I mostly want to vent about this, but would love to hear about anyone else’s similar experience.
DS, 8, on referral for ASD assessment, he is demand avoidant, needs structure, has food issues, dislikes new and unfamiliar situations and unfamiliar things. We follow a low demand approach at home now and it’s working to some degree.
Mealtimes are a bit of an issue - he is very blunt about food he doesn’t like the look of and ferociously tells us it’s disgusting, the worst food ever, we’re the worst parents, but we stay calm, ignore the insults and simply say that that is all there is to eat and he can leave what he doesn’t like. He usually eats most of what’s on his plate after a few minutes, during which he has sat and read a book or thought of something to talk about - I guess it’s a bit of self regulation going on.
So, it’s not perfect, not socially acceptable, but it gets him eating. If we were strict and tried to force food upon him, or give him the impression that we are, he’d meltdown and refuse everything.
My issue is my mum, who lives near us and who we see every weekend, nearly always over a mealtime. My DS is every bit as blunt about her food as he is at home and she can’t hack it. She thinks we’re being too soft and he just needs ‘to be told’. This came to a head over Xmas and on NYD she shouted at him, told him he’d just have to put up with the food and that he was being horrible. Then she said ‘I’m sorry but that needed to be said’. I shut her down and told her that it didn’t need to be said like that, that she was upsetting him (he was howling) - she said ‘well he upset me’ (he’d told her that her jam sponge looked disgusting - she’d made a big hoo ha about the stupid thing and presented it like she’s Mary frigging Berry). I told her that she is an adult and he is a child struggling with food.
We have not resolved this. I’d quite happily never eat with her again. I do struggle with her myself- we’re not close, I avoid being alone with her because I find her intrusive, passive aggressive and judgmental.
If we’re not child raising her way - that is, shout them into submission - we’re doing it wrong. I’m so tired of the disapproval. I don’t actually give a monkeys what she thinks of me, I’m past that. But I feel like I can’t leave this, I need to make some attempt to get her to understand my DS. For my DD who is NT and quite close with her grandparents, I don’t want to avoid mealtimes with them forever.
I do explain to my DS that being rude about food is not kind, and that he can just say no thank you if he doesn’t want something at his grandparents. But his mind doesn’t logically process that when he’s faced with something he doesn’t like, particularly if he feels pressured to eat it.
Anyone experienced similar?
Anyone got a similar parent they’d like to mutually bitch about?! Because I’m really cross and I want to lay into her!