Context: I'm nearing 37 and I heavily suspect that I may be autistic.
I know that I can't self-diagnose, but when I've done the AQ10 test, and other tests, I score extremely high and when I've read symptoms/signs of autism in girls/women, I have a ton of them.
It's kind of odd-because I've always felt a little bit behind/out of step with others my own age. I was always told as a kid that I was weird or too sensitive. "Shy" was often attached to me-but as I've gone into adulthood, that "shyness" and "sensitivity" hasn't left the building or become that much easier to manage.
I do a lot of things that could be considered "stimming." I hair pull all the time-and I'm trying to stop but it's just something that happens so reflexively that I barely even register that I'm doing it. Especially if I'm in uncomfortable situations.
When I'm alone and can get "away" with it, I pace from my living room to my kitchen religiously, back and forth, for no good reason. I find it soothing, but there's no purpose beyond that.
I find it exhausting being around people and I struggle in social interactions-because I nearly always say the wrong thing-and I try to be conversational as I see everyone else do-but I can't quite match it. It doesn't come naturally to me at all.
I have a lot of "special interests" to the point of obsession. I love to collect everything about that interest and read up on it, and immerse myself in it for hours-if not for exceptionally long periods of time.
I hate my routine being broken to the point where it upsets me. Me and my family have a specific routine we take around our town centre on a Saturday and it's really disturbing when one of my family members tries to change it up. I can allow and accept it-don't get me wrong-I'm not inflexible, but it throws me off as I get so used to doing things in certain orders.
I even eat my food in specific orders-each time-to the point of people commenting on it and thinking it's funny.
There is more signs that I have-but I don't want this post to be the next War & Peace. I know you can't self-diagnose-and that's not what I'm trying to do-I just don't know if it's worth pursuing an actual diagnosis. I feel scared to approach the doctor with this. What if they laugh at me?
I suppose I don't know what I'll get from an official diagnosis. It'd be nice to have an explanation for why I've always felt out of step and different-and why I do things like hair pull (I know that can also be a sign of OCD-but I don't think I have that). I also know that there's a chance that it's not autism at all-maybe something else-or maybe I'm just an extreme introvert.
Is it worth talking to a doctor and pursuing a diagnosis/explanation-whatever that may be?