I feel your pain and I will share a little (looong) bit and I hope it helps, even if only to feel less alone. Skip to the end paragraph for the most helpful bit!
46yr old F ADHD/cPTSD peppered with ASD traits who still doesn't feel like her face fits, as though somehow others can, on a primal level, sense I am not ''normal'', although it is more likely something more profound. Even a recent final year course ended with me feeling like an outsider, as the group already had their dynamic and I was a newcomer - the energy was already off.
I was friendly, professional and neutral yet they were overtly horrid (although a fellow student who was in their group the year before warned me that they were a nest of vipers...trainee therapists...the non-judgemental, empathic ones, apparently).
I took it so personally as I was triggered with the familiar feeling of 'it must be me' yet logic knew otherwise - this is my CONSTANT battle emotion/triggers V logic/reality.
Ironically, when people are kind to me or say I am a good friend/colleague, I panic and mistrust them. I worry that it will feck it up or they will eventually tire of me and discard me - the wounds are still there.
Having a nasty sociopathic father who didn't want me, enabled by a histrionic mother who scapegoated me and painted ME as the problem when I spoke out about the emotional abuse didn't help, as my self esteem will never be fully healthy and years of rejection and bullying has not assisted in promoting the healing of those wounds. I'm a work in progress:)
My husband is autistic, as is my son (13), and none of us belong anywhere it feels, although we do have each-other, but it is stifling, boring and depressing at times, especially as we all have crap health conditions.
Husband was bullied most of his life and has barely any contact with his domineering and nasty family (narc mother and the rest toe the line in fear). He was always picked on as he was very different and didn't toe the line. He is very sweet, gentle and unassuming but would speak up on matters of dysfunction and abuse. He is the identified patient now and it is lonely but liberating. My son has always been targeted by bullies and struggles with anxiety, but also with social cues although we have done huge amounts to help him (such as signing him up for asd counselling and social skills groups), but I feel sad, frustarted and angry that he is paying the price for how we are and isn't surrounded by cousins due to the divisions. I also blame myself for passing on my genes and charactersitics, as awful as that sounds.
I do make friends/contacts but often when I meet like-minded souls, it fizzles out, flakes or they are just as useless at maintaining as I am, and there it is, the epiphany for me that I also flake and struggle to commit. I also see past the facade of some, especially when they start to show my any kind of toxic behaviour. My bar isn't set that high but I do have values and morals, and detest bitchfests.
Such is the trauma of being bullied and not belonging in so many environments, especially as I would not partake in bitching, not understand how to play the game, I stood out as 'other'. Being a whistleblower didn;t help. I have blown the whistle a few times in healthcare settings for illegal activities (think theft of medication, physical abuse of a vulnerable patient and similar) and safeguarding matters (think inappropriate relationship with students) in line with the profession, yet I was punished afterwards by being managed out or bullied. It is so depressing.
Oftentimes, I would make one good friend, but contact would cease when I/they moved on, despite promises, so there is recognition that meeting similar souls can result in similar behaviours! I also struggle with superficiality and people who run others down, yet are sweetness to their faces, or game playing and deceit? It repels me although I used to get sucked in by the facade.
I used to feel left out and sad seeing groups of friends having fun, meeting up etc...until I was part of such groups and couldn't hack the tittle tattle, the fall outs, the dynamics and just be utterly exhausted socialising. I still struggle with that feeling of knowing someone doesn't like me, even when they haven't even got to know me - I recently had this helping at work, when a colleague refused to work with me? I work hard and I am keen and fair, and this colleague is extremely negative and lazy (and on their way out, according to management) yet why does this one person's view of me get to me so much. I wouldn't even chose them as a friend as it is!
I've had years of therapy and making sense of who I am, how I operate, taking responsibility, being congruent with self and coming to terms with childhood/teen/work/friendship/relationship issues and dynamics, but the rejection sensitivity will not leave me, no matter how hard I work on myself, it feels hardwired. I have been great at heping others makes sense and showing empathy and love towards them and their healing, yet still get a little stuck myself...
For now, I continue with my therapy, focus on my little family and keep on trying with those that matter, and I have been dipping in a lot to the Eggshell Therapy site, which is a fantastic website for highly sensitive, gift, intense neurodivergent adults. It has been a lifesaver for me at times.