Can I ask for advice?

[Coldcomfortfarmer]

I hope you don’t mind me posting here. I’m a NT parent of ND DD who would really like some ND adults’ perspectives on this. I would love another child and am contemplating IVF (I know it might not work anyway) but worry about DD, who obviously needs to come first. She is “high functioning”, very bright (and very loving), but with PDA/ASD profile and significant challenges. We’ve had lots of ups and downs. She would be 9 if we succeeded in having a sibling for her.

I am very close to my siblings (also a large age gap!) and can’t imagine being without them. Plus DD is very sentimental about past experiences and doesn’t like things ending and my heart breaks when I think of her having no one to remember her childhood when we die. I know she’ll find this extremely difficult and there’s no one else to fill that gap (cousins living abroad etc). This is the thing I find hardest. And she gets very soppy and caring whenever she sees little ones around. She’s drawn to them.

But that’s when they are a brief encounter not a permanent fixture! I worry about how unsettling another child would be after so long as an only (even if she has more maturity to deal with it /understand and is more independent in entertaining herself than she would have been before). And from a second child’s point of view they would be coming into a household which is very loving and supportive but where things can be very tense when DD is finding things tough at school. We have a long way to go and she may find secondary very tough. Plus the likelihood of another ND child is high and their needs and priorities might be very different/contradictory. Also DH is almost certainly ND (he thinks so) and gets v stressed and so I do the bulk of household stuff and childcare on top of full time work.

So I’m not kidding myself this would be easy. If it was just about me I would do it (and take the risk of a more severely affected child which I also realise would be a possibility). I feel very sad about not having another. but I don’t want to be selfish and wellbeing of DD and any second child should be the priority.

Sorry this is so long. In short: I feel I have failed DD by not giving her a sibling but am worried that I might fail her by having one now, or that it might not be fair to second child. Can anyone cast light on how they coped with siblings? And was it worth it or would they rather be an only? Thank you.

Hi OP. I had a second child when my DS1 was 10 (and a third/last when he was 13). He has ADHD and when younger had some aspects of PDA although was never diagnosed with that, and I would not say it is a problem any more. He struggles with anxiety although currently day to day I would say he is doing fine.

It is a bit tricky to balance both their needs, I did struggle a bit over the last few years because DS1 often needed/wanted attention in the evenings when I had finally got the baby down and I was just exhausted/done. I wouldn't particularly say that this has impacted our relationship because TBH I was already struggling to give him attention in the evenings specifically. But I probably should have had a bit more proactive input on his schoolwork/homework etc.

Overall though it's been positive and a fantastic thing. I always felt guilty about not giving DS1 a sibling and then I thought it wouldn't be the same with a large gap and true, it's not - but that doesn't really seem to matter, they have a nice relationship. They will never be "best buddies" and neither is DS1 a built in babysitter, like everyone said he would be!! But overall it's been wonderful and I would 100% make the same choice again.

Thanks so much for taking the time to reply. I’m very torn but it’s lovely to read that it’s worked out so well for you all.