Always feel like my boss is telling me off - how can I manage my feelings?

[Priggishsausagebore]

I'm really struggling in my role. I've been doing this job for nearly four years, and my boss came three years ago.

In many ways she is really lovely and thoughtful, but she has a bit of a Jekyll and Hyde personality in that if she gets frustrated she gets really cross really quickly. She has made me and other colleagues cry in the past and at the beginning of the year I was signed off with stress because of this.

I just stupidly checked my emails as I'm off tomorrow and saw an email from her in which she is very terse, as she always is on email, and it's made me so tearful.

Agreed also basically told me today that agree wants me be to do pretty much all of my role differently, desire never having given me any guidance on how she wants it done (I've kind of made it up as I've gone along and never had any feedback).

I feel like I can never do anything right and that I'm always fucking up, even though I'm not doing anything wrong as far as I can see. She tells everyone all the time how brilliant we are but it feels fake because it's never about anything specific and she's so often really sharp with us.

Is this because I'm autistic? I'm nearly 50 and never felt like this with a boss before, but I've been self employed for a long time, and when I was younger with was different, it was in the office and in a young team so I felt I had allies. Now I work from home and I feel very alone.

My husband is also very blunt and he thinks she's just being factual in emails but they nearly always bring me to tears and I'm not like that with anyone else. Plus I think he is rude to people at his work, so I don't really trust his judgement! I'm the one who is good with people.

I wondered if there are any strategies I could put in place to stop feeling so attacked? I get anxiety so it tends to trigger me badly.

I know someone like this. Lovely in person. Really blunt on email. Firstly try and reframe it. Second ask for clarity.

Third ask for feedback. If something went well, why did it go well?

Thanks. I find it hard to get any feedback at all and I feel scared to ask directly. I find myself trying so hard not to set her off!

It could be rejection sensitivity? This is common in ND people because we have frequently experienced so much criticism/shame as children for things that we couldn't help.

Would it be worth looking for another job?

It could be yes but she's life this with other colleagues too and I don't think we all have it. But things have moved on now anyway and she's told me she's not renewing my contract when it ends so that's that. I'm probably going to leave sooner anyway as I just can't work like this.

If you've been there four years can she do that? Is it fixed term?

If you have been there for four years on successive fixed term contracts then they can’t get rid of you with a simple non/renewal.
after two years you are entitled to the same rights as permanent workers. A non renewal would count as a redundancy and there would have to be a whole process showing it was justified and the selection process between you and your colleagues is fair. Are you in a union? Or speak to ACAS for free advice on this.

That's interesting. I wonder if that's one of the reasons they are getting rid of me. But they were very lax with actual contracts, I was given a letter of appointment when I started then they just kept me on, and then they suddenly sent me a new letter which ran up to this September, which is going to be renewed.
I used to invoice for my payments then they switched to being on the payroll for tax purposes I think it was April last year.
It's a huge organisation which took advice and I would assume knows what they are doing but...

I'm not sure I want to make a huge fuss though, it wouldn't really help much would it?

No it's not fixed term. It was for a year, then they just kept me on but didn't issue a new letter of appointment for over a year. See above for full details

Edit I mean I suppose it kind of is fixed term, but it never officially ends either. Other people in these roles are the same, we stay till we want to leave it's really unusual for the company to end the appointment (like with normal employed jobs).

Thinking of you.. I really relate. Xxx