Worth seeking diagnosis as a 45-year-old bloke?

[EightPotDiesel]

I've suspected for a while that I might be autistic. A close friend says I probably am. I've done RAADS-R and AQ tests online and scored 137 and 43 respectively which are apparently fairly high, although obviously online tests aren't necessarily reliable.

This is not my world, and I have always found the rules of social interaction baffling, but I've muddled through ok for 45 years.

I'm tempted to seek a diagnosis, partly to understand what's going on, partly to have it in my back pocket in case of issues at work. But I do wonder what processes it might kick off. In particular I've no idea how my wife would react.

Anyone been in a similar position and sought a diagnosis? Did it help, or did it open a can of worms?

It might explain a few things to your wife that's confused or frustrated her!
I wouldn't recommend getting a diagnosis without disgusting your feelings with her first, but perhaps you need to get your own mind in order first.
I'm at a similar stage and a similar age, and I think it will help with validating all the struggles that you've had in your life so it can help with self acceptance. Also as you mentioned you can class yourself as having a disability more officially if that helps with things. Although a lot of disability support needs more than just a diagnosis.
I would suggest some counselling might help to clear up your mind a bit, ideally from a neurodiversity counsellor. And also get on YouTube and listen to other people's stories.

Practical side your GP may not be that helpful so be prepared to argue the case and also if the waiting times are long, you can ask for a referral under right to choose.

My personal feeling is "yes" - but get yourself over to YouTube and watch some longer videos from autistic creators first. There's a lot of great information out there, and if you're autistic you'll likely have what seems like an endless series of "Ohhhh, I thought I was the only one..." moments. If you don't, then you're probably borderline.

I'd personally recommend Yo Samdy Sam and Orion Kelly as good places to start. Sam also has a Discord server for subscribers, and the community there is brilliant...it was interacting with that community that really solidified it for me.

One thing worth bearing in mind is that, as an adult, you need to do a lot of preparation for the diagnosis for it to be accurate. A lot of people see it as gaming the system, but it's actually a case of knowing what they're looking for so you can actually give them relevant information in response to their questions.

Also, as noted, your GP is likely to be unhelpful given the insane waiting times. Be prepared to pay privately if you want a resolution any time in the next two or three years.

Personally, it's helped me enormously - if only to be able to forgive myself for what I always thought were signs that I was a defective human.

Also, one other thing - don't pay much attention to the "this is what autism looks like in girls/women" thing. That's something the community came up with without really looking into it too deeply; it actually looks like the "new" female presentation is actually what autism looks like in people who learned to mask early; most young autistic girls do that because of the different social pressures that NT girls apply compared to NT boys.

Anybody who's got to their 30s or 40s without a diagnosis must have learned to mask early, so we've got all these 40-something blokes watching these videos that describe everything about them except their gender and being very confused as a result ;)

Yep some girls/women do "male" autism and vice versa.