Parenting in freeze mode adhd

[Greencabbages3]

hi it's half term and I find parenting three children sends me into shut down and freeze mode. The demands of all of them differ my eldest has asd my middle one is in the process of starting the pathway and I myself am newly diagnosed inattentive ADHD at 41. Youngest is almost 4 so unsure if they are showing traits yet.
I struggle with this part of my life I have no idea what to do with them as taking them out leads to meltdowns screaming fits etc so when I'm on my own we tend to stay home but then the pattern of negative self talk comes in why can't I cope why can't I just get on with it. I freeze and I'm stuck. I feel like my coping mechanisms have disappeared since I've entered my 40's.
I'm in the process of getting support for my older two but that it's self is overwhelming lots of meetings and lots of referrals. Everything feels so hard at the moment plus no support for adults with adhd where I live I just feel burnt out 😔

Hi OP, we sound so alike!
I too have been diagnosed with inattentive ADHD in the last few years (as well as ASD) since my son was diagnosed. I'm late 30's so I also feel like I've masked for all these years, and now I'm aware of my diagnosis, I feel like I'm struggling even more! I don't know if this is due to having my son with needs that are almost triggering to my own overwhelm? Or as I get older the mask is just totally slipping? But I'm really really struggling, especially with my identity. It feels like I don't even know who I am anymore!? And I don't know if this will get better 😢

Sending virtual support to you as you're not alone, and kudos to you doing this with 3 children ❤️

I also very much relate to your 'shutdown' and 'freeze modes'. For me the only way I can function sometimes is to write down how I'm feeling or things that are currently overwhelming me. And then I can prioritise things that I can change or tick off a to do list when I'm feeling a bit more 'clear headed' x

Thank you for your reply I really feel like what you have written here I don't know who I am after diagnosis 💯. Also this weight of needing to be a sound stable reliable parent for my ASD child leaves me feeling so overwhelmed I feel I just want to run away 😣. I'm also triggered unfortunately by the stims my child does so I constantly feel on edge.

I'm sorry your going through similar it's really hard isn't it 🫂

It really is so hard, I relate to every single word you've written. I just wish I had some answers 😔

I don't know if there are any answers unfortunately. Have you tried meds for ADHD? I've opted not to at the moment. I just wish there was a adult in person support group as I think that would help massively x thanks

This reads totally like my sittuation @Greencabbages3 ! I find it really hard to recharge lately... Everything feels like the groundhog day and I cannot find joy in anything and there is absolutely nothing I look forward to in life... I just cannot see any bright future for my DS.

DS and DH are both ASD and ADHD. It is tough, especially with my son stimming and and generally jumping around. I get so triggered with his stims and then I feel guilty because of it. Holidays are overwhelming, double the stress if we go somewhere. The only way I recharge is by being alone, preferably away from the civilisation. If I go away for a bit and recharge, when I am back home I'll be out of spoons within a day. I feel stuck...

I don't have any advice I'm afraid. Just solidarity!

Re meds - DH says ADHD meds help him a lot with reactivity and energy levels. I can totally see how he gets much less triggered by things! So maybe give it a go?

Hey I'm sorry your going through a tough time also. Thanks forthe solidarity means alot 🫂

I could have written this! I only have one kid so god knows how you do it with three! Massive hugs to you (and I don't usually do them as I also have ASD as well as ADHD). My DD is now 14 and since I was pregnant with her I have struggled with whether I'm doing it right. I constantly give myself a hard time. I don't know if I have any great tips to be honest. I find writing stuff down helps, time on my own, work adjustments (I changed jobs!), drinking enough water, eating well and antidepressants. I tried ADHD meds but they didn't agree with me. I hope you find some support on here. x

Is the children's father around? Can you get him to do more?