Overwhelmed with my DC's problems

[Theordinary]

I'm feeling completely overwhelmed with the difficulties my children have. Both my DC are ASD/ADHD. They are both struggling at school for a miriad of different reasons mostly related to their lack of social skills and anxiety . I am likely ASD but will probably never seek a diagnosis as I'm now in my 40s.
In particular, my DD, 15, has just been dumped by her best friend. She has only this one friend at school so the implications are huge. She is 6 months away from her GCSEs and is underachieving massively, grade wise as well. She is now completely isolated and will literally not speak to another soul all day at school. She (and I) are utterly heartbroken. I am angry at the injustice of the situation. I am so, so worried for her. Mostly though, I am just drowning in sadness for my daughter. I am hiding this from her and trying to be strong. I don't know how to help her. My own difficulties mean I feel very quickly overcome with emotions and take so much of her pain into my own head. I don't even think I am able to properly articulate how I feel. I just need to offload.
The situation feels so bleak. I sometimes feel that I should never have had children. They have inherited all my difficulties. If I had known how hard life would be for them, I would never have had them. It's all too painful.
Can anyone relate at all?

Yes hard relate. DD is in college and struggling to adapt our fit in. The massive buildings with bright, crowded areas full of noisy teens are hell for her. This after years of being isolated at secondary and the pressure of GCSE year, when she came home exhausted every day and like you said, hadn't spoken to anyone all day so I listen to her (or get the brunt of anxiety induced temper), bearing her emotional load as well as mine.
I'm struggling tbh to keep her organised (and hand-holding through homework) and still going to college and get things done in the day that I need to. Also it's taking its toll on my mental health, I feel like there's nothing holding me up any more.
Sorry, usually am more positive than this!

QuickFetchTheCoffee, I'm sorry to hear you're going through it too. It's the constant worry that's dragging me under. I often wake up around 3 am with all these worries about the future going round and round my head. It's tiring. I work full time but I'm actually off work for a fews weeks recovering from surgery. In some respects being here for both of the kids is great as I can be here to support them, however it's doing me no good at all. I'm starting to wonder how I actually had time to work at all with organising Camhs appointment, Dr's etc.
It's taken me 2 hours to get my DS to school today as he is so anxious!
Have you got much support in real life?

That sounds difficult, you need to make sure you get some rest too - I always tell people I'm selfish because if I don't look after myself first I can't look after other people!

I don't work for various reasons (incessant migraines often caused by sensory issues being one), and my support network is basically my husband who is disabled and not always able to cope with DD!
Do you have any support yourself?

As for taking 2 hours to get your DS to school...been there too. I was still walking DD to school in year 11 (for about 2/3 of a 35 minute walk) just so she could talk to me to calm her anxiety. Always late. Sometimes very late. Walked her right through the gates and into the reception on first day back after every break because she was so anxious about going in.
Having to talk her through the first steps of what she should be doing in the day because she was so stressed she'd forgotten. Feels like nobody else ever has had to do this!

Also, autistic rumination! When your thoughts circle and circle like you're trying to find a solution. Truth is there isn't a solution there's only time, and things will get better. They don't stay the same forever.

That sounds tough for you too. It is important to look after ourselves. The problem I have is any available time I have I spend on my phone, so I guess I never truly switch off mentally. I spend hours researching possible solutions to all the many problems we have in this family. I drive myself crazy doing it and no solutions are ever really found.
I have my husband who is my closest person. He is very hands on as a Dad but he also finds the situation extremely frustrating and overwhelming sad.
I have this sinking feeling that although the current problems will probably improve, I feel it's likely they'll be replaced by something worse.
I do sound very negative today too.

I've found the most helpful thing I could do was teach DD about thinking traps etc to help manage anxiety by being rational (helps me too!), and recently I applied for a Education Health Care Plan needs assessment (lots of advice from mums on here and FB groups and on websites IPSEA and SOS!SEN.

The absolute most helpful thing I could do for myself is take a break from the phone research and scrolling. It's a time eater and if I spend too long on SM I get depressed. I need a holiday from it!

medium.com/@sonnyhallett/loops-of-concern-ff792eebad03

Good article here written by an autistic person on how to ease loops of concern (rumination)