy!

I have a friend who may have ADHD but manages it well, more hyperactive. I'm inattentive.

She really struggles with peoples different parenting styles! I think it seems really hard to mix families together. She tends to become the 'organised mum' for everyone in their situations as its probably easier. But where she comes across more 'stubbornness' she really struggles! So I think some of what you describe might just be normal issues of different approaches.

The rest of your post made me stressed haha. I hate WhatsApp groups - the best way it works is if one person sets up a group specifically for a specific event and then starts off the chat with details of the event then people say yes or no to coming. That's what the organised friend above does 😂

Totally relate about struggling with the group dynamics!
I just want to do my own thing at times but people do seem to take offence.

For example, on a day out, someone wants to do a coffee run. I genuinely don't want one but they find it weird when I say no? So often they will get me one anyway, which I'm now forced to drink out of politeness.
And then if I DO fancy a coffee later, I have to ask the entire group and end up spending £££ on multiple coffees, because it's considered rude just to get your own.

I've found myself naturally finding more and more ND friends who I don't need to do the whole 'dance of politeness' around. It shouldn't be rude to self serve your own needs as well as enjoying the company of others at the same time.