Navigating goodbyes. Shutdowns?

[SilentBobby]

My son has recently been diagnosed with autism and on the back of that I am seeking ADHD/autism assessment (funny story, mine was thrown out because I lack the executive functioning and organisation to complete the forms and process -super system.)

Anyway, been trying to unpick my son's and mine behaviour because whilst he is more obvious and extreme than me, he certainly mirrors me in many ways.

The latest example is goodbyes. I always find inlaw visits very stressful and tbh it is the only thing me and my husband argue about that endangers our marriage. There's a whole load of what I would term microaggressions for lack of a better word but I won't go into it. Just to say there is a bit of background there.

Anyways, goodbyes with his parents have always greatly stressed me out before I even knew that I was neurodiverse. Were not close either emotionally or geographically but his mother always I insisted on hugs, cheek kisses (I hated this as I have a thing about saliva and spots) and gets all morbid for lack of better world. (Like she is dying or something, she's not, but that kind of melodrama at parting)
I'd be fine if she limited this to my husband but actually she's worse for me. For example, she rarely kisses him only hugs.
Anyway, since seeking diagnosis I have tried to mask less and go along with the social things that make me uncomfortable. Teaching children about consent too so it doesn't make sense to model coerced consent.
Anyway, mil doesn't seem to be able to.stop herself despite being told again and again so I've been using physical barriers, like holding a child, coat whatever.
Today I stood in the baby pen, holding baby and doing waves and stuff (avoiding eye contact myself find hers too intense) but saying goodbye. She leans over and pat's my arm. She has been doing this a lot when I have been avoiding the kissing etc.
I don't know why but I feel a bit invaded. Like the same feeling as when she kisses me without consent when all my body language is screaming fuck off.
My son also went quiet at goodbye and just waved. Dh who is normally understanding trying to coerce verbal out of him.

Firstly am I being unreasonable to expect that my son and I are allowed to draw out own goodbye boundaries and why Is my husband trying to make a 'special case' to override them, when he is normally good. For transparency we see my parents more but they don't do hugs and we don't insist he says goodbye in any way just a silent wave or something..

Secondly, is this shutdown. Both my son and I get really quiet in the goodbye lead uo time and in-laws try to 'snap us out of it'.

Both sets of in-laws we have issues with as both do the whole everyone is on the spectrum, you should just learn to cope thing.

Feeling weird like I have been assaulted or something.

I'm navigating this with my sister. My DS age 5 is awaiting diagnosis and doesn't always follow social norms when saying goodbye.

My sister is autistic (dx a couple of years ago) and has fibromyalgia, so I have had to completely change my physical interactions with her. From my experience, physical contact is how I show my love and emotional closeness to my family (not friends!). DH family are not physical at all. Your MIL might be finding it difficult to understand that this is something you don't need, let alone dislike. Have you explained kindly and very clearly how uncomfortable you are? I now ask my sister if I can hug her and accept that she will sometimes say no. I feel better knowing that I am not hurting her (fibromyalgia) or causing her to do something against her will (autism).

With DS, I must admit that I have always encouraged him to say goodbye to family and friends. I'm interested to see what others do because I feel like this is a necessary social interaction for him to learn. I agree though that hugs and kisses should be willingly given and received and I don't know that we've taught him how to say no.

Sorry - I don't think I fully responded to your questions.

You are not being unreasonable to draw your own goodbye boundaries. I do think you need to clearly explain them and do that separately to the event, perhaps by phone? I expect your husband is trying to make a 'special case' to override them because he is worried about upsetting his family - that is such a difficult instinct to suppress. Again, I would clearly explain your boundaries to him and discuss your DS, but separately to any goodbye event. He really needs to support you, but is entitled to discuss with you how to approach the situation with your DS.

With regard to shutdown, I'm afraid I don't know. I learn something new about myself (also awaiting diagnosis) and DS every day. I think that being autistic doesn't have to mean being uncompromising, but navigating what can and can't be compromised is a huge challenge.

I guess in my mind it's a matter of consent and you don't force consent on people. My son seems to find goodbyes so 'painful' so I'm trying to cut performative nonsense for us both.

This is such a loaded topic.

It shouldn't be!!

As you say it is a consent issue, and that isn't a negotiable topic. If somebody doesn't consent, then that is it.

But older generations seem to not understand this, they were raised with "go give your Auntie Mabel a big kiss" and expected to do it, no questions, no thought of a childs wants or preferences ever entered minds. When casual invasions of body space (from men towards women especially) were everyday experiences.

It isn't an excuse, but an explanation of their, well, fucked up mindset imposed upon whole generations. And it's only the current changing world that has highlighted it's as much a consent issue to force a child to kiss as it is getting a pinched bum at an office party!

I hate it, I accept it from my SIL as we see her so rarely, but I just move away as if busy before the hugging atmosphere starts, get into the car quicker etc and for the most part my MIL has accepted I don't "do" hugs. Honestly LOVED that aspect of the pandemic. No hugs. Awesome!

I do do polite goodbyes, as the PP said, it is a part of society, and when I bailed on a soft play party (I DID say goodbye to the host) before I had a meltdown, somebody was so horrible to me about it.
If you can establish physical boundaries, the verbal part can be a lot easier as you won't be upset or stressed.

That's horrible that you were treated that way. I guess you know to give them a wide berth.

Yeah I think the thing is that I hate the dramatics around everything and when I mention it it is always perceived as a (melodramatic) attack.

But yeah, I absolutely need to raise ds with clear consent boundaries. I don't want him getting the wrong end of the stick and learning it's ok for one person to ignore anothers boundaries.

It's just frustrating because it involves yet more discussion about it and I would prefer just to text non direct. Not a hugger. Accept that. Thanks.