Potential autism or just anxiety?

[Blueberrypizza]

Hello,

I hope it's OK to post here (and do tell me if not!)

V long story short, my youngest DD was struggling with outbursts/meltdowns a year or so ago and in googling what might help her I came across various refs to autism. As I read up on it, I started to see some similarities with me. Then I watched the Christine McGuinness documentary and so much of what she said resonated. I feel like a fraud thinking I could possibly have autism though as I have anxiety and had some issues in childhood which I expect could offer some explanation for why I am who I am. But there's a niggle.

I wondered if you wise folk could let me know if I'm completely barking up the wrong tree or not? I've not said anything about it to anyone IRL as I worry I'd be dismissed. These are some of the things that have prompted this post:

• I have hardly any friends. I don't know how to make them and if I do seem to get on well with someone, I don't know how to maintain it. I feel like I'm always on the outside trying to work out how other people do it. It makes me sad and feel like there's something wrong with me.

• I'm a perfectionist. I'm also incapable of breaking any rules. Literally. We went on a UK holiday in the summer and I collected a bag of stones/ pebbles from the beach. That night my OH joked that he was surprised I did as it's against the law. I panicked, googled, discovered it is and then insisted on doing a detour back to the beach on the way home the next day to put them all back.

• terrible at directions, I get lost very easily and struggle with maps.

• High IQ - was in Mensa as a child (162). Generally did very well academically.

• I get stressed by going to new places if I don't know what's going to happen. I was invited to a gig next year and was ready to say no simply because I didn't know who else was going, how we'd get there, how we'd get home etc. I bailed on a friend's hen weekend years ago for similar reasons.

• Stupidly keen attention to detail.

• I find small talk hard work if I'm not with people I know well. Often avoid eye contact with someone I know if I pass them in the street to avoid it.

• Often dwell on conversations/ texts afterwards in case I went on too much/said something inappropriate or offensive. I sometimes have to consciously remember to ask people questions or I just keep talking.

• Sometimes practise conversations in advance e.g. before a medical app or school meeting

That all being said I don't have any obvious sesnory issues that I can think of - I prefer certain consistencies of food but it doesn't stop me eating anything. I did the AQ50 a few times over the last few months and generally score around 27.

Any thoughts?

I was reading somewhere recently that said no-one NT would be questioning whether they might be ND. I know that's way too simplistic, but there's enough there for you to be exploring the idea.

Everything you mentioned sounds very familiar. I didn't think I had sensory issues, but realised that I have plenty: strong sense of smell, seek strong flavours (sour sweets, pickled and fermented foods, blue cheese, etc), really uncomfortable with anything touching my face or covering my eyes, notice small sounds (fridge buzzing, etc), struggle to concentrate and easily distracted if there is too much noise.

When I eventually spoke with the GP, they did ask me why I thought I was autistic and also how it was impacting my life. My DH was a big support in recognising that I am probably autistic. Do you have a partner or someone very close to you that you could open up to?

My GP asked me to complete the AQ-10. For what it's worth, I scored 9.

Thank you for taking the time to reply!

I just did the AQ10 and got a 7.

I think my worry about saying something irl is because I'm an anxious person, it'll be assumed it's just my anxiety making me think like this and then I wonder sometimes if it is? Like I feel guilty almost for thinking this might be an explanation for why I don't fit in.

My OH and I are v similar so he probably wouldn't think there was anything amiss with me 😅

I guess the difference is that autism isn't "treatable", but anxiety could be. Do you think you could try talking therapy? A close friend of mine (NT) had awful anxiety after the pandemic and she's found cognitive behavioural therapy very useful. She found a Zoom practitioner, but it took her a couple of goes to get the right therapist for her.

Thank you. I've had 2 lots of cbt in the last 3 years and I'm on sertraline so I feel that the anxiety symptoms which were really impacting my life (e.g. catastrophising) are pretty much under control. It's more that I think that if I say 'I'm wondering if I could have autism' then either the fact I'm thinking it would be put down to anxiety or the 'symptoms' themselves will be put down to anxiety. I'm not sure if I'm explaining myself v well 🤦‍♀️

I read posts on here and think 'I do that!' but then almost chastise myself for reading too much into it. It's most the social aspect which got me to this point. Like, I don't understand how people have friends they can just nip out for a coffee with or celebrate birthdays with - I turned 40 this year and whilst I went out for a meal with OH, I didn't have anyone else to mark it with. Perhaps I'm just not great friend material 🤷‍♀️

It's great that you've found something to control the worst aspects of your anxiety!

I think I understand. You're worried that if you were to tell a professional that you suspected autism that they would think that your anxiety was leading you to misdiagnose yourself?

I've started a diary of memories and behaviours that seem to be explained by being autistic. Could that help you to validate your feelings and provide a talking point for the future?

I'm 40 next January! I'm very sociable, but find it incredibly hard to connect with people on a deeper level. I have some friends, but they are all quite separate from each other. A couple of friends from secondary school that I see individually every so often, two friends from university that I speak with on a group chat and meet up with once a year, and a couple of friends that are married to my husband's friends.

This is so cliché, but my best friend is definitely my husband. We've been a couple since we were 17 and 18. There's no one I trust more and who knows me better. 🥰

I think you sound like a lovely person and definitely friend material!

You're too kind! I think the diary idea is a good one.

I guess I just need to decide whether I pursue it or not. I'm not known for being decisive 😅

Meant to add ... I went to the hairdresser today and was reminded how much I dislike small talk 😅

I hate small talk too. Would love a silent hairdresser (I've heard this is a thing now!), but I am awful for filling silences because I feel like I'm being rude, so talk incessantly. It's one thing I really dislike about myself! Half the town probably know my life story. 😅

OP, I could have written this post as I can identify with everything you have described. I definitely have sensory issues as well, though, which have got worse the older I get (I'm in my 50's). I've never sought a diagnosis and it's only been in the last couple of years that I have questioned autism.

(By the way I didn't know it was illegal to take pebbles from a beach, I'm feeling guilty now from "crimes" committed over the years!!)

Apparently it is! I had taken a few large ish ones for the garden but yeah, made my other half do a detour on our way home from holiday back to the beach in question to put them back. I just cannot bring myself to be a rule breaker even where logically no harm will come of it. I struggled a lot in Covid with the rules - if someone had stopped on the street to say hi whilst we were in the front garden I would panic that they weren't 2m away. I mean, even if they were 1.5m away it wouldn't have made any difference but the rules said 2m so in my head that was that.

I've appreciated the replies to this. I'm still no clearer in my own mind as to whether I'm potentially barking up the wrong tree or not tbh 🙈

This sounds a lot like me apart from the academic bit. I would look into getting an assessment if you can afford private. NHS seems to have a very long waiting list for adults. It's worth looking into. I was in the same boat. I wondered on and off for a while if I had it. It took a friend of mine who is ND and has ND kids to point out it could be ASD.