Autism and TTC

[Minnie2012]

My DP and I are getting married soon, and are completely torn about whether or not to TTC.

When we first got together I was 100% determined I wanted children, and was absolutely heartbroken to have been diagnosed with a number of gyne issues not long after we got together.

Over time I’ve began to accept having children might not be in our future, and he is happy either way. The issue now is that the possibility of a family feels so far away, I’m not even sure if it’s right for us anymore.

To add to this, I am awaiting an assessment for autism - I’ve scored really highly on all the screening tests and feel like I’ve finally found an explanation for everything.

We are both relatively successful in careers we really enjoy. While we can’t imagine what it would be like to actually have a little one, we’ve got the right ‘foundations’, so to speak - both with lovely, really involved parents (who’d be delighted at the prospect of a grandchild!), we’re not massively into drinking and socialising, our house has room for a little one and we’re financially secure, and we could both condense our working weeks to be around for school plays/sports day etc.

But the more we learn about neurodiversity, the more I worry we might not be able to cope…I massively value my quiet/alone time and generally need a lot of sleep to be able to function. I can be quite quick to anger when overwhelmed and am definitely not as expressive as DH, but can be a really good listener. Socially, I really, really struggle and I find friendships quite challenging. I spent a lot of my childhood really unhappy as a result of bullying due to being the odd one out, and am so worried about inflicting this on a child, given how likely it is that I would pass my autism on.

Sorry for the massive post, I suppose I’m wondering how much your ADHD/Autism factored into decision-making when deciding to TTC? Do you find you’re able to manage day-to-day family life okay? E.g., how would I manage talking to a child about their feelings when I don’t know how to manage mine? What if I got overwhelmed and shouted at them and really damaged our relationship? How would I support them to manage friendships when I’m so awkward socially, I can’t relate? I wouldn’t change a thing about my life now, I feel so fortunate to have found DH, but I’m not sure I want to bring a child into the world for them to endure all the bullying I went through, as they may not find the happiness I’ve found at the end of it all….

I suppose I just want to make a decision either way so I can either open my mind more to the possibility, or close the door on that chapter and move on…Appreciate no one can predict the future but I’d be really grateful for your thoughts, and I’m so sorry if this causes any offence to those of you who do have children.

Thank you x

With the benefit of hindsight, I would not have had any children.

Not because I have struggled particularly, quite the opposite, I have enjoyed parenting very much so, but because I have 3 ND children who have their own struggles and I would never have willingly chosen that.

Not the most popular opinion I'm sure but people will often discuss this from their POV but I think you need to look at it from any potential disabled child's POV.

I'm also not a fan of 'I wouldn't change them' statement's though, much as I love my DC of course I would absolutely change them if I could take away their autism, anxiety, OCD etc.

I'm sorry that's probably not what you wanted to hear and I'm sure plenty of people who don't agree will be along soon

@octodrive

Thanks so much for your input and no need to apologise at all.

It’s tough to imagine it from a child’s POV as I am in such a good place at the moment - the various difficulties at school and the years following now very much feel as though they were a means to an end…

But then again, there’s no guarantee everything would work out for DC, and I suppose if I could change that period of time, I probably would, and I certainly wouldn’t wish it on anyone else…

Lots to think about - thank you.

I didn't know I was autistic when TTC first or second time round, so it had no effect at all.
However, DH was working and I wasn't (I was extremely anxious and awkward

Well that posted early - whoops

...(I was extremely anxious and awkward and I wasn't able to face work). When I was 21 we had twins and basically if I'd known I was autistic I'd have waited longer! I barely coped with them and they were easy babies - and I hadn't developed the coping strategies that I have now for sensory issues, etc.
We waited 6 years before TTC again but when DD3 came along another 3 years later it was like starting again - we'd forgotten everything! It also turned out that unlike the twins, DD3 was NOT an easy baby, turned out to be autistic and a year after she was diagnosed so was I.

I have been a much better, calmer and more capable parent to DD3 as I really wasn't ready for kids at age 21, but OMG the stress! She is "more severely" autistic than I am (needing quite a bit more support than I ever did) and this is apparently common for neurodiverse people.

Thanks, @EverySporkIsSacred. Good to hear a different perspective, and that you’ve been able to develop coping strategies.

Hope your daughter has the support she needs and is doing well.

I didn't know I had ADHD/ASD when I had my DC. I just thought I was a one-off. I had no idea that my DC would suffer as I did. No way on earth would I willingly choose this life for them.

if I could take away their autism,

You can't, it's core to who they are. There isn't a neurotypical child trapped inside.

I decided in my teens that I did not want children or marriage. I have never regretted that decision and I'm now in my forties. My recent autism diagnosis applies a diagnostic label to what I've always known: that I simply would not cope with children.

If you aren't sure you want kids, then don't. It's better to regret not having them than to regret having them.

I have adhd/asd diagnosed after my children. I have 3 children all 3 have asd one one asd/adhd. I love my girls with all my heart however 2 are very severe needs will never live independently, I've had to give up every dream/hope I had for myself and put my everything into my children just to meet their basic care needs.

I would like to add that although I am just about coping with DD3, I myself have never worked - I have just concentrated on parenting and as @Sprinkles211 said, I have had to shelf anything else I have wanted to do with my life.

Thanks so much for all your comments…they have been massively helpful and I think have confirmed some of my worries about my own future, however difficult that may have been for me to admit.

Really appreciate you all taking the time to reply and wishing you and your DC all the best x

It is good that you're considering all of those points now!

I was not aware of my autism when I had my DS. Up until recently I was not even fully aware of how badly it affected me. I always felt I'm not fitting in / different / quirky. But that was fine, it was okay for me to be a bit different, even fun at times. But now I realise how normal everyday life things actually affected my bandwidth: social situations are draining, unpredictable things throw me off. I was able to recover before DS without it being too life limiting: I spent time alone, ordered a takeaway, stayed in bed all day. I was doing it without fully understanding that the life is overwhelming me as an autistic person. Without tracking where those moments are coming from. Now with family there is less flexibility - which also overwhelms me, I am constantly needed, which includes not just interaction, but touch as well (overwhelming). I don't have the capacity to restore my normal self on a day to day basis. I feel like over the years I got worse with the autism manifestations because the demands are growing...

DS is also on the spectrum and is probably ADHD. He wasn't been an easy baby... I can see now how things overwhelm him too and it breaks my heart to see that he is not fitting in, struggles to make friends, even to learn. And there's a lot of grief that I'm struggling to process - both about my future as a person who is now perpetually overwhelmed, and my son's future.

There's a lovely piece called "Welcome to Holland" by Emily Perl Kingsley. It pretty much describes how I feel. But double that - because I've just realised how my own autism manifestations are exacerbated by parenting...