What advice would you give someone who is entering a relationship with someone who has Asperger's/autism?

[Meepme]

This really. I know once you've met one autistic person, you've just met one autistic person! But it would be useful to understand what ND people would want NT partners to understand.

I would like them to understand that there is an enormous amount they cannot intuit and do not understand and that they have a responsibility to educate themselves, and not just expect their partner to accommodate their needs and expectations.

Thank you @Theothername , im trying to do my research and understand more. I thought this forum would be useful to find out more and get more traffic than the Relationships board, which can be quite negative at times

Make an effort to understand different communication styles, as a NT you will have a far easier time of learning how to communicate in a slightly different way.

Easy example...

NT partner says "The bin is full."
To the Autistic partner this is a factually correct observation, requiring no action.
What the NT meant, but absolutely didn't communicate, was that they wanted it emptied.
They have no right to be annoyed that an action they didn't even mention, wasn't carried out.
What the NT should say to an Autistic partner is "The bin needs emptying today please."
Contains problem, action and date required. Autistic partner follows request. All good!

@WeirdPookah how would you know if the relationship is progressing if very different comm styles? How about dealing with shutdowns?

Imo, there’s really no good advice for “dealing with” shutdowns and meltdowns. The key is working together to minimise the triggers and stresses that lead to those outcomes with kindness, respect and lots and lots of communication.

Shutdowns and meltdowns are horribly debilitating stress responses. From an NT perspective they can look like sulking, tantrum, manipulation, even abuse. Especially if you’ve never experienced sensory overload. Very ordinary, everyday experiences can be hard going for some autistic people, chipping away at resilience and capacity to manage stress. What tips a person into shutdown or a meltdown is very often the proverbial straw. But it’s the rest of the load on the camel’s back that needs removing.

1800 seconds is a podcast I’d highly recommend. Jamie Knight is very articulate and insightful.

Dirty Laundry is a book by an NT/ ADHD couple. He also has an autistic ds.

I agree with @Theothername there is no set response. It's personal.

Some people may crave a deep pressure hug to ground them, I personally cannot bear to be touched at all. Both are valid reactions.

All you can do is have open, clear and honest conversations about how and even IF you can help. You may not be able too. And that is also a valid reaction of your partner, and you may struggle to accept that, but you have too.

Learn about each other.
What has really helped me, was to read my DP autism diagnostic report. It was not a generic "autistic people do this etc"... it was what my DP did, and it was a breakdown of the things that led to his diagnosis. It was very personal to him.

They are disabled. This comes with behaviour you might not like. This behaviour is something that you could understand and live with. But if you can't best to be honest and separate. Don't put up with things just because they are disabled and make yourself miserable. Do not put up with abuse. Neither of you will be happy.

Example. I am very sweary in meltdown. If you can not tolerate swearing then you shouldn't be with me. And if you don't listen and back off before I get to sweary meltdown I should not be with you! (Ex has done that just five minutes ago, went to fetch kids stuff he forgot)

Direct communication is not rude to us, it's a different communication style. We might find waffly indirect neurotypical rude as we are expected to guess what you mean and people get annoyed when we get it wrong.

If they are telling you they are about to have a meltdown stop whatever it is that is triggering it. To carry on feels abusive.

Apologise to each other a lot.

Ex also appears very autistic (not been for formal diagnosis but has been told he has autistic traits in another assessment) but gets physical when cross...not acceptable. No longer live together.