Religion and neurodiversity

[sp1ders]

Anyone here religious?

I'm autistic and adhd and have often felt that my religion doesn't apply to me as I can't understand how to love NTs. I just don't like them and can't cope with being around them. I was friends with a NT church member, but she bullied me so I dumped her for my own mental health. Why are they so predictably and relentlessly awful?

My adult ds (also autistic) has just been rejected from the church choir where he was the leader and was doing a really good job (I'm a chorister and musician myself). His autism was causing him problems because the choir are not committed, can't read music, resistant to change and poorly disciplined and it was driving him mad.

Is it okay for church people to be disableist? (is this the right term?) Should autistic people even be in church? What's the point if others are going to reject them? It's the age old story of people using us for our abilities, but not accepting that they can't have everything on their terms - 'be autistic, but don't dare act autistic or have autistic needs' 🤦🏻‍♀️

Our singing was so important to us and it's like "nah, just sod off" 🤷🏻‍♀️

We're not the first autistic person this has happened to at this place. I know people will just say "find another church", but it's not as easy as that as we're not RC or Protestant. Should we just be hermits? 🤔

If you're religious, how does your community treat you?

Yep, that church is shit. My last one was shit with notable exceptions of individual people. (Wouldn't turn the sound down a bit to accommodate sensory needs of autistic kids and adults, complained about the reasonable adjustments made for disabled kids, verbalised several times that they could not understand why anyone would be late for church...( Me:Single disable parent of two autistic kids, to them: Couple of NT parents to NT kids))

No it's not ok for them to be ablist/disablist. (No I don't know the difference either. Someone explain!)

Theology:

You are "fearfully and wonderfully made." "Chosen in him before the creation of the world" "Adopted as His child"

Sadly, some people are a work in progress and don't see prejudice as it doesn't apply to them. Some people don't care. Some are just not nice. Church is supposed to be for everyone, Christians are a work in progress and never perfect in this life but one would expect that the culture of moving towards acceptance and owning up if they get it wrong.

My church is ok. A bit cliquey, but generally accepting. Don't quite feel part of it though. Still get the odd shit thing from the vicar.

Sorry waffly. Only 4 hours sleep.

A lot of churches don't seem to truly understand what being inclusive of neurodiversity entails. My old church offered fidget toys, noise cancelling headphones and large print Bibles which, to give them their credit, is WAY more than most churches do. They even had some streamers for kids, particularly SEN kids, to play with during the service. But I can't help thinking they overlooked a very easy solution to sensory overload - turning down the volume the band was playing at.

Other churches insist on posting "welcomers" by the door who are very pushy about shaking your hand. Many of the evangelical churches have picture-perfect congregations (at least externally) where you feel like your face doesn't fit and honestly both me and an auDHD person I know have felt unwelcome there. Very few pastors appear to have had any training about any kind of disability and some of the sermons I've heard have felt quite insensitive.

I wish I could have a spiritual counsellor, someone who understands my inability to maintain relationships (including with God), the way I passionately commit to spirituality for a few months before dropping it again, the way I avoid church because it's boring, the paranoia I have about church members barely tolerating me or only interacting because they want to show kindness. Religion and spirituality can be very tough for ND people, especially those with autism and / or ADHD, and it's something that never seems to be talked about except on the most superficial of levels.

@BlackeyedSusan and @songaboutjam thank you so much for your thoughtful responses. I honestly felt like I was going mad. It's been going on for weeks and has been really getting to me and my ds. I feel that reframing our experience in terms of the disability side of it means it's not such a rejection of us as individuals if that makes sense. It's personal, but not personal. I'm working hard on drawing a line under it all, but ds is still holding out for an apology and a request to return. I've explained to him that it's probably best we just put it behind us. We do have somewhere else we can go where we have family friends, it's about 20 miles away and we can't go every week. It's quieter there anyway.

Churches do seem to be getting it wrong alongside everywhere else it seems 😢

Churches do seem to be getting it wrong alongside everywhere else it seems 😢

Maybe I'm just reacting to feeling othered / like church isn't right for me, but it feels like there's a spiritual cloud hanging over some of these churches. Just a general sense of something being off.

I'm genuinely not sure what my subconscious is actually responding to, if it's me or bad vibes off the congregation or something much more sinister.

We do have somewhere else we can go where we have family friends, it's about 20 miles away and we can't go every week. It's quieter there anyway.

I would consider trying it out. It might make it easier to move on from the way they've treated you and DS and you'll be among friends who will hopefully have your backs.

The alternative probably involves feeling sad and resentful and eventually pulling away from the church altogether, which is what I've ended up doing. I feel guilty every Sunday but I can't bring myself to go anymore.

I'm really sorry to hear you don't feel you can return @songaboutjam 😢 could you say some prayers each day and try to connect with God in other ways? Walk in nature perhaps? Or play some music. Ds does a little prayer service each day with candles and our icons and that helps.

The church I go to is not too loud. Is consistent in it's service style. Some things are helpful. People are friendly but some people get more practical support than others are more in than others. And there are some howlers regarding disability awareness. Been really hurt by it.

I think they can be cliquey can't they? So difficult to navigate all the social and interpersonal stuff when you're ND. We do have some other ND people who attend, but they keep themselves to themselves which I should have done. All the interpersonal stuff gets in the way of the worship as well.