Some of this will be hard to give a detailed enough account without it being outing, but hopefully you'll get the gist.
I'm a neurodivergent mum of two kids under 10, the eldest is also neurodivergent and has several additional diagnoses including learning disability. Very spiky profile, can speak and understands a lot more than people think, but in others ways understanding is a pre school level. Attends special school for children with profound, complex and severe SEN. Has a disability social worker, Child In Need plan (because of his disability not my parenting) and direct payments.
Younger child is not showing any signs of learning disability and to all extents and purposes a 'normal 6yo' (whatever that is). Goes to mainstream and loves it, on track with work and has lots of friends.
Everybody says what an amazing mother I am to my children, and I think I do a good job. They're happy, healthy, have their needs met and thriving in school.
I have a diagnosis of AuDHD, but I am very very 'capable seeming' ie I basically burn myself out every few months just trying to give everybody what they need. Nobody would know I struggle if they saw me or spoke to me really. But I struggle greatly with noise, lack of routine, inability to access sensory regulation (because of parenting) and my anxiety is generally high, occasionally extremely high. Many days I feel like I'm dragging myself around.
DH has a very niche lucrative job that pays well and he enjoys. It often involves him travelling and working away for 3-5 days at a time. It was fine before kids, and even when I just had the eldest on my own. But since our second child was born I regularly feel like I'm drowning. Eldest needs constant 1-1 every waking moment of their day. And younger needs a high amount of care due to their age. I give as much of myself to my second as possible but I always feel like they lose out. When their dad goes away they become very clingy with me and I basically have both kids in my face all the time unless they're at school. It's, well, it's a bit much.
I'm starting to hit the wall and I don't know if I can continue like this any more. But I don't know what to say or do about it. DH can't do a different job really. He's never had a 'normal job'. His whole life revolves around what he does. He could probably request to do a bit more WFH than he does but he worries about other people taking work he could be doing. He is very dependent on me emotionally too, and if I am unwell or stressed he can't really cope with it, I have to seem to be coping or I bring him down and never hear the end of it.
As I said, I'm getting to a crossroads here. I feel like I have nothing for me and nothing to life for outside the confines of my home. I have no time, no privacy, I'm not even allowed to be ill or stressed. Nobody ever says I'm doing a good job. Food is spat out, refused. There are no appraisals. I don't know how to assert myself without freaking out my DH and I don't have it in me to leave. Anybody here fancy chatting about ways I could make my life slightly more bearable?