Is this a meltdown?/ social anxiety?

[PMTsickandtiredofyourshit]

I have a problem that happens when I host parties and sometimes when I go to them and I wondered if anyone here could tell me what it is.

I love the idea of hosting and making everything beautiful for visitors. I am very generous and love the creativity of sharing lovely food, music and setting with people I love but since I was young, I have experienced so much anxiety about them I end up feeling like the minute they start, I can’t relax for one minute, time slows down and I can’t help feeling everyone is bored/ not having a nice time/ hungry/ wanting to leave and I find myself feeling ill on the lead-up and just clicking into pure survival mode when I get there.

My DH often “feels ill or tired” when we have visitors and I find his low-energy hosting style rude. He talks to the cat audibly about how she must be wishing that everything would go back to normal ie everyone could leave us in peace! I’m embarrassed by the way he is when we have visitors and annoyed that he doesn’t help with the practicalities of it.

I feel baffled about what it means to be a friend. I work full—time and have a family and have positive relationships with people who I count as friends but I have SO many people in my life who I like but there are so many of them that I would spread myself so thinly I can’t be the kind of friend always checking in with people/ remembering birthdays, supporting them emotionally. It would be too much! Is this friendship or am I doing it wrong!?

I recently paid A LOT of money to throw my DH a big birthday party at a stunning venue with food/ music and decoration outsourced to someone else. I thought this would help with my anxiety but it didn’t and I really didn’t enjoy it. I felt overwhelmed. I couldn’t relax, hid in the toilets wishing the night away. I can only talk about serious subjects or things that I’d worked my way through in life and struggle to talk to guests about anything light hearted.

My awareness that I can’t let my hair down or I feel that people know I’m weird or unable to relax compounds my anxiety and I just end up cringing and feeling like an awkward, massive failure.

I have a dx of ADHD which I don’t know if it’s related or not but the hosting anxiety is getting worse…

This weekend my dad is visiting and arrived earlier than he said he would and I’ve been in a huge state of anxiety because I didn’t have time in advance to clean/ tidy the house, make the spare bed, buy the food or plan the activities. I have felt like a failure and absolutely furious with DH for, a) not understanding how stressed this has made me feel and b) not helping me to clear the backlog of tasks that need doing to make the weekend flow.
Its like I have this high standard in my imagination of what hosting is and I have an internal dialogue that I am crap at it so that ruins my time.

My dad kept saying “don’t worry, it’s fine I’ll just go with the flow, I’m your dad, I don’t care” etc etc but it can’t can me down.

It’s really upsetting me how blank my mind goes when people are in my home or being hosted by me.

Can anyone help me with what the fuck is going on?

Thank you!

Might be worth getting an autism assessment too. Oh, and stop doing all the things that both you and your DH find so difficult, because you think you ought to do them. You don't have to.

I have diagnoses for both and live a much quieter and less anxious life these days.

I agree you’re probably AuDHD. The anxiety you describe feels very autistic to me.

I have always been a very anxious host and as a result never do it! But I absolutely loathed my wedding reception because I spent the entire time worrying that people were having a shit time, weren’t eating the cakes so they’d go to waste… silly things really. I know now why I felt that way, but at the time I felt quite traumatised that I hated it so much.

I actually hate wedding receptions full stop. The loud music, small talk, being expected to dance (I’d rather stick pins in my eyes).

Your DH sounds a bit autistic too.

Your post did sound autistic but I don't know enough about ADHD to rule out whether it could cover all your traits as there is some overlap.

Personally I get annoyed with the overlaps. Asd! DD is probably dyspraxic but autism and hypermobility could account for symptoms.

Thank you!
I really don’t think I am autistic because I have no sensory issues, enjoy good relationships, had no developmental delays or speech delays and I have no trouble putting myself in others’shoes. ADHD symptoms account for
myOP

Im like you OP.i was diagnosed with social anxiety and more recent yrs been agoraphobic in spells of stress.
Awaiting an adhd assessment.
I agree dont do theses things.
I dont eat out and wouldnt invite people to my house.this xmas my kids invited themselves back with fiancee.
Tbh as adults they are helping and i might get overwhelmed but they can entertain themselves tbh.
Im not here to be the perfect everything to everyone and if my dh makes a faux pas im not excusing a sixty something man.

I really don’t think I am autistic because I have no sensory issues, enjoy good relationships, had no developmental delays or speech delays and I have no trouble putting myself in others’shoes.

That’s a pretty narrow and stereotypical definition of autism though! I’m autistic and I don’t really have sensory issues (although I’m starting to appreciate that I do have sensitivities to light and excessive noise that might be outside the norm). I’m also quite empathetic and intuitive.

My daughter is autistic and had absolutely no developmental delays, and precocious speech.

I mean you said yourself you find it hard to figure out friendships and what it means to be a friend. I get that.

I know. I just find it a bit annoying that every time I seek advice for an issue people start diagnosing each other with autism left right and centre. It’s not that helpful.