Can't cope with undiagnosed ADHD

[Lostboys16]

I don't know where to start this thread, I'll try not to turn it into a book!

I just feel so hopeless. I'm certain I have undiagnosed ADHD but feel like I can't do anything about it.

Reports from school where always 'head in the clouds, easily distracted, careless, forgetful, disorganised, lots of potential but struggles etc '.

I struggled with mild bullying (for want of a better phrase!) at secondary school and always felt different and disconnected from the other girls in my year. Mum took me to the doctors at around 14 for anxiety, anger and emotional breakdowns, I was told it was hormones and put on the pill, didn't help. Almost dropped out of university due to stress and was diagnosed with anxiety disorder (but I always felt like anxiety was a symptom and not a cause). Anxiety/depression meds made me slow and lethargic and I hated them. I did eventually get a degree (a year late) but basically terrified myself with 'self-bullying' until I could actually beat the procrastination out of pure desperation and fear/shame of failure.

Fast forward to now and I'm a mum of two and feel like I'm drowning. I can't cope with 2 small children, can't cope with household tasks, can't cope with work even though I've reduced my hours to a 4-day week. My relationship has pretty much fallen by the wayside as I just don't have the headspace for another adult and it's a miracle that we're still together. Every single day is an uphill struggle just to keep it all together (school, nursery, work, cleaning, admin, cooking, shopping), if one thing unexpected happens I'm in massive trouble as it takes all my strength just to do 'normal' tasks. Me/my kids are always late, always missing something/always rushed and disheveled... I just can't get us out of the house on time even if I get up hours before we need to be anywhere.

Meanwhile, I spend my evenings/nights crying at the internet as I feel like every adhd video I see and every article I read is describing me and I can relate in a way I've never related to anyone/thing ever before.

I'm too scared to tell anyone what I suspect as I feel like they won't believe me. I think I've always been made to feel like I'm just a bit emotionally unhinged and people will think I'm just looking for an excuse. I don't know what I want from this thread, just that I don't know how I can live the rest of my life like this.

There are many of us diagnosed late. Have you looked into getting a diagnosis? It can be a life changer. Was for me anyway.

I don’t have any advice to offer other than can you try and get a diagnosis, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone, I feel like this too. The struggle is real and it’s bloody hard!

@Lostboys16 didn't want to read and run. I'm not sure if this is the right thing to say or not, but regardless of when you get diagnosed in life there will always be people who don't believe it. A good starting point is to make a list of what you think having a diagnosis would help you with / mean to you - affirmation, medication, protection/adjustments at work, strategies support groups.

A few resources:
Smart Scattered - workbook all about Executive Function skills, covers home and work.
ADHD UK - under workshops they hold online meetings on different aspects of ADHD, I am sure they have one for parents.
ADHD UK - a Facebook group with lots of helpful information about pursuing a diagnosis.

@2024horizons Is this the book? here
@Lostboys16 I feel you - I am a bit older wiht older kids and in a menopausal malaise (hence my username) I am struggling to work

There are Child, Teen and Adult versions. I meant the adult one. But I am sure they are all good.

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1462516963?psc=1&ref=ppx_pop_mob_b_asin_title

Here

An EAP counsellor recommended it as she uses it with adults she works with.

She also recommended Drummer and the Mountain but not read that yet.

You need to get on a waiting list ASAP. Just get on it because they are so long.

In the meantime self-education helps a lot. These are the resources I like (basics):

So You Mean I'm Not Lazy, Stupid or Crazy?! - Book which explains the basics of ADHD and some strategies.

Open University Understanding ADHD course (free)

How To ADHD youtube channel - great bite sized bits of info on any topic you like.

ADHD Adults podcast - UK based, silly, they wind each other up a lot but the info is very good and well researched.

ADHD Essentials Podcast - I have found good for parenting tips when you have ADHD as the parent. Sorely lacking in a lot of places.

Then some more advanced or specific topics:

Russell Barkley - he has a youtube channel, many older lectures on youtube, has been interviewed on a lot of podcasts. Goes into more detail, is a bit more technical but excellent.

ADDitude Experts Podcast - especially the ones by William Dodson about medication - though I don't agree with him on every subject. He is very good at this.

Conscious Discipline / Zones of Regulation / Stuart Shanker - all brilliant info about self-regulation of emotions, the nervous system, how stress results in behaviour. These are mainly resources aimed at primary school teachers to handle challenging behaviour in children but I find them helpful for myself! Because they all start from a premise of "We can't teach self-regulation to children if the adults are not regulated themselves".

A Slob Comes Clean - the most ADHD-friendly cleaning and decluttering advice ever!! Also taught me a lot about how I form habits (ie, different from the norm).

K.C. Davis (struggle care / how to keep house while drowning) - great for "Radical acceptance" mindset of accepting yourself where you are at and dropping guilt/shame because this can be so paralysing that it's unhelpful.

Ross Greene - Collaborative Problem Solving framework, "Kids/People do well when they can" mindset - again about ditching the guilt and "I just have to try harder!" "I just have to be better!" and looking for actual, sustainable, actionable solutions which work.

I have finally got on medication about 7 years after realising I have ADHD and honestly, I think in a way I am happy that I did all of this self education before starting medication. It should have been a bit shorter of a timeline in between, but it's not the end of the world.