Nuerodiverse parent supporting nuerodiverse child during meltdown

[DancingintheDark17]

Hi,
I'm a single mum (32) who has recently been diagnosed with adhd and autism, and suspects my son (6) is also neurodiverse.

I masked a lot growing up and it took me until adult hood to finally begin to realise myself and how to cope with things, however I never had an emotional support which greatly impacted me, becoming detached, and unable to express my self, or self regulate. My son is very similar, although encouraged to be himself, he masks a lot with others, mainly due to wanting to do the right thing and please people, so his build up of emotions are released at home. I'm usually able to support these, which has allowed us to have an amazing bond, where he feels safe and secure with me, knowing ways to express negative emotions appropriately. Others don't see it like this and often see it as bad parenting when he acts up around me, so I'm constantly advocating his needs, although happy to do so it's becoming exhausting at times.

My problem just now is, our current circumstances are causing me considerable stress, uncertainty, while also grieving the loss of my mother, without any genuine support network to help, so I'm finding it hard to stay calm and collected, often displaying emotions in negative ways. I do try to talk to my son about these, however I'm aware he is negatively impacted by these, as his outburts, meltdowns are becoming more intense, and frequent. These are only with me so are becoming extremely overwhelming for me to support him appropriately. I'm extremely worried this is going to negatively affect our relationship, I know he needs release and can't always control himself, however I know I can't allow him to continue like this and need to find ways to help him, and myself. He can be extremely full on during these times, however I then become overstimulated and need peace and darkness to calm down, which doesn't help him with his need for comfort, reassurance and guidance.
Any advice or support in helping to regulate myself and my son during these hard times, is greatly appreciated

I try not to react to meltdowns. I keep reminding myself it's not personal. My DD reacts well to a cuddle with no words. Even better under a blanket

DC used to lose computer time if inappropriate behaviour in a meltdown....he earned it back by being quiet upstairs reading/with his phone.. this gave me time to de-stress. (Adrenaline crash a out 30 minutes after end of meltdown) he had an incentive to go away and leave me alone. And opportunity to calm down. (If he couldn't earn stuff back he saw no point in behaving and kept on being badly behaved)

Somehow you (might) need to learn how to get him and you to your own quiet spaces to come down after a meltdown. This should include some sort of reward for him. (Food helps regulate emotions, less hangry)

I lost my mum just over a year ago and it was really difficult to cope with DC's meltdowns. He was grieving too and unsettled by losing his usual version of mum.

I'm sorry for your loss. When I'm heading towards meltdown with my child I usually try and zone them out and do breathing exercises, sometimes I see if they need a hug because that can usually calm us both down and help us both reregulate. Other times I explain that I'm having some big feelings and I need to go and put myself in a time out before I do something (yell) or say something to upset either of us. He understands that (because it's a tactic we've devised together during a calm time, including the words I use) and he will mostly give me space for a few minutes before I come back.

Can you self regulate yourself? Your son at six unlikely has the ability to self regulate at aged six... He may be picking up on your anxiety too... Depending on the nature of your sons meltdowns, is he safe to be left in a room on his own to calm down....or will be trash the room... When my son was little I used to react adversely to meltdowns as he literally would punch or kick a door down... Even if I tried to talk calmly and reason with him... In the end I would have to stop talking and leave the room even if he was punching a door down...his negative behaviours reduced once he went to special school and now he rarely has meltdowns at all. He is thirteen now.. It takes time for the part of the brain to develop that governs self control... It's really hard even if I'm neurotypical.. I went on a riding the rapids course run by CAHMs that really helped...

Obviously I now know the best way to minimise meltdowns is to include strategies that are preventative... My son has sensory processing difficulties and would get sensory overload..also hated change. Visual timetables helped.

Can you create a safe space in his room like an indoor pop up tent with sensory calming lights like a bubble light or fibre optic lights or fairy lights. Teach him when he's calm to go to this space to calm.. You could use a visual cue to direct him to the space when you see signs he's getting triggered..i.e notice of he clenched his fists, subtle body language changes. Before he goes into full meltdown stop talking... Nothing you can do to reason with a child that has lost it.. Can take an hour for them to calm.
But you need a strategy for you too... It is hard not to react when they go ballistic.. I found leaving the room helped to keep me calm too.... He was an absolute nightmare as a youngster... But at special school primary he had sensory integration therapy and equine therapy lego therapy and also lots of interventions to teach social skills and how to self regulate and take himself to safe space.... We had to replace two doors in the house and there are still holes in the plaster walls of his bedroom... By secondary school he just stopped though and developed self control... Occasionally he will throw something if overwhelmed but it is very infrequent now.

I am wondering if you can ask for support from CAHMs to help manage his behaviiour.

Thank you all for replying, sorry been a whirlwind time at home and not got a minute to get on here lately.

Your inputs all very much appreciated, if anything it's validated a few things for me. My sons behaviour is not extreme at all, so he's completly safe on his own, it's just been my own personal fears of continuing the trauma of being left to cry myself without parental input etc, however I think at times like this it's needed. We have started doing this, when I'm unable to calmly deal with things I will leave room but explain why etc he's not happy but is beginning to self regulate, allowing for a restorative conversation afterwards. Think it's more mum guilt, as with all this and other things going on we're not doing what we used to together, but taking one day at a time the now.
He's been overly clingy with me, and not wanting to leave, although he feels safe to express emotions here I do feel he is holding some in, especially ones about me and my mum etc so I've reached out to school for input. He's a model child at school, I do assume some masking going on but on the whole he does enjoy it, school is great at putting wee things in place to meet needs, so it wasn't something they were aware of. Hopefully looking at seasons for growth or something to help him but need to wait and see x