Calling autistic parents/carers (that is autistic people who are also parents/carers! 😊)

[chestnutblue]

Hello everyone,

I'm a newly diagnosed autistic/ADD woman, mother to two (poss three) autistic children.

I'm looking for peer support around being an autistic parent/late diagnosis.
Is anyone interesting in chatting here?

I'm 50 and diagnosed this year. It's made my head spin with the enormity of looking back on my life/choices through this new lens of understanding.
It's also suggesting I could be a littel kinder to myself about how difficult I have found/find parenting.

Hoping to chat with people and find out their experiences, and hopefully offer each other support/space to vent/celebrate.be confused/laugh!

(may also need support on limiting my use of the forward slash! 🤣)

Will get back to you later (@ me if I forget) Need coffee.got to do swimming.

I’m interested in chatting, but not sure if I’m the right person. I have a diagnosed Autistic DC. I believe I have Autistic traits, but whether it’s enough for a diagnosis, I don’t know.

I am, but my DD is 17 and unless you hit on a subject I know about I'm not much of a chatterer!

Hi all,

I'm happy to talk to any parent who feels they are/or have autistic traits.

I have three teenagers and am just at the beginning of recognising that my own autism may have a lot to do with how difficult I can find parenting.

I'm interested to know other's thoughts on parenting as an autistic person.

Hello
I'd be interested in chatting/ hearing what people have to say. I'm 35, have a 3yr old and a 1yr old and autism (diagnosed) and adhd (self diagnosed). I only realised I'm neurodivergent last November because having children pushed me well beyond coping. I think before that I could cope because I only ever worked part time and had jobs that inherently suited me (alone, autonomous, low stimulation) and my 'stims' were subtle but constant so I could regulate my emotions (powerwalking whilst zoned out and skin picking)... anyway yes parenting is really tough and will be great to hear others experiences! @chestnutblue if you don't mind me asking, what led to you getting diagnosed? For me it was yet another morning where my husband had to take over coz I'd failed to do the things needed to get the kids ready (he just funtions so well it makes it obvious that i dont!) :-)

Hello ThePear,

Thank you for joining in with this thread. So much of what you've described echoes with me, it's just taken me a lot longer to realise I am AuDD (50).

Your descriptions of your stims and preferred working conditions have given me another "oh, well, there's something else to file away and sift through in quiet" task!

Honestly, I feel I am in or close to overwhelm more days that not.
I'm a single mum (now realise a lot of my ex's inability to foster a positive relationship may be due to his own undiagnosed neruod / trauma) and there is no one else I can hand this stuff to.
I'm so pleased you have a DH who doesn't share your struggles. (I casually drop in conversations with my kids that we need partners who can do the stuff we cant!).

I find the daily living (exe functions) pretty crippling, and am always running to catch up with myself.

I was diangosed after working for years to get an answer for the diffictulies two of my kids faced with school / daily life. One was diagnosed last winter.
After slogging through all the paperwork for my son, I began to suspect I might have ADHD and went to the doc, who did the AQ10 and suggested an Autism review.

How to you get there? And do you think it's been a help?

Bloody hard work. But we can understand our kids autism better and tend to adapt stuff for them better.

Communicating with the authorities (education, medicine etc) is harder.

Hey sorry for slow reply, completely forgot (you can probably relate!). Yes the executive funtioning stuff is hard but I find it also really hard to explain. Like I can't explain why I struggle, I just know that I do really struggle and that I don't do the things I need to do. I haven't been assessed for adhd, but I'm fairly certain I have it. The autism diagnosis is fairly new so I'm still kind of processing. But for me the adhd and autism kind of compensate for each other, so I dont really seem like I have either...so often feel like an imposter!

Hello BlackEye and ThePear,

Yes, I totally relate! Hence the delay in getting back to you. I feel pathetic when I try to explain my EF difficulties, I just sound like a massive failure, which is a hard place to seek help from.

I think all the learned masking is extrememly hard to shift when you're a late diagnosis. Do you think that makes a difference?

i notice that my son - post diagnosis 9 months ago - hardly masks at all when he's at home. He is a very different boy to the one I knew before, and much happier for it.

But I don't feel as if that's much of an option when you are the parent.
I mean, we just have to hold it together, don't we?

I wish I could find a way to support them and also support myself.

