Sorry this is so long. I needed a bit of catharsis to get it out there. Don't read if you don't want.
I’m a single parent to a 13 year old with ASD. I also have ASD, but most of my family don’t accept/know that (private diagnosis, long story).
Since before DD’s birth, Christmas Day has always been at my parents’ house, where DD and I also live. The same family members are always invited. The pattern of the day is always the same: stockings, church, prep & then eat lunch, presents, supper & board games.
2 years ago DD went to her other grandparents’ house for Christmas, and came back having self-harmed. She couldn’t articulate why she had done it. I wasn’t there.
This year, my brother and SIL have decided to host Christmas. They live locally to us (under 30 minutes’ drive, not close enough to walk). DD is very distressed at the thought of the change, and I feel pretty upset by it too.
Not only will the location be different, but the whole structure of the day will be because they fit everything around their toddler’s nap times, don’t want to wait until the evening for presents, don’t really play board games, aren’t practising Christians. And there isn’t room for all the extended family so we won’t get to see my uncles, cousins etc. The dinner itself will be different (still a roast dinner, but just not done the way my Dad does it). I do love my brother and SIL, but I don’t feel comfortable in their home the way I do in mine, I always feel like a guest and never properly relaxed. And I don’t have anywhere to hide when it just gets too much. And I’ll have to drive home, so I won’t be able to drink.
Independently of the hosting, we switched over last year to Secret Santy instead of presents for all the adults, and I found it so awful last year that I’ve opted out of it this year, so the only present I’ll get will be from DD. I’m really upset that we stopped doing proper presents for everyone, but everyone else prefers it this way. I still intended to buy for everyone this year, accepting that I won’t get anything in return, because I like to give presents and that was how we always did it before last year (except I used to get presents back too). But my Mum and sister said this wasn’t appropriate and would ruin the Secret Santy.
I just don’t know what to do for the best. Does anyone have any advice on Christmas for the neurodiverse? I’ve tried to mentally prepare myself for it, but it makes me cry and feel nauseous to think about how everything will be different, and wrong. I know it sounds like I’m being melodramatic and it’s only one day, that why I’ve name changed – I do recognise that it sounds way OTT and I feel ashamed, but I don’t know how to get out of this cycle of thinking.
I was wondering whether there was a practical solution that DD would enjoy, like if we stayed home for most of the day and just went over for a couple of hours. Or if we went earlier but I agreed with her in advance that we’d leave as soon as she wanted (which would still leave me stuck there if she ended up enjoying herself). Or I might bring along an outfit I could get changed into to go for a walk (walking doesn’t help DD). I don’t know what else I can do to mitigate the impact on both of us. Even with these things in place, it still all sounds wrong.
I’ve tried talking to a few family members about this (sister, Mum, sister-in-law). None of them really get what the problem is, they’ve basically told me to just suck it up and get on with it. In a nice way: they are kind about it, but they just can’t see that there’s an issue. DD’s diagnosis is recent and I don’t think they really accept, deep down, that she has ASD (because she masks, meltdowns are not uncontrollably loud etc.). And they take the view that I got to adulthood relatively successfully without suspecting I had ASD so it can’t be a big deal.
Please, any help? Not with trying to persuade them that our ASD is real, but with managing Christmas.