Am I just the eternal punchline of the paradoxical joke of life?

[CosmicSoup]

As per title, I'm totally bummed out.

Bit of a long read...

So I'm a 31yr old guy who is neurodivergent, autism diagnosis 2005 aged 13 and pending processing ADHD diagnosis post NHS consultation with a prescription for medication due in a week or so (bloody hope so!)

I was raised in secure care institutions from the age of 7 after social work safeguarding orders and the childrens panel removed me from my probably neurodivergent parents and abusive father and placed me into the permanent care of the authority until my 16th birthday. Mum and Dad rarely ever came to visit and I've been estranged from my family since age 16. I know I have some trauma surrounding this, in fact just writing this is causing me to break down.

In writing I feel I come across quite well, I consider myself fairly articulate and can make a point quite well with reasonable syntax and grammar (still don't have the hang of when/where to use the bloody semi-colon though!!!)
Whilst an inadvertent or impulsive Facebook messenger text might be impossible to redact, here it is quite easy to write a paragraph and sip some tea whilst reflecting on any potentially beneficial rewording.

In-person face to face communication is a variable struggle for me, but a constant one nonetheless. Due to the structure and style of my thinking patterns and thought processes I often come across as quite eccentric, quirky and really quite clinical at times in my verbal. It's weird though because, well, I guess it's the combination of the ADHD and Autism but I can swing from quite autistically rigid thinking that is linearly concrete to a very ADHD zingy and zany abstract style of thinking.

I seem to change like the weather psychologically, not in the split personality sort of sense but more like a complete lack of consistency, I'm honestly unsure as to whether I just can't hold my centre-point or I just don't have one. My sense of self is very murky, like someone on an acid trip spray painting the surface area of the bathwater and proceeding to stir it with a feather. The resulting visual is probably quite akin to my sense of self.

One thing I've observed is that extreme amounts of time alone can be beneficial in that it allows me time and space to introspect and consequently it's frequently remarked upon by others that I'm very self aware, but with this self awareness comes self consciousness, this is a suffering, but anytime my self consciousness has disappeared my self-regulation disappears with it, reflected in my behaviour and verbal and sometimes it gets me into A LOT of bother. Self consciousness is a double edged sword, its bloody awful and grinds me down but I depend on it in part for regulation. I suspect this is related to my autistic trait of not being naturally socially synchronized and failing to grasp cues, timings and contexts.

Empathy is another area I struggle in. Sometimes it seems like my emotional empathy is either on or off, and not always switched into the right position for the particular situation and context. That's with regard to emotional empathy, my ability for cognitive empathy is a lot more developed and consistent and whilst I can't fully grasp it I would say I'm a lot more cognitively empathic, I often know what others need even before they know, even if I'm not feeling it.
When I DO feel emotional based empathy though it often hits me like a freight train and can reduce me to ugly tears and actually render me quite ill.
I'm not sure if my emotional empathy deficit and inconsistency is merely a feature of my neurology OR in part because I'm almost scared to allow myself to feel emotional empathy when it arises because of how intense it can get.

Anger expresses similarly for me in it's dysfunction and disproportion, I'm quite introverted by nature and don't really express anger externally, more just internally until it gets to the point of extremity which is so intense I can almost feel myself fracturing, I can definitely feel my self regulation fracturing in these moments and I've lost jobs because of aggressive verbal outbursts that resulted in me screaming and breaking things or just not being able to let things go and feeling unable to stop creating drama and conflict with people and projecting my shit onto them.

I just..... I just don't know what to do. I feel like a f alien on the wrong planet, like... this isn't funny now guys, you can put me back now!

How on earth am I going to be able to keep carrying on for another 10,20,30 years? a lifetime? What will that look like? it feels as impossible to answer that as it probably will to live it. Dating seems pretty impossible for me, I can't make or keep friends, I'm estranged from my family, I cant hold down a job and everything just feels so fucking impossible. I literally cry as a means of emotionally purging and if I'm not doing this regularly enough my self regulation deteriorates to the point of self destructive behaviours, it's actually gotten me locked up a few times in the past. I know when it's needed because my mental state becomes extremely agitated and it almost feels like my mind is oscillating and it makes me completely unable to focus, fills me with frustration which turns into rage and then I'm smashing up plates in my kitchen, smacking myself in the face and it goes on like this until AT LAST I'm on my knees crying my eyes out, the harder the better usually and then it's a drug hit it's just pure relief... until the cycle repeats.

