Whole family autistic and I’m struggling - AIBU

[Gem2006]

My DS (16) was diagnosed ASD last year, after a few years of awful mental health. Since then we’ve realised my DH is definitely autistic and we think I’m on the spectrum (both awaiting diagnosis).
relationships are fraught. My DS suffers terribly with social anxiety and has withdrawn from all friends (though is lonely sometimes) so he’s really burnt out and stressed much of the time.
My DH can be lovely but also can sometimes be super insensitive. So even though he means well sometimes he really upsets us. It makes sense to me now I know more about autism but it doesn’t make it easier and I now also know he most likely isn’t going to change.
i always tried to keep us together as a family and didn’t want my DS to grow up without his dad around but now he’s a teenager they’re starting to argue. I really feel for my DS. He’s already lonely and now he’s fighting with his dad (but I genuinely don’t feel it’s DS to blame) I’m not sure whether to try to keep the peace for the sake of the family unit or whether to split up from DH. I can’t tell if our relationship is toxic or if we’re all just autistic and failing to communicate very well?

I am in a similar boat - have you reached out to local ASD parenting groups? You can find them via the NAS website but also google local groups in your area? It sounds as though you need to connect with other parents who get what you’re going through and - as it is often mums at the coffee mornings/groups - will understand the frustration of dad’s who are not adjusting to their children’s diagnoses and/or don’t really understand. The NAS offers parent classes that might help too?

I’d also mention that it is a normal part of adolescence for pubescent children to dissociate from their same sex parent - usually around 13/14, but can be later where ASD is involved. Until this age, they identify more with their same sex parent but after/during puberty, they begin to establish their individuated identity. (There is a book “Raising Boys” that explains this better and is a useful reference for you DH so that maybe he can understand why his son is pushing back.) Not sure if this is any help or reassuring in the least, but you are not alone and even allowing for the ASD the tension between your husband and son is not necessarily unnatural.

Thank you so much this is really helpful advice 😍

Fucking hell, what is it with autistic dad's (unassessed ASD but official ASD traits, bloody obviously autistic) and autistic boy teens.

endured nearly an hour of arguing earlier, ex wouldn't drop it

Nightmare