I don't understand the difference between being sociable and masking

[Noclothestowear]

I was diagnosed dyslexia a year ago which explains my executive functioning and working memory issues aswell as the actual reading and writing stuff. But I also have some autistic & ADHD traits so I am wondering about them too.

Anyway I have read unmasking autism by Devon Price and I am still unsure about where the line is between masking and just being sociable. Anyone want to discus this or explain what they think the difference or similarities between the two are.

To me, being sociable is when I am with somebody I want to be with, doing things I actually enjoy and behaving like myself.

Masking is the vapid fake smiling and pretending I give a monkey's about a stupid neurotypical argument you had because you can't communicate openly with your husband, to other Mum's etc outside the school gates. Or in situations when I am uncomfortable and stressed, but to not speak is "too weird" and I need to hide my distress at the noise, like at class birthday parties.

Thanks @WeirdPookah . Do you have friends or people who you can behave yourself with? What are those relationships like?

I guess the part I struggle with is that I know I can come across as cold and I want people to experience me as warm as I do have warm feelings. So I intentionally change my language or gestures to show what I am feeling rather than just doing what feels more natural to me.

I know that sounds like obvious masking but I am deciding to do it and I like the result of it but it is exhausting.

I guess I feel like it would be impossible for me to unmask and have friends. Oh that's sad! But I need friends!

I know that sounds like obvious masking but I am deciding to do it and I like the result of it but it is exhausting.

Yes I'd say that's definitely masking - changing your behaviour to be acceptable in an NT world. That is also the problem with masking - it is exhausting!

Maybe the answer is mask at first until you get to the point in the friendship where you can explain if you come across as cold it's because you are ND - and maybe give some examples. Mind you maybe having to do all that is just as exhausting!

I have my husband, we are both late diagnosed autistics, but our unmasked relationship began almost immediately when he wasn't horrible to me about finding it hard to make eye contact when we met in real life!! Obviously didn't know back then that that was what it was, but we have always been better at sharing our space and being ourselves.

@itsmyp4rty thanks for your reply.

Yes I'd say that's definitely masking - changing your behaviour to be acceptable in an NT world. That is also the problem with masking - it is exhausting!

Maybe this is splitting hairs but I wouldn't say I do it to be acceptable but I do it so that they can understand how I'm feeling and my intentions. If I don't mask people always ask me if I'm OK, if I want to be there etc. And I just find it easier/have decided to behave in their language I guess.

I'm not saying what I'm doing is right. But maybe I am being defensive.

@WeirdPookah that's great that you've found acceptance and understanding with your partner. 💕

@WeirdPookah I love your comment and examples, they really resonate with me :)

@Noclothestowear Your message was a while ago now, so I’m not sure if you’ll see this, but I just wanted to say I also feel the same. It seems like some people have a clear idea straight away of when they are masking and times when they’re not. For me, I feel like it’s a spectrum where I’m always masking to some extent, probably through a habit of many years of learning to fit in in the world (not saying this is right, this is just how it is for me). For me, I just try and be aware of it and not have too much time where I am heavily masking as this is very draining. Also, I also think that NT people mask to some extent- no one acts the same in all situations and would act differently for example at work, so maybe masking is part of being human, it’s the extent you do it that increases when you’re autistic. Not sure if that makes any sense, but just wanted to reply as your message resonated with me.

@Oscar5 thanks.

I feel like there's a pressure to unmask in order to be accepting of being neuordivergent but I choose to mask when I first meet people or if I'm in a new place because I feel like a rabbit in the headlights.

If I didn't mask in those times I would come across like a cold, uninterested, idiot...which I like to think I'm not.

Once I've got comfortable with my surroundings and with people I don't need to mask as much because I'm not dealing with information and processing overload. But I feel like the neurodiversity movement would view this as not being true to myself or not being neurodiversity affirming.

I feel like I mask for myself not for other people. Obviously masking for other people would be unhealthy.

Maybe there are different types of masking. Some types of masking can help your body show what’s inside you (eg., warmth, interest in others). Maybe this type, whilst hard work, is less likely to lower your self esteem as you are trying to make yourself more inline with your intentions, rather than cover up how you really feel.

I’m not sure that masking to accommodate someone else is always unhealthy. It definitely can be if you overdo it. In some ways I think it’s just being kind to change how you interact to accommodate someone. For example, you could make sure you listen to the other person even if you just want to talk yourself.

Thinking about it, maybe the neurodiversity moment is going for an overall reduction in masking and increase in accepting people as they are. Maybe some people over generalise this and think they mean never mask in day to day life. I guess both interpretations are valid but I think I’m in the ‘overall’ camp, rather than the ‘never mask in any interaction’ category. I try to reduce masking so I don’t get too tired, but I don’t think I should never do it.

For those on the spectrum, socialising may be appealing but it takes huge intellectual effort. Almost like an internal monologue running constantly- am I saying the right thing? am I pulling the right expression? She’s talking about something sad so I must look serious. Where do I put my hands? It can feel exhausting and a lot of your social interactions involve adapting your words and behaviour to ‘please’ the other person. This can make group situations daunting as you have different people with different demands. It just isn’t the natural free flowing process that most (not all) NT people experience. It can result in you not really knowing yourself because all your interactions involve suppressing aspects of yourself and moulding into what you think you’re supposed to be.

Doesn’t everyone “mask” to an extent, socially?

Feigning interest where there’s little of it/entertaining in-laws where actually, you’d rather have the day to yourself, quietly reading a book or going for a long walk with the dog?

For me (late diagnosis) the “problem” really kicks in if I don’t have a cut off point. I need to know when something will be over. If I have a too long period of something my social energy for that particular situation/people is drained. I get quieter and quieter and the next day, I’m completely exhausted. I don’t need to go sit in a dark room with a fidget spinner, I’m capable of “being” with others but, my ability to socialise with “those I’m trying hard with” is done!!

I think a lot of NT people are like that too.

What does it mean when ND people say they struggle with all sorts of relationships (work etc), would this be in relation to having to mask a lot of the time?

No one can answer that on behalf of all ND people. Why don't you ask the person that said it to you.

@Noclothestowear I found it confusing as they seem to think they are lost/different whereas I think they have lots of friends/know lots of people