Putting off assessment for ASD

[EmmaDilemma5]

I'm sorry this seems quite jumbled...

So I've had suspicions that I could be ND for a few years now. I'm 35 with a long term partner and young children. I've only started to really think about it since having children. Before then, I would have low level depression but my lifestyle seemed to fit my personality but since kids, I've had to adopt a lifestyle that doesn't seem to really work for my mental health.

It's getting to the stage where I'm feeling increasingly stressed, anxious and unhappy and I know I need to do something. It's affecting how I'm feeling about my work, my relationship, everything. But I don't know what to do.

I'm worried I'm making a mountain out of a molehill. That I'm making it all up somehow.

My main "symptoms" are;

1. for as long as I can remember I've felt like I'm acting. I act at being a mum, I act at being a friend. At work I'm acting at being professional. The only time I'm not acting is when I'm alone or with my partner.

2. I often feel like I'm on the outside of a bubble looking in. I'm outside of my head.

3. I constantly analyse and assess social interactions. I now avoid them where possible except with my friend of 20 years.

4. I bite my nails, skin, lips, inner mouth. I also pluck hair and pick at spots, bites etc.

5. as a child I used to constantly pair things in my mind. Streetlamps would have to be grouped into pairs. Same with paving slabs and people etc.

6. I struggle with certain things in life that go on to create intense anxiety and sometimes meltdowns.

• being late is a big thing to this day. I get very anxious within 10 mins of having the leave the house and if we're even 5 mins late, I'm majorly stressing.

7. socialising can feel awkward and I don't have a lot of friends.

Anyway... I'm stuck in a rut. I don't want to go to see the doctor as I'm sure they'll just prescribe me anti-depressants and I don't feel that's a solution for me. I do feel low but for no known reason and I don't want to rely on drugs for the rest of my life.

I have had therapy in the past which worked temporarily. I'm looking into this again but many seem online now and that doesn't work for me.

I could get an ASD assessment but it's thousands of £££ privately and I worry it could be a huge waste of money if I'm not ND.

Does anyone else relate? Did it take you a long time to get an assessment? What finally made you seek it out?

Thanks in advance.

I know what you mean about the medication. I have been on antidepressants for long periods of time in my life. They can really make a big difference. I am off now because of the side effects and I can really feel how AD were actually working previously. There is no shame in getting medication though. It can be alarming how easily people get prescribed with ADs. I feel if it is a long-term depression medication is worth looking into. It can give you a boost and capacity to something in your life so that it is less stressful for you.
As for the therapy - absolutely worth looking into. I honestly think that CBT, which is the go-to nowadays, might not be working for the majority of autistic people. The therapist needs to be aware of your ASD traits and tailor therapy accordingly.

I've felt different for all of my life - not really fitting in, with just one or two friends who would not find me weird. Working a lot (special interest), avoiding socials. Now, looking backwards, I realise how social interactions affect my bandwidth. It is especially tough since having DS, who needs attention, touch, interrupts, does not sleep through... All of that takes away the resource and I feel like I can spend the rest of my life under the duvet.

As for your ASD diagnosis - what do you think will be the benefit of getting a diagnosis? It can help you accept who you are better, but it won't change all the symptoms. Imagine you now have autism diagnosis. What has changed for you?