No friends

[takemebacktothe90sSsSs]

I'm really struggling with my friend situation. I've always struggled to make friends and I find it hard to keep them too.

I have adhd and I'm pretty certain I have autism or some other ND.

I feel like I just repel friends and people in general

Primary school seemed to be okay, I was in with a "quiet" group and was in the choir etc. Secondary school was the point where I noticed the shift.

I have no friends from school years, no friends from Uni or any of the jobs I've worked in over the years. People just seem to dump me and I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I just don't feel valued and I'm so lonely.

I don't know why I'm posting because I know it won't change anything, but wide awake as usual at this time and just going over it in my mind.

@takemebacktothe90sSsSs I wish I could offer more words of comfort but just wanted to say that I totally relate and I deal with the same thing. I have always just attracted people in the short term who use me and just throw me away when I have served a purpose. I don't get it because I'm kind, take an interest in people and have always put so much into any friendship I've had, yet I see truly awful people have plenty of friends. Its hard 😔

I think primary school friendships are controlled by adults, there’s a strong emphasis on being kind and including everyone and the teachers make sure none of the kids are left out. But at secondary school the kids are old enough to choose their own friends, so they choose not to be friends with ND kids and the teachers don’t get involved. Lots of ND kids get excluded at secondary school and it just continues from there. Adults tend to be kind and polite but don’t want to get any closer than a casual acquaintance.

There are research studies showing that NT people discriminate against ND people, within a few seconds they make a snap judgement that they don’t want to be friends, just based on the sound of your voice and your body language etc. I don’t see how this can be overcome. The only option I’ve found is to learn to accept being alone. As Skatykaty said, it’s hard when you see some truly awful mean people with friends but nobody wants to be friends with you even though you’re a good person.

I can relate OP. I have barely no family either so often feel like I’m in this world on my own. Yes I’m married but it’s female company I’m missing. I see friends, work colleagues, family members, sisters…all go out and I feel lost.

Ive not received any Christmas cards from family and this makes me feel so much worse (they live five hours away).

I’m not close to anyone and wish I was. I too see some nasty people with friends..how does this even happen ☹️☹️

It sounds as though you are struggling. One thing I would suggest is reading How to Win Friends & Influence People.

It's an old book but it's still in print because it's really quite good.

Do you do any activities to like a book group or a choir? If not, I'd consider going to one. Not to make friends but to get out and enjoy the activity. You may meet someone along the way.

Hello i could have written your post I'm married but have no real life friends the odd people I text but don't meet up and see them.

I've actually given up trying because I make a disaster of trying and I'm terrible for over sharing and the feelings it leaves me with is awful 😞. But the biggest guilt is my children never get invited for play dates and I often wonder is it because of me.
I was diagnosed late at 41 in August this year with adhd so atleast I now have an answer but it doesn't make it any easier to live with.

Just know you are not alone 🫂 xx

I can also relate OP. It’s lonely having no one irl to talk too and I’m the same with school friends, they just went away. Idk what to do to change that because I do feel like no one wants to get to know me even if I try and put myself out there

@Greencabbages3 I really do need to go to the GP and talk about getting assessed for ADHD. Eldest DC is already diagnosed and you youngest is on the pathway for ASD/ADHD. I'm a chronic over sharer too

Definitely found my people here!

I have acquaintances and people I’m friendly with, plus two groups of MNers that are some of my closest friends and regularly chat with and spill my guts to online only, but I have no “real” friends.

I’m in touch with no one from primary school and am just Facebook friends with a couple of people from secondary school and college, though we never talk or meet up (I moved 200 miles away).

My last “real” friend ghosted me almost 3 years ago, she was supposedly my best friend (we had house shared in our early 20s and stayed friends for the next almost 20 years). We had been through so much together - infertility, pregnancies, weddings, loss of parents, etc - and then out of the blue she just didn’t contact me on my 40th birthday and I’ve never heard anything from her since. I’ve wracked my brains over what went wrong and I can’t think of anything, but it’s definitely a pattern of people just not wanting to be friends with me anymore.

I’m not diagnosed but I’ve wondered for years if I might have ASD, I tick so many boxes, and reading this thread is making me wonder if this is another thing to add to the list.

I think the answer is probably finding other ND people - pretty much all of my friends are also ADHDers (whether they know it or not...). I have mainly met people through my hobbies (music and yoga - lots of ND people in both of these places).

Other than that I try to treat all my interactions like a friendly encounter - I don't mean seeing every person as a potential friend, I just mean smiling and chatting, being open and warm - usually they will respond in kind and it makes the world feel kinder and friendlier. Caveat - I don't have to mask to do this, it is actually me without my mask (masking for me would be quietening down...), so appreciate it may not work for everyone.

I think the answer is probably finding other ND people

I think that's been the answer for me too. I am lucky enough to have a strong group of friends from childhood. It's only as our DC have been diagnosed with a variety of ADHD & ASD that we've realised that we're all ND too.

We just thought we were the uncool kids at school

It's a bit like being sober when everyone else is drunk - you exist on a different plane to everyone else, almost like a parallel universe. When you find friends who are on the same plane social interactions make a lot more sense.

I totally understand. Still waiting to find my tribe. Starting to think it doesn’t exist. Can’t decide if my avoiding people is because I don’t want friends or because it’s just to stressful not fitting in.

That’s the worst part. Feeling my social incompetence affects my children. They don’t have days out with family friends because we don’t have any. My sister and brothers families are always socialising and their kids are busy with family friends. I feel I’m letting mine down.

I deal with the same thing @takemebacktothe90sSsSs . I've always felt like I'm just disposable and if I disappeared most people wouldn't even notice