Am I a rubbish friend or do I just need new friends?

[Lovemusic82]

I don’t have many close friends and the ones I do have are mostly male, the past few months most of my friends have been barely talking to me, cancelling plans and just not really being there. I have been single for 8 years but recently started seeing someone who I have been friends with for a few years but 2 days ago they randomly stopped taking to me, I was supposed to be seeing him today, he then sent me a message saying he wasn’t in a good place and could he cancel me going to his today (after ignoring me for a couple days). My friend then said he would meet up with me today instead but it gets to today and he doesn’t give me a straight answer if/when we are meeting so I’m sat around waiting (still no straight answer from him) so my days been wasted waiting around. A couple other friends that I usually speak to every day have almost vanished (just message me once every couple of weeks or when I message they give one word responses).

Im starting to think that maybe I’m not a nice person? Maybe I’m boring or a rubbish friend? There’s something wrong with me?

I am going through diagnosis for ASD and ADHD and also perimenopausal (just started HRT) so hormones are all over the place but I am nice to people even when I don’t really want to be.

Today I just feel like crying, I feel like I know a lot of people but have no real friends, I don’t know how to find new friends when I’m in my 40’s and struggle even more to find female friends as I’m not very feminine and a bit quirky. I am sociable but not in big groups but I do often find NT people really boring, most of my friends are also ND but at the moment they are just not being good friends (or I’m just a crap friend).

This might reflect more what 'friends in your forties' can be like than anything about you, you sound nice and considerate to me. I think people's lives can just get busier and more in a routine; I know I for instance rarely get a chance to socialise whereas when I was younger I was out and about a lot more. I have friends I rarely see and sometimes I feel guilty about not being good at keeping in touch, but life is too busy for me at the moment. The same might be true of your friends.

I know it's easier said than done but try to ride it out; things will change again, they always do. In the meantime, could you maybe start an evening course or join a club around an interest/hobby of yours?

Your 'friends' don't sound like friends to me, not how I understand friendship anyway.

I'm an older autistic female with a few close female friends. I define these friendships as solid, proper friends. None of them would 'leave me hanging' or cancel at short notice, or fail to make definite plans because they all know that this would cause me distress. I need clear plans, clear communication and commitment - all of which I give in return, because I respect and value my friends.

This is the type of friendship you deserve, a friendship where you are respected and valued. You're not getting that with these 'friends'. It's not you, and the internal narrative that you are not a nice person, I bet, is utter bollocks.

I'm not feminine. I am 'quirky'. But I still have female friends. Just because you're not stereotypically feminine and you're quirky does not mean you are not worthy.

Do you know of any autism/ND support groups in your area? That's always a good way of meeting like minded people. The suggestion from the previous poster re: joining a club or an evening class - would that be something you could do?