Autistic burnout. How to accept your autism?

[londonsquirrel]

I have been struggling for the past month, I am so tired of masking, even doing the school run is a torture. I avoid going into town or to the local shop, which is a minute's walk away. Basic things are a challenge - like thinking about food, it is just so overwhelming I end up being hungry or eating rubbish food... I have recently realised that I am living through an autistic burnout, not just a flare up of my anxiety.

I never thought my autism would prevent me from living everyday life. I've always felt different and not fitting in, but that was fine. Until I had to move a chair to get into the loft today and I felt so overwhelmed that literally had a to lie down for a moment between taking the clothes off the chair and moving it to the landing... It dawned on me I had these moments before: shutting off the social world, switching off after work. So it has always been like that, autism has always been an invisible disability for me. I have always felt different, and that is fine. But I cannot get my head around the fact that I cannot do as much as NT people. I keep comparing myself to the people I studied or worked with, they have achieved so much. And I just cannot reach the same things, because I'm perpetually overwhelmed. How do I accept it?

1. Can you take a break from work? Book leave? Take a sabbatical? Reduce your hours? Quit?
2. Can you simplify your life? I'll enumerate what I do in the bulleted list.
3. Stop comparing yourself to others. You'll never be happy with your life if you keep treating other people's lives as the model for your own.

My simplifications.

• Huel is your friend when you can't face food prep.
• Robot vacuum cleaner, dishwasher, if I can automate a task, I've done so.
• Ironing is for suckers unless the occasion is a job interview or black tie.
• Stop trying to multi-task on bad days. It might in principle take less time to combine errands, but the mental load will overwhelm you, then you'll forget or miss something, then you'll get annoyed with yourself. Better to finish two tasks than botch four.

Thanks@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia , these are very helpful points.
I think I wanted to understand how other people wrap their heads about the fact that they have to make all of those adjustments. It just feels like disability to me and it is not the way I envisaged life. I know life does not always go in accordance with the plans. But most of the people - i.e. NT people - don't have to take a break between simple tasks. It just feels so unfair, and I don't know how to grieve through this...

In a world built for neurotypical people, autism is disability. That's the most important thing to understand.

I definitely feel very disabled lately @VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia .
I didn't have that feeling before - I was just different and that was fine. But now it is so very obvious that I was imagining my life and opportunities to be the same as for all the NTs around me. Now I all of a sudden I realise that I am disabled (and have always been). In a way, I'm grieving about my dreams and my future. And I also feel stupid that I was not fully understanding my own self and my abilities before. And if I didn't understand them well previously - how can I expect myself to understand them better now.

'In a world built for neurotypical people, autism isdisability. That's the most important thing to understand.' - this!

It's certainly difficult to try and be less hard on yourself and let certain expectations of yourself go. I experienced burnout for years and eating/dysphagia became a real problem.
On better days, I prepare/ make easy to chew/swallow foods that have all nutrients I need in larger quantities and freeze them. It's so nice to grab something delicious and quick when you are feeling crap. It's like being kind to your future self 😍 Obviously all that be kind slogan stuff has got annoying over the past few years, but really, be kind to yourself and give yourself as many comforts as you can materially manage. Think of the things that feel cosy, nourishing, enriching, interesting ....and allow yourself to have/do them.

I'm in perimenopause as well so there's much adjustment mentally and physically to go through there as well.

Keep going OP 🌸

Thanks @wakeupandbefunky !
I feel that I let myself be myself and was kind to myself over the past few years. But this "being kind" equals to adjustment in order to not be overwhelmed by life. And it feels never ending. With NT people it might be taking a break from work. Yet I feel like I need a break from life, which is not an option, when you have a family. I also feel guilty I cannot give my DS a good example how to function in life. I am worried about his future as well as he is on the spectrum and I don't want him to go through the pain that I am going through. I see myself as a total failure in terms of human evolution...

This burnout will not last forever, it's frustrating and worrying but it will not last. You can only do what you can do. Are you able to ask for more help from anywhere? Have you had all your bloods done/GP consult to check for other possible co-occurring health conditions that exacerbate?