I'm just so tired of it all

[lawnseed]

I'm adhd and autistic and adult ds is autistic. We've just had to leave a weekly family activity due to difficulties related to the ND. They aren't prepared to make any small accomodations and think we shouldn't be ND. The usual idiocy from NTs. The activity was ds' whole world.

It just struck me tonight that absolutely nothing is set up the way we need it to be. Even the simplest bloody things are such a struggle. Ds asked me if this is what his life is going to be like and I didn't know what to say. We just stood looking at each other. What reassurance can I give him?

I feel so sad and down. I'm mid fifties and everything I try to do goes wrong. I never have any happiness. Can't go on holiday or do anything apart from be in the house, gardening or a drive into the countryside perhaps. No hobbies, trips out, activity clubs, theatre, music, meals out, dancing, nothing. Everything is set up for NTs. It just sucks. I feel so horrible. I wish my life was over already. How the hell are we supposed to live like this? What can ds have to look forward to?

The biggest accommodation you can give yourself is to stop going to those weekly family outings.

You need strong and firm boundaries about what you will and will not tolerate, its not up for discussion or debate with them, it's simply a fact.

Sadly autism is a disability because the world is not built for us.

You only have to read threads like the one where the woman wouldn't let the 3 year old with autism bypass her in a queue that she was purposefully obtuse about answering whether it actually had a fast lane for disabilities to see this.

The weekly meetings aren't a benefit to you.

At home you need to make whatever accomodations you can. For me, I struggle to brush my teeth for example. So in my bag I have some colgate mini disposable toothbrushes that I can use during the day for when I just can't brush my teeth cos of the sensation or because of executive dysfunction. I've also got a toothbrush upstairs in the bathroom and downstairs in the kitchen.

I've also spent a bomb on sensory aids like loop earplugs bit they're not always enough so I sometimes just say I need to leave and go.

I don't invite people over as they have a habit of outstaying their welcome. An issue I only have with NT friends and family.

I work part time, currently off sick actually and questionable about whether I'll return to work, possibly being sacked on capability grounds but that's on me for not asserting my boundaries and needs years ago before hitting burnout point, so make sure if you're in work you make your needs known now before you also get to that point.

I'm the meantime also support campaigns that fight for change for disability acceptance. It can be hard to protest yourself, but there are many of us who will fight on behalf of those who cannot.

Write to your MP to ask what they're doing to make life less disabling for you and your son. You won't be the only person doing this even though it can feel lonely.

Instead of trying to “fit”, try to create a safe place for you and your son.

I am late diagnosed. My son is 24 and was diagnosed aged 4. For so long, I’ve tried to fit in and be “normal”, so called. Last year, following my divorce, I decided to stop affiliation with people who didn’t get me and were actively hostile at times. It means DS and I have a smaller but ultimately happier existence. I work part time, as does he. I have a small circle of real friends who’ve known me for years. My stress levels have reduced significantly since I started my own self care. Anyone who’s not prepared to “see” me, I just move away from. I’m generally polite about it but, I’m NOT prepared to turn myself inside out to gain their grudging acceptance or worse, thinly veiled tolerance. That includes an ex husband, his adult kids and others for whom I have spent years trying to please/fit in with. I am not less than. I’m a bit fabulous, actually.

Try it OP, if your situation permits.

Op, I understand and I am in the exact same boat. I don't really know what to say that makes things better, except if the reason you can't go on meals out is the noise, if you go at a random time, like 5pm restaurants are likely to be quiet and not busy. That's how I manage meals out.

Ds has had some sort of mental breakdown. He won't leave his room, shower or eat properly. He has to see the doctor on Thursday. He's not really communicating either. We can't leave him by himself.

I wish those who are responsible for this upset could see all this.

Ha ha and people say that high functioning autistics are fine and can lead normal lives!

Fkn hell