Child with oppositional defiance disorder (ADHD) how to handle it without destroying his self esteem?

[Adhdpms]

DS has ADHD and a spot of oppositional defiance disorder. When things don’t go his way, he explodes. He bursts into tears too and is very sensitive. But also shouts and screams and can hit.

How do I handle this without shouting at him back? Or destroying his self esteem? Don’t want to give him “you’re a bad kid” type messages internally.

I’m struggling with it. When he explodes and hits he doesn’t ever get the thing he wants.

I just wonder: to any of those with oppositional defiance disorder: how do you wish you were parented?

Or to any who has kids with ODD, what do you do?

I think you need to be very very careful with the term ODD. Is he actually diagnosed with that? If not, I would avoid using it - it is a descriptor of a cluster of very specific behaviours and is not the same thing as ADHD (and can be a highly stigmatising label).

Lots of neurodivergent kids struggle with emotional regulation and display challenging behaviours - they are developmentally roughly a third behind their peers (12 year old likely to have the capacity of an 8 year old) - this is about brain development and the ability to self-monitor, control impulses, anticipate the consequences of actions etc etc. This will improve with age, as their executive functioning skills improve.

Try Ross Greene's The Explosive Child or have a look at Yvonne Newbold's stuff.

When he was diagnosed with ADHD, the doctor suggested he might have Oppositional Defiance Disorder too. He told me to look it up. So he wasn’t diagnosed with it as such, but it was suggested!

Thank you - I will look up The Explosive Child. He has been quite explosive his whole life!

Praise him for all the good things he does. One of mine will say thank you even when in early meltdown as has been consistently told how good they are at saying thank you.

One is better than either autistic parent at apologising for behaviour after a meltdown because I've worked on with them. They are praised for this.

Praise for the effort made, eh if they tried calming strategies or an explanation even if they still melted down.

You have to take responsibility for their emotional regulation and help them keep calm and avoid triggers.

Acknowledge their feelings. Life is hard when you feel things so deeply .

Dc has a demand avoidant presentation but no diagnosis as young when diagnosed. But can still use those strategies if helpful.

PDA - pathological demand disorder is worth looking up. It shares characteristics with ODD but it’s not as hopeless a prognosis. I agree with a pp that ODD is a very serious term to throw about lightly. (’m not saying you are, op. But that’s a hell of a burden to lay on a parent without being absolutely certain it’s correct and then signposting meaningful care)

Some people prefer to rename PDA as Persistant Drive towards Autonomy which, imo, is a very helpful way to conceptualise it. And can help you align with your child’s needs instead of being the antagonist.

My ds has a strong streak of demand avoidance (as I have slowly uncovered, have I). Things that help include rolling transitions (eg 5 more minutes, do you need a little more time ), indirect future focusing phrases (I think xxx is on tv tonight … said shortly before a fun activity is ending, to get him thinking about later rather than stuck in the now that is ending.) and a heavy emphasis on regulating sensory experiences.

There’s a 5 point emotional regulation scale a lot of therapists use. Our dc can be hovering around 3 and 4 so it feels like they blow up to a 5 over very small provocations. If you can work on lowering the baseline stress level to a 2, it makes a massive difference because it takes longer to climb to a 5 from a 2. But our dc are under so much day to day stress that small demands can be triggers

My ds is autistic which means that rules (created thoughtfully and sparingly) can be very comforting and help to hold boundaries. It’s easier to follow a rule than meet an arbitrary demand even if the rule looks to us like a harder demand.

Your rule about hitting is a good one- my advice is to keep that as a neutral statement of fact, rather than thinking of it (or expressing) as a punishment. The loss of self control comes with a heavy backlash of self loathing already.

Help your dc learn the socioemotional skills of repair and rebuild. Model apologising, stopping, re-evaluating, reconsidering. Especially with an adhd mindset - there are usually at least 6 ways to see any issue!

ADDitude.com is an absolute treasure trove of information and resources.

The podcast Good Inside might be worth a listen too (it might have been a book). Not so much on adhd/odd/pda but just as a parenting philosophy.

I personally have mixed feelings about Russell Green’s The Explosive Child but it is a good starting point.

One more thing- are you ND yourself? Or even if not, think about your own triggers and what parts of parenting you find hardest. The one thing I wish my parents could have done when I was a child was better manage some of their own issues. (I’m not blaming them - it’s partly about the time they lived in, but it is something I try and do for my dc’s sake)

It’s very important to take time for what you need to be in as good a place as possible to meet your dc’s challenges.

Thank you! This is very helpful. The doctor did leave me a bit rattled when he suggested I looked ODD up.

I looked up PDA and that sounds a little closer to him.

I am ND myself - ADHD - and was parented completely differently and am different to DS in that I cannot stand to be told off. I am easy to shame! So I was incredibly well behaved, but just checked out. I did all the things I was told, but mentally elsewhere. All my hyperactivity was in my brain and I have an anxiety disorder too.

I think I am very triggered by DS’s outbursts because I would not have been allowed to behave like that. I’m very triggered when he’s around my parents because they make constant little comments about my parenting and his behaviour.

DS a fantastic, fun loving person that I adore. But parenting him is hard work. He struggles with transitions, not getting what he wants, is restless at night and can sleep deprive himself (and me). But I want him to grow up understanding and liking himself - something I didn’t. It’s very hard!

I've just found this thread as looking for help with my 5yo. We are in the system for ADOS assessment but his explosions are getting more common. He will sweep everything in a room off surfaces and shelves, or lash out and hit the nearest person to him when he doesn't get his own way, or something goes wrong. He just does not listen to instructions which is bad enough at home and obviously worse at school when the teacher is trying to deal with the whole class. He's been on a reduced timetable at school because he just can't deal with the social expectations of a full day. There is also a lot of sensory seeking behaviour - always chewing something, always touching or throwing things he shouldn't. I'm so tired.

@readingmakesmehappy Appreciate this has been a couple of years, but just seen this now!
Your post sounds just like my situation. Did you ever get the help you needed? My 5yo is going through this now. Thanks

@TedsDadwe now have an AuDHD diagnosis and a full EHCP in place. We had to go private for the appointments as otherwise we’d still be waiting and I think he’d no longer be in school. I tried changing diet and consulting a naturopath, but we started meds this year and that’s made a huge difference - far fewer exclusions, big progress in his learning. He doesn’t do full days at school and I’ve had to abandon my career to support him through it. We’ve rowed back on all after school clubs and tried to keep things as predictable and low demand as possible. Bedtime can be a battle as lack of sleep has a big impact on his behaviour. Life is not how I thought it would be, and we have almost no family support. Everyone tells me that he’ll be alright on the end as he’s bright and has a loving and supportive family, but I would quite like the being alright to start sooner rather than later.