I'm being bullied

[8653908643h]

I'm adhd and autistic. I'm in a small friendship group with three other women. We all go to the same church. Two of the women are fine - warm and friendly and genuine. They're the same age as me and we're middle aged. The other woman is in her 20s, married and new to the area. She's the problem.

For several months now she's been getting sly digs in at me - usually regarding my weight, mental health and lack of formal education. She is confident and quite boasty. She has a high opinion of herself. She doesn't have digs at the other two women. Her mean girl vibe is very strong. I actually dread spending time with her. She's definitely not someone I'd choose to be friends with, but kind of went along with it to keep the peace. She expects trips out (doesn't drive) and never pays for meals or coffee. She's disrespecting my boundaries and I feel as though I'm being bullied. I'm a good judge of character as I've been abused in the past. This one has more red flags than a bunting parade.

I don't know what to do. The church is small and I'll keep running in to her. I've blocked her on messaging, but I'm still in the group chat. What do I do? What do I say to the others? I can't go back to church or any of the social gatherings. This is the first time in my life I've had friends and now this. I can't tell her face to face. I'm afraid of women as I was bullied by girls so badly at school. My mother also abused me. I've been through a lot in my life. I don't feel I deserve this. I'm trying to address my weight issue, but it's hard because I can't afford the adhd medications.

[LeotardsandDaisies]

So sorry you’re feeling like this! Could you ask one of the other (nice) women if they think her behaviour is a bit off? They might have noticed too ..

[8653908643h]

@LeotardsandDaisies

So sorry you’re feeling like this! Could you ask one of the other (nice) women if they think her behaviour is a bit off? They might have noticed too ..

Yes I have spoken to one of them just this afternoon and she agreed that the young woman can be a bit much at times. She thinks it may be down to immaturity. I said that I was worried about misjudging the situation, but that I had to listen to my gut and that I dread seeing her. She said she would speak with her and explain that I need a bit of space at the moment. I'm so worried about making a fuss.

How do you tell if it's intentional or just stupidity? She doesn't seem to do it to the others. I have to assume it's on purpose, but what if I'm wrong?

[8653908643h]

My other two friends are so nice, I really look forward to seeing them. They're kind and funny and warm and relaxed.

[GreenAndSpringy]

I don’t know why you haven’t approached a priest/vicar/spiritual leader of your church for a confidential chat, so I’m guessing there is a reason.

Have you considered going to an adjacent church, maybe even one from another denomination, and seeking advice there.

That you can’t go back to church or any of the social gatherings is pretty **ing serious and any church wouldn’t want that for you, even one you don’t attend.

[8653908643h]

@GreenAndSpringy

I don’t know why you haven’t approached a priest/vicar/spiritual leader of your church for a confidential chat, so I’m guessing there is a reason.

Have you considered going to an adjacent church, maybe even one from another denomination, and seeking advice there.

That you can’t go back to church or any of the social gatherings is pretty **ing serious and any church wouldn’t want that for you, even one you don’t attend.

I'm really bad at asking for help. I tend to just tolerate things and hope it goes away or stops. There is another church of the same denomination that I can go to.

[LeotardsandDaisies]

I think it’s great that you’ve approached this with your friend. It sounds like your friend is aware the other girl can be a bit much and immature.
Hopefully the girl pulls her head in after the chat with your friend, but if not you could try letting her know when she upsets you… a quick ‘ouch!’ sometimes works for me..

[LeotardsandDaisies]

Also, she needs to be pulled up if she’s taking the piss with free stuff - does your friend notice that too?

[8653908643h]

@LeotardsandDaisies

Also, she needs to be pulled up if she’s taking the piss with free stuff - does your friend notice that too?

The friend I saw yesterday doesn't know because she's very busy with work and her older dcs so doesn't come out with us as regularly as the other friend and the young woman. Us two/three olders share the coffee/lunch/cake costs and I always drive because I quite like driving. The young one has never contributed.

The other day she asked if I'd take her and her friend out and then go for coffee, so I knew that I'd end up paying for everything and I'm not well off. I feel as though there's this thing where I'm now being taken for granted and used as a convenience which has happened to me in the past and I'm not going to do it again, particularly for someone I don't really like. I'm feeling trapped and pressured. My depression is really quite bad and I'm having difficulties with young adult autistic ds so have quite a lot on my plate even though it appears I have quite a settled life. The young woman even asked what I had to be depressed about before Christmas. She actually knows nothing about me - because she never asks - and I have an extremely bad, abusive/trauma background and am unwell because of it as well as the autism and ds.

She also sent me a gif on the group chat which was a dig about my depression therapy. I can't tell if it was her idea of humour or was actually quite a cruel dig. I was really upset, but didn't say anything at the time. I told my older friend yesterday and she then understood why I was upset. Dh also thought it was a bit much and he doesn't really like her anyway because he perceives her as arrogant and stuck up.

[8653908643h]

I'm in the choir at my existing church so I'll be letting them down if I have to go to the alternative one as well as it being further and I'll miss my pals at my existing church. I just don't know how to stop being 'friends' with this young woman without being horribly rude. I tend to just go awol from situations I can't deal with. My friend yesterday is super supportive and she goes to the alternative church so I might just go there and sing instead. They're really lovely people, it's just this one woman that bothers me.

[LeotardsandDaisies]

@8653908643h

I'm in the choir at my existing church so I'll be letting them down if I have to go to the alternative one as well as it being further and I'll miss my pals at my existing church. I just don't know how to stop being 'friends' with this young woman without being horribly rude. I tend to just go awol from situations I can't deal with. My friend yesterday is super supportive and she goes to the alternative church so I might just go there and sing instead. They're really lovely people, it's just this one woman that bothers me.

Sounds like a good idea to me - especially if your friend goes there already. Hope it works out for you!

[TheFancyPoet]

I would honestly, bring this to the pastor, if I was you. And to the pastor's wife and to the ladies ministry. This does not have any place at church.

[woahhhh]

For starters if mean girl asks for lifts outside of the group just say no. She's not your friend. Just tell her you aren't available to drive people around