Feeling lonely among other diagnosed people

[lurkerusual]

Not sure where I'm going with... Anyone else who doesn't relate to statements like "neurodivergent people are drawn together and just click"? Often I feel more lonely in communities and forums centered around neurodivergence, and I can't relate to most of the content posted on social media either.

I think some people let their ND define them to some extent (which of course is their choice). I was late diagnosed (with ADHD) in my early 50s and almost all my circle of friends are NT. But I get along with most people - actually my job is dependent on my ability to build relationships and understand others quickly so maybe that helps - doesn't mean I actually like them though. 😜I don't get involved in ND communities/forums though. This board on MN is my only link to a ND community although I do follow a couple of ADHD related accounts on Instagram and find that helpful as I can dip in when I feel like it.

I'm not sure that helps at all @lurkerusual but don't feel you need to 'fit in'. Just because people are ND doesn't mean they will be kindred spirits for you. Some people are just arseholes regardless, or just not the sort of people you find interesting/appealing.

I also find I don't especially like most ND forums. They tend to be full of people who want everyone else to bend over backwards for them and seem to have no intention to better themselves (obviously this isn't always possible, but I really hate being told I can't do something because...whatever).
They have a tendency to go round and round cooing over certain traits and saying "NDs be like..." when no, we aren't all the same and some of us try to find workarounds for this kind of problem (eg. Always losing phone and keys).
I find the FB groups I'm most drawn to are the ones centred around my interests (mushrooms, books, insects etc).

I totally agree OP. I personally find many of the ND forums tend to be somewhat dictatorial in that there’s clearly a “right” set of views to have on certain things (such as gender) and those who disagree get shouted down. We’re not a monolithic group and I don’t think it’s helpful to pretend we are. I have more in common with some of my NT friends than I do with many ND people - it’s like expecting all left-handed people to have some sort of automatic bond. I do find it helpful to read about other ND people’s experiences (hence being on here!) but I’m not a fan of the identity politics aspect of it all.

Thank you, all three of you!

It's usually not too difficult to get along with people on a short time/acquaintance basis, but deeper friendships and relationships is often difficult (with both ND and NT people).

Guess I'm a bit sick of how it's often flaunted to exist a "universal ND experience" when there's a lot of different factors added in, like age, family situation, other personality factors, other mental health issues affecting you etc, etc.

I also dislike the "dislike of NT people". Even
though I've been pretty lonely in life, I do love some of my neurotypical
family members. It often feels a dislike of bullies, cliques or manipulative
people turns into general statements around neurotypical people - but that behaviour is not exclusive to being NT!

I remember coming across an online forum for autistic people and I came across a few political threads where the posters were very very right wing, which I am definitely not. It put me off!!

Well, the fundamental thing to remember about ND people is...we're still people, and as such have just as much of a tendency to be assholes and unlikable as everybody else ;)

I'm a member of a couple of autistic communities (which, obviously, expanded a bit to include ADHD too), and I tend to only jump in there when I either want to talk about autism, or I need someone to listen to my special-interest infodumps when my other half is starting to run out of energy to listen.

Yup, we’re all unique regardless of neurotype. Whilst it’s true for me that I’m more likely to ‘get’ an autistic person as in how they process their experiences, there’s no guarantee I’m going to like them or feel like we have much else in common.

I'm fine around ND women. ND men are almost universally creeps who stink of desperation and Will Not Leave Women Alone.

The thing is, ND people differ as much from each other as from NT people. E.g. some autistic people are very loud, some are very quiet - and the quiet ones may not be able to cope with the loud ones for sensory reasons!

Parts of it is probably related to being a girl diagnosed at a time when fewer girls and women were, and not having nearly as positive experience with being diagnosed as many people describe now.

In general I feel like I have a gloomier, gritter outlook on life than what's usually shown today (but that's social media for you...) and I feel like I have to hide myself more and make more of an effort in neurodivergent communities.

But the feeling of loneliness has always been there, to be fair. I've never felt more chemistry or connection with other diagnosed people, but it seems like you're expected to experience it today...

Absolutely. I identify more with the HSP label these days, especially because as I get older I find it increasingly difficult to cope with sensory stuff and find loud people exhausting.

You have to remember also that diagnosed autistics as a group, are different to undiagnosed autistics.