Possibly autistic son doesn’t have many friends

[MymBa555]

I’m worried for my nearly 13 year old son. He loves socialising but he doesn’t seem to get invited out much. He seems to get ‘dropped’ a lot by previous friends, or current friends don’t seem very proactive. He has a proactive friend who does get in touch, but this boy gets on with loads of people and gets invited out by others. It’s half term and my son has been invited to this friendly lad’s house as one of three invited for a sleepover - but otherwise we seem to be doing all the running with any other friends. He does a lot of sport but has been excluded from groups there and doesn’t seem to have anyone he’s chummed up with. They just seem to move on from him. Maybe it’s just bad luck. He’s a lovely hearted child, such a good egg. I think I may be on the spectrum and I had a lonely adolescence and although I have friends I’m not first on anyone’s phone call list if that makes sense. I also have social anxiety though so maybe it’s the anxiety talking!
Am I worrying unnecessarily? I thought by this age he’d be regularly heading out on his bike to the park etc.
Also - does getting a diagnosis help navigate these things? If we are on the spectrum I think we’d be level 1 or what used to be called Asperger’s. Thanks in advance.

I worry about this with my son too, he’s 13. We’re waiting for a diagnosis. I find there is talk of plans but then nothing happens, then he feels disappointed and gets upset. He was meant to go for a sleepover this half term but that didn’t happen. Recently he has made more friends with a different group, but it hasn’t made much difference. I really feel for him, I don’t know what the answer is but you are not alone.

Thank you. Have they indicated whether a diagnosis helps at all? Does that self-knowledge make it easier to navigate I wonder? My son has previously had extra social help at school, but we’ve hesitated to go after a diagnosis. Like I say it’s possible I’m projecting some of my own social anxiety on to this so I’m wondering what’s ‘normal’ if there is such a thing. I don’t want to give him a complex!

Sorry should of said waiting for an assessment. The subject was approached by his head of year who suggested he might be on the spectrum and we took things from there. I think it depends on the individual as to whether you decide to seek a diagnosis. things to consider to help you decide…..

how does he feel about the friendship situation?

How does his symptoms affect other areas of his daily life?

If he’s ok with both of these you may feel you don’t need to. Or you could go online and look for techniques etc and manage it yourself.

I decided to pursue it because he struggles on a daily basis, he can’t regulate his emotions, he gets very angry over the slightest thing and I can’t see this doing him any favours as he progresses through life ie jobs/relationship problems.
I’m constantly getting communications from school saying he’s disrupting the class, can’t focus, loses and forgets things. I wonder if adhd might also be a factor and this is another reason for us to get a diagnosis.

another reason….
whilst doing research into it all, i found out i had ADHD which in fact turned out to be bipolar and still the possibility of ADHD with some autism thrown in. I really struggle with life and I’m only just starting to rectify it at 40, i don’t want the same for my son. It means he may or may not have the same, my parents never had me diagnosed and I don’t want to make the same mistake.

it can take so long to get an assessment, talking years! Would it be an option to get his name on the list and pull out later down the line if you still don’t want to do it.

i hope that gives you some perspective

No idea what normal is 😂

A diagnosis is helpful in terms of getting the school to take action. A child being excluded is just classed as bullying, they will do fuck all and insist it’s out of their hands. But as soon as the child is diagnosed with a disability such as autism, suddenly excluding him becomes “disability discrimination” and the school will bend over backwards to make sure the other kids include him.

Hi first of all sorry you are going through this. We also went through it and have moved on to the point where ds has no friends who contact him. He had friends during primary school, and made new ones while joining secondary school, and there were even bike trips, but things started to go so badly. My son was literally left behind by 'friends' on one bike trip.

He did actually delete all his contacts when it became clear he was consistently being left out and excluded.

To be fair, DS can be hard work, especially with high levels of anxiety he has atm, but i still find it really disappointing how happily most neighbourhood teenagers, who've grown up with DS, and their parents, are so happy to drop DS completely without any questions or expressing any concern. I try to imagine one of my son's school friends just dropping out of his life and not reaching out to his parents, to check things are ok but i can't really

Anyway, the diagnosis did help DS - he found it a big relief to understand there was a reason he felt different.

I hope one day he finds real friends. In the meantime better to have no friends than shit friends. I admire his ability to see that at his age - it took me many decades to get there.

I don’t think you’re worrying unnecessarily- I would be too, it’s so heart wrenching to see you child socially excluded.

I am very similar to you and your son in that respect - few friends and never a best friend! Until a few years ago when another mum who I had got to know in the playground, and who has anxiety herself, decided to make me her BFF. She sort of adopted me - maybe saw the similarity between us. So a little bit of me now thinks - maybe it’s just a case of finding the right people who get you. And that can take time, lots of time, but if you remember that you’re a worthwhile person and keep doing things you enjoy, you’ll most likely find a few friends along the way. Good ones!
On the positive side, if he’s willing and enjoys sports that’s amazingly good for his confidence and mental health even if it’s not resulting in friendships particularly just now.

It’s difficult to know how much to say to him I’m guessing - you don’t want to put the idea in his head that this is in any way his fault because it isn’t. It really isn’t.
From my own experience as a teenager, being rejected and excluded in those fragile years is really hard, so I think seeking help for him would be useful if you suspect that he is autistic. It may help frame his situation for him and give him an understanding that there is nothing wrong with him, it’s just that his (amazing) brain works in a slightly different way to many other brains. Sorry that sounds really trite!

In terms of diagnosis - what other symptoms are there that make you think he may be autistic? My 8 year old is possibly on the spectrum but like you I’ve been holding off on starting down the pathway because I’ve just not been sure if diagnosis would benefit him.
Does your school have a SENCo you could speak to for advice? I’ve been to see ours and she was quite helpful but discouraged me from seeking a diagnosis until I’d put some actions in place at home to help my son. I’ve done that and it’s helped me see consistencies in his behaviour that make me think that actually, he may well benefit from some support at school and may well be autistic.

You sound like a lovely mum. Best wishes to you both.