Autism - I'm autistic so will my child be?

[Lolarosemarie]

I have never posted on here before but feeling totally overwhelmed from a realisation I had yesterday and looking for some support.

I started my autism diagnosis when I was 16 and had it confirmed when I was 21. I’m now 24 and very aware of how different it makes me every day, and how hard it is living with high functioning autism. I’ve always wanted children in the future and I don’t know why this had never dawned on me until yesterday, but I suddenly thought ‘shit, if I have a kid it’ll probably be autistic’. To be honest, it’s absolutely broken me. I have no idea how this has never crossed my mind before but it genuinely hadn’t. When I’ve been depressed I’ve thought how I don’t want to bring a child into such a messed up world, but now it’s actually hit me that if I have a child they’ll most likely have all the same struggles as me. I'm fully aware anyone having a baby takes the risk they may have health issues, but this feels different and like I'm setting them up for failure knowing how much it affects my life. I know I haven't fully accepted my own diagnosis yet as I really resent the fact I was assessed so late, and spent my whole childhood so lost and confused. I went to private school so felt even more let down that not even they had picked it up with so much one to one tuition etc. I have spoken to a few friends and had the classic response of 'but you're not that autistic' as I'm high functioning and own a business, have a partner, horses and other hobbies etc, so just looking for if anyone else has had these thoughts/experiences.

Thank you x

It is so good you are asking these questions before having children, they should totally be explored.
I have one DS and he is on the spectrum + possible ADHD. I have known I am autistic for 10 years, before having my son. But it never bothered me much, I've just been different, quirky, which is fine! Up until recently I did not fully understand how little things affect me. Social interactions have always been draining, but I never paid attention to the amount of effort it takes to recover. I have been struggling with an autistic burnout for the last month and other things besides social interaction became so apparently draining to me: planning food shopping, going into town to run errands, even going to the shop a minute away, doing the school run and all the masking, even washing my hair!.. I have also become very aware why parenting has been challenging to me (apart from the challenge of having a child on the spectrum) - it means extra noise, extra touch, being interrupted, being needed all of the time and so much more.

With this recent burnout I am so much aware of the pain that my child is probably already experiencing with the outside stimuli. And I'm also aware that future pain is inevitable. I am sorry I sound quite sad and negative - but these are literary the thoughts I've been struggling with for the past month.

My husband and I are both late diagnosed Autistics. Much later than you!

We had 2 children already, he was diagnosed when our youngest was less than a year old, I was a couple years later (delayed by Covid).

Both our children are delightful. One won Student of the Year award out of 100 others in her year, their teachers all love the way (I believe) our Autistic natures have raised them... with manners, curiosity, with a respect for rules but to question unfair ones, with dedication to detail, organisation, artistic, observation and empathy for others, passion for reading and learning new things. They both are excelling at martial arts, combining focus, rules and art with fitness.

I don't know if they are autistic, they both show signs, but it's hard to tell with the fact children mirror parents. We are monitoring it, school are aware we are both autistic and to watch our children. One is having issues with selective mutism, but it's not impacting her that often.

We are unsure how to move forward with assessment, as assessments only asses you when you are already broken, it has no way to identify happy and thriving autistic children.
Which makes me angry on a level I never knew I could when I realised this point talking to my husband about it.

It's not all sunshine and rainbows, but neither is it a given you have to let go of the dreams you have of having children.
I struggle hugely with the playground politic bullshit, I don't like most parents, I hate with a passion the parties, especially softplay ones.

It can be hard but more so from the point of view that ND kids often struggle to fit into this NT world, but my job is to help my DS do that while also celebrating his wonderfully unique self! Being autistic isn't always a terrible thing. Yes there are challenges, but he is wonderful and we as a family are our own unique blend of kooky and authentic and happy.

Consider this - the world your children grow up in will not be the same as yours. Acceptance and accommodation is vastly improved now, even compared to 10 years ago (and it's not even recognisable from when I grew up in the 70s and 80s).

That's not to say that, if they are autistic, they won't have difficulties...but they won't be seen as weird aliens the way we were.

As an aside...my daughter isn't mine biologically and is definitely not ND, but because I've been around since she was 3-4...well, her HR department have been hassling her to seek diagnosis and workplace accommodations. It turns out I've accidentally trained her to appear to be autistic. We both think this is pretty hilarious :D

it's common for autistic parents to also have autistic children, i have two (F12 and F8)

It has been really interesting to read all of these different perspectives - sorry this is something you have been struggling with OP.

I only learned about my Autism and ADHD since having kids and it is something I have really struggled with. Knowing that it is something I could have passed on is quite painful. I feel like I am so hypervigilant when it comes to their development and it makes me feel so guilty. Ultimately, I am just scared about them going through the same emotional turmoil as I have. I really overthink about what I would do if they show signs too - when would I seek a diagnosis? What if it's just developmental anxiety on my part? What if they are happy and seeking a diagnosis ruins that? So many hypothetical worries and questions - they are still so little and I wish I could detach myself from the worry.

It is a consideration but not guaranteed they will be autistic. I have two children, one is and one is NT. what I have noticed is while there are struggles my daughter is getting far more support and understanding than I ever did.