Hi, I'm hoping maybe someone can shed some light on this so I can try to work out a way to minimise the impact it has.
For context, I'm a late-diagnosed female. Appeared to have MH issues when younger, couldn't hold down a job for long, in hindsight it was a mix of trauma and being overwhelmed/meltdowns/burnout with no framework for understanding this. I would either walk out of jobs or get fired (usually kindly encouraged to see GP) cos I couldn't stop crying.
After being out the workplace for years and healing a lot, most of these issues have gone. However there is still this feeling that creeps over me at work, and I don't know exact what causes it. It used to be the point where I'd walk out of a job. The feeling is like... every nice feeling or thought seems to recede, and be replaced but dread, emotional pain, an overwhelming sadness and need to cry. It's as if a darkness takes over the atmosphere and I'm incapable of feeling ok (HP fans - dementors!) If I could wave a magic wand and suddenly it was the end of the day, I'd be fine within minutes of leaving work. So it IS caused by work, somehow.
My current job is as a PA for a disabled person. It involves long day shifts. In the afternoon I do household chores for a few hours, in this time is when the awful feeling starts. At this point I am on my own after interacting with/assisting the person in the morning. When all jobs are done I can read or whatever until I'm needed again, so it's not stressful in that sense. As soon as I'm interacting with the person again I snap back into being fine and the awful feeling goes away.
The closest I can identify is that it seems to have something to do with there not being enough work to fill the time... Or not the right kind of engaging work. I can listen to podcasts whilst I work but find I stop concentrating as the feeling takes over. Something about having to be there regardless, and not quite being able to be myself because obvs I'm at work. Occasionally we'll do something together in this time, which is actually more stressful in a conventional sense, as you're kind of doing a friendly thing whilst still at work being professional, which is a hell of a complex dynamic to navigate. But it's far less stressful in the sense I struggle with because there's the mental stimulation of conversation (and whatever we're doing).
Any thoughts on what I'm experiencing or how best to manage it?
I'm actually signed off work sick right now as in a bad patch and reached burnout. I know I basically need to find a new job. But I'm trying to work out what this feeling is and how to minimise it so work is not a disaster.