Heya
Yes I'm sure it is harder to drop the mask after a lifetime (or even recognise what is masking!) But I also think its important to try, to teach the kids that being authentic is ok. My daughter is 3 and she is already masking to some extent which makes me sad. There is a great fb group you might like, I'm not sure how to share it though. Called 'Late-diagnosed autistic women and AFABs'... look it up if you have fb. It is really friendly and supportive, and just really nice to share experiences and be validated! :-)

Yes please I'm very interested! Been looking for something like this as I'm really struggling at times.

I'm 48 and it's all been kicking off here this last year or so. My 17 yr old recently got diagnosed ASD after having some sort of physical & mental & emotional breakdown/burnout. Developed alopecia and felt suicidal amongst other things .. She was so so ill. Now we realise this is the result of masking and trying to fit in. We've a long way to go with her recovery but she is much happier than she was.

CAMHS were brilliant and the lady there was the one who picked up on autism. The diagnosis came as a huge relief to my daughter . Now all the pennies are dropping for the rest of us and it seems that other older child and myself are also neurodivergent. Explains so much but as someone else said it leaves your head spinning. The professional who picked up on daughter's asd also thinks I am too..I've just been to gp about it to start the ball rolling. I have several neurodivergent close friends and they all think I am too.. I seem to tick a lot of boxes for autism and adhd together. It can be a bit of a cruel combination at times and leads to a lot of inner frustration for me.

Looking back thru the asd lens explains so much. I think the pandemic was a massive catalyst for us that elft us struggling with things we didnt seem to struggle with before, because our coping skills we'd learned over a lifetime, all got rusty and then when we had to go back to 'normal life' we couldn't quite manage it.. ..

Anyway I've loads more to say but I'll leave it there for now.. Xxxxx

Hello I'm happy to chat late diagnosed with adhd last year waiting for asd assessment.
I'm 42 mother of three and finding life pretty hard.

Just found this thread, I'm 45 diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago. I'm trying to parent an autistic teenage girl and it's tough I can't lie and do little support out there.
After my daughter's diagnosis I started to read into ND and it was a bit of a lightbulb moment for myself. Still shocked really to get the formal diagnosis and trying to manage my ADHD which seems to work against my daughter's autism.

coolpineapple1
I hear you my daughter is audhd and we seem to trigger each other. It's really hard work and she isn't yet a teenager I'm dreading when she starts getting her cycle. My middle child is diagnosed ADHD but most likely has asd also and my youngest is showing signs also. Parenting as a late diagnosed Nd and having Nd kids is lonely and isolating.

@Greencabbages3 it's really tough isn't it. I feel like I haven't even began to process my diagnosis as my daughter has been struggling so much. It is a lovely place but thank goodness for sites like this where we can connect with others going through the same xx

coolpineapple1
I'm a member of adultukadhd discord server and it's really helpful.

Heres the link https://www.adhdadult.uk/ they have a community forum and also podcasts anyway I hope that helps

Thanks @Greencabbages3 I'll take a look

In my house we’re getting geared up for the return to school (Friday and Monday). I’m walking on eggshells with ds whose resilience has nosedived this week. Meanwhile dd’s sensory seeking has spiked, and it feels like every time I turn around, she’s blocking my path and looking for a deep pressure hug.

My needs are getting trampled this week and by evening I’m in a mild shut down state, and waking up non verbal for the first few minutes in the mornings. DH is nt, and in many ways a huge rock of support, but completely incapable of understanding overwhelm, so I find myself masking when I’m struggling most. He panics, over reacts or worse, gets annoyed with me, and when I’m overwhelmed I get flooded by everyone else’s emotions, which makes everything x100 times worse. I can’t even handle his concern right now.

It has been so helpful to understand my own neurodiversity. Before I’d have just experienced this as stress with a massive side order of inadequacy and guilt. Now I’m stretched a bit too thin, but I understand that the house getting messy, is necessary energy conservation because I need to focus on navigating the return to school period. Getting ds, in particular, settled back is delicate.

I am also navigating the return to school...well, college now as DD is 17.
She now has an EHCP (long overdue) and should be doing some SALT sessions at college and some to help with her social skills and problem solving skills.
I worry about what's next, including for myself as I can't think what to aim for next in life (feeling guilty about not working) when I can't see past the next few weeks and how DD is/isn't going to cope with what's thrown at her next.