So isolated - I hate being ND

[grumpyvamps]

I was a diagnosis at 40, name changed for this. I’ve never sustained friendships, I realise now that for autistic people understanding the difference between types of relationship (acquaintance, friend, close friend) can be difficult and it’s led me to some stupid notions that people were friends who were just using me for free childcare etc.
I’m supposedly part of a small old group of friends - none of them came to a recent ‘thing’ and it’s made me realise that although we live close we aren’t close. We see each other twice a year. That’s it. Dh is very unwell and no one who knows has asked how I’m coping or offered help. No text nothing. I’ve realised I socialise with my adult kids and my parents. If I died tomorrow about three people would come to my funeral, if it didn’t clash.
I hate working, it’s so hard. All the everyday decisions and interactions make me suicidal in the moment if they go wrong or are tricky. I’ve joined something and it’s tomorrow (a group) and I don’t think I can out myself through that thing of meeting people and then they realise you are weird and they politely avoid you.

i know we are all meant to be celebrating being different etc but there’s nothing to celebrate for me. None of my attributes (intelligence, focus) are exclusive to ND people so it’s no advantage anywhere.

I just feel like such a waste of a life. I’m 52 and hate myself, and what I’m living. I don’t know why I’m posting.

I hear you @grumpyvamps - you are not alone. It sucks and I don't know what support to offer but I hear you.

I am trying to look for any tiny positive moments and enjoying them amongst all the shit. Like when I am having my morning coffee before my son wakes up and I have the drama of that (never knowing how he will be and if he will go to school) and then going to work myself and all that entails I try and notice and think - this is a lovely moment of peace, my coffee tastes amazing and I am just enjoying being quietly by myself. That is what I try and do anyway and that moment is usually the highlight of my day (sad). Is there anything like that for you?

Maybe going to bed with a cup of tea 😀after the stress of the day - sounds like we both have difficult times with our children. Mine are teens but struggling.
I feel like I was so excited for life as a kid and it all was knocked out of me. Like I didn’t fit in, I didn’t have a group of mates at uni, I didn’t make work friends, NCT friends etc etc

Same. I relate so much to your funeral thing - I never wanted to get married because I always had this shame that I would have noone to invite. Luckily (ha!) noone has ever wanted to marry me. and here I am at 52 (too) feeling like life as other people experience it has just passed me by. The never fitting in thing is so hard. Even after a lifetime.

Are your kids ND too?

Hi - I did get married but the majority of guests were my husbands - I had maybe six outside my family. I have a mix of ND and NT kids - I do have a lovely relationship with two of them, one despises me and one is unwell but we get on. I know for one of mine he is embarrassed by my weirdness (which I don’t know how to address as I have no idea why I don’t fit in) and my difference to other parents.
I feel kind of depressed and a bit resentful of the whole ND celebration thing - it’s not trickling down to make my life any nicer really. You can’t make people like you, and that’s probably one of the most fundamental things for humans, to connect. I know not all autistic people want to have friends, but the landscape is harsh in all areas.

I know - everything you hear about how to be happier and even live longer says that you have to connect with others but what if you try and you just don't. I have always had a conflicting thing where I sort of wanted to (and was always envious of the people who are super outgoing) but at the same time never had the sort of social energy to do it and never really enjoyed it. So I feel sad that I miss out but at the same time don't actually want to be sociable or when I try I end up making a mess of it and then feeling much much worse.

Don't get me started on the positivity about it! We have just been 'celebrating' ND Celebration Week or whatever it is called at work and when my son was refusing to go to school all week I just thought it was so ironic. If any managers had questioned it I would have been - this is the reality of neurodiversity!! Not pretty posters saying you support it.

So I feel sad that I miss out but at the same time don't actually want to be sociable or when I try I end up making a mess of it and then feeling much much worse.

oh this really resonates! I want to want to do it and be successful but because I don’t really like it and it’s so stressful I avoid it . I don’t know how much is self preservation.

Yes, from all the years of trying and failing. When I look back I had so much hope when I was younger. I always thought the next time (school, job, relationship whatever) was going to be successful and I would have friends and be liked. It is quite heartbreaking to think of young people feeling like that, I hope that is where raised awareness has maybe made it a bit better now. However, I do thing people like cute, quirky autistic characters in TV shows but in reality we seem to have the anti-x factor, that undefinable unlikeableness. Apart from to other NDs of course because we speak the same language!

Blimey you have had such a similar experience - I always felt like that, that next time was a fresh start. I also had a lot of negative experiences where people bullied me/accused me of bullying/ and it's been such a stressful life.

You’re not a waste. You’re actually very fortunate. The majority of ND people are discriminated against and can’t get a job, so the fact that someone has hired you immediately makes you a success. You also have a few adults in your life who you can socialise with, you’re not completely isolated. And you have this group of old friends who let you be part of the group, even if it’s not as close as you might wish. I would kill to have your life, because I have no friends at all and nobody will hire me because of my autism.

I'll share something that works for me and hope it's helpful. When I don't feel good inside (most of the time) I try to improve outside. I have my hair and nails done (I've learned how to do it myself because I hate someone doing it for me), some make up, dress up and good smell. If I'm too low only one or two of this list. It's self respect and self compassion in action, I think. It also gives me some sense of control. Also, for some weird reason, people treat you better when you look good and in the end it feels good.

I totally understand this. Not officially diagnosed as I'm not sure if I want to go down that path but pretty sure I'm autistic.

Realising this has somehow made me feel more aware of the fact I'm different, I think before I used to gaslight myself into thinking in the next job I'd make friends, if I move to a new town it'll be a fresh start etc, my next relationship won't break down, until I realised I am (due to autism) actually the common denominator in all of this, not just because I can be a bit shy at first or things sometimes haven't worked out.

I think it's hard because due to masking I'm expected to hold down a job, be a parent and act in a NT way but the reality is I am different, small things can affect me more and a NT world is not really set up for me. I will probably always earn less than my peers, watch them get married and start a family, whilst my long term relationship breaks down for the zillionth time and have to face those difficulties alone due to not have a support network to rely on.

I'm trying to find some sort of acceptance in this, I've stopped making a big effort to make new friends, if people don't warm to me because I'm different, there's no point setting myself up for the rejection again. Plus being ND I probably actually prefer the idea of having friends to go out with, rather than the reality!

Also trying to accept that things will be different for me due to being ND and that not excelling professionally, nor having lots of friends and even a conventional relationship isn't due to me not trying hard enough, but down to being ND in a NT world and trying not to beat myself up over this.