RSD & relationships

[duvet]

My DD (18) has ADHD/ASD and I was reading a thread about RSD in a marriage relationship which reminded me of her but also myself!  We have a close relationship but the fact that we both have this causes a strain for us both particularly in recent months.

I think it displays slightly differently in us both, growing up I was very close to my dad, he had depression and I always wanted to try make him happy.  With a ‘friend’ at school I would be the same & would feel so anxious if we fell out, to the point that I would be begging for her forgiveness, which she took advantage of.  Basically I’m a people pleaser and feel very conscious of people not thinking badly of me.  I hate to ask people for favours or feel like I haven't ‘done enough’.  In my first years of marriage if my husband said ‘we need to vacuum’ or  did some housework I would take it to infer that I hadn’t done enough and feel hurt inside!  Thankfully I feel much less anxious in most of these situations now.
My DD is similar to this in that she will misconstrue things people say as a criticism and even worse if she is picked up on something e.g college or workplace but where as I will internalise the feelings and try harder she will shut down completely and barely speak which has lost her a couple of jobs before now.
With me  however quite often what happens is that she will tell me what's worrying her and if I don't react sympathetically enough she or how she expects me to, or if I even have the wrong facial expression then she gets annoyed or upset and walks off or shouts "it doesn't matter/you clearly don't care/love me/you don't get it." The thing is I do feel sorry for her and really want to help her, I am very patient and calm with her- to the point that my other family members sometimes think I pander to her too much.  

Its now to the point that I'm analysing my own parenting skills, I m nervous in replying at times that I pause and even that upsets her, because I ‘m beginning to feel so anxious again  to say the right thing/act the right way to please her, but I'm also starting to switch off a bit to protect myself, but I feel I feel guilty about that! It's like we're caught in this toxic trap with each other and need someone from the outside to give some perspective, because the issue is probably with both of us!  

[CadyEastman]

Sorry OP but I don't know what RSD is.

[duvet]

Sorry - Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria