Is this masking or something else?

[Theothername]

Whenever I’ve read descriptions of masking, it sounds like a choice a person is making to disguise themselves to fit in.

But what I’m experiencing is something that happens to me involuntarily in situations where the people I’m dealing with don’t feel safe on a subconscious level.

Example 1: I’m socialising with a group of neurotypical people and after about an hour I start to feel like they’re all normal humans animated, laughing, talking and I’m awkward, stiff and fake. I feel like my persona with them is a mask, but that if I removed it there wouldn’t be a different, more authentic person, just a broken dysfunctional mess. And it doesn’t feel like a good or convincing mask either.

Example 2: visiting the gp. He says “how are you today?” I say “fine thank you” and sort of lapse into a sort of social persona to the extent that I can forget some of the reasons why I’ve come. Or I’ll play down the severity because I’m picking up cues that he wants it to be a mild complaint. I’m not blaming the doctor - it’s more that I’m doing something that makes sense in a social encounter as a default in a medical setting. I’ve often come away thinking wtf just happened and €55 poorer too.

I definitely mask a bit in quick social situations that involve a couple of exchanges, but not with friends and family that I’m comfortable with (most of those people are, I suspect, ND). I don’t feel like I am consciously choosing to mask with others but maybe I am, and am only noticing at the point it starts to get exhausting.

Any thoughts?

I don't think masking is always (or even usually?) conscious.

Everyone adapts their behaviour to fit in with a social norm - it's probably some kind of evolutionary thing from when we were in tribes and being accepted in the tribe was paramount for survival. Masking, I think, is this on a bit of a more intrusive scale.

What you describe sounds like masking to me. And I think this is different from the ways that NT people will modify their language/persona depending on the group that they are in.

For doctors' appointments, it might help to take a written sort of plan/script in with you? So that when you launch into the social thing you can say "Right, ah, so, I made the appointment to discuss..."

This made me laugh as I had the exact example one that you wrote experience on a night out. I knew I was quite tired to start and after about an hour of being interested in everyone, I then ran out of steam. It was at that point as I'd quietened that people then started asking me questions and I just felt like a robot.

I have adhd and autistic traits. I think actually the process happens when we are really young so it becomes so sub conscious.

It's also normal to mask to a degree.

Masking isn't always conscious nor deliberate.

I didn't think I masked, and recently realised just how much I do it. For me it started very young and so I can only assume it's subconscious. Sometimes I'm wondering which is the real me and which is masking.
I have started limiting social get togethers with individuals to an hour, and groups to maximum three hours ( although I avoid groups more often than not) Often I'm enjoying the interactions at the time and don't leave soon enough and come away jittery, stressed and burnt out.
I think the real me is quiet, very literal and not very social, but I look like an extrovert at first glance. It's exhausing but I am learning.

It’s so interesting to read other people’s experiences.

I started very, very young too.

@BertieBotts the suggestion to write down the reason for the doctor’s appointment is great.

I am intrinsically “me” but there’s also an amount of camouflage or morphing/mirroring the person and situation I’m in. I don’t mask to deceive or because I have nothing to contribute, I often do it to “fit” and be acceptable as part of the social order. With people I know, I’m often at ease and quite outgoing.

The problem for me is when the response I know or think ought to be given by others but doesn’t happen, I’m thrown and get quieter and quieter to the point where I’m not able to join in. There have been people in my family who have caused me to “disappear” as a person because they don’t know how to deal with difference. Two of them are teachers 🤷🏼‍♀️