Please...just.... your thoughts?
Thanks for reading this!

Hopefully your ADHD meds will help once you get the dose right, although I'm told that that takes a while.

One of my colleagues uses the big punchbag at the gym to let off steam.

Do you want some level of reconciliation with your family or are you looking to move on?

Can you direct your negative energy as the previous poster suggested? A safer outlet, perhaps catching it earlier before it escalates. Work on identifying for yourself when you feel yourself sliding, and take it out on a punch bag earlier, or weight lifting, it's hard, repetitive and (positively) pushing your body to limits.

I thought it was hopeless to expect a life with a partner, both myself and my husband are late diagnosed, we didn't know at the time we met. But being with somebody who compliments the strengths and weaknesses of each others autism means we are really happy together.

I can hear the pain in your words, jumping off the page in quite vivid ways.

I'm true ND style a few things came to mind.

• You would make a fabulous author. Some times writing words you can't express in person the way you would like is therapeutic, but it's certain you have a way with words. It's art form and possibly one you don't realise you have. Explore it.

• Re partners, it may not that you are incompatible with having a partner but that you aren't dating the right kind. Now I don't mean "the right kind" like elderly family members would suggest, more your probably better suited to someone who is ND too. NT people tend to think that too much ND in a house would lead to discord but I disagree. Discord happens when you try to fit a ND person into NT rules and ways. My DH is Nd as are my children and we all get on fine until we engage with the world which is set up for NT people (as the rule) and I don't consider that to be a us problem but maybe a learning opportunity at both sides. Also ND people are less likely to judge you for your foibles.

• With what happened with your parents you must feel like you have lost your sense of gravity. I was fortunate enough to grow up with a family full of ND (back in the day eccentric people) so had the opportunity to grow and flourish into the weird old plant I have become. Needless to say I went into work that suited my nature because I was guided there and because it suited my nature I did well in it.

I suspect a bit like a flower that's placed in the desert- it is not you that needs to change but where you are "planted". A councillor specialising in this area would help. I suspect you see yourself as the problem when indeed I think it's not.

• It's also seems to me that ND tends to attract ND and get on better people who get it. It maybe that you haven't found your group yet but you will.

People on the real world will treat you as if your not right, arguably I have done well in life by accepting me as I am and letting go of the judgement (not the self reflection that's important) NT don't do half the self reflecting ND people tend to do or give themselves the same level of judgement.

So I suppose in summary instead of thinking where do I fit. The better question is who I want to fit in the situation I'm looking at, socially, work wise etc

I have a happy marriage children and a good job, I fucked up many times, and I will say the stately homes thread is something I visit on here and I suggest you do the same. Many many voices that will validate the feelings you may never get a satisfactory answer to in life. It's not a lot but it's a start

The fact your parents acted this way towards you wasn't a reflection on you, it was a them thing. Its a sad matter of fact there are plenty of Nd parents who don't do what happened to you and plenty of NT parents that would do the same as your parents.

You are not doomed to repeat their cycle, but I have to say being a breaker of generational trauma is dammed hard. Give yourself the empathy you deserved then and still deserve now.

And get a cactus to sit on your windowsill. A visual reminder that it is not the cactus fault if they thrive or fail. It's usually the situation and conditions that they are grown and even cactuses flower in the right situation.

Also fuck the ; rules I'm sure most people pretend to know it goes and it up as they go along anyway.

🌵 🌸 🌵

Do I want to fit** ffs typo

@namechangnancy

"being a breaker of generational trauma is dammed hard"
and insidious, invisible but felt even without awareness of it.

I will never produce a child I don't think, why produce a child with an ND female (not that any would look at me) for it to pretty much be guaranteed to have autism or adhd or ocd or goodness knows what. Not a fair chance in life.

As for dating, I refuse to consciously hurt a woman emotionally, and that's precisely what I'd do if I were to get with one tomorrow, not intentionally mind but I would hurt her, I'd put her through the ringer projecting all my shit and being self absorbed and insecure and well I have an avoidant attachment style so yeah there's that...

BUT... I would like to adopt a child one day, I have a spare room available as we speak, but I'd have to get my own shit sorted first. I need to learn to love, like literally open up to love, I am a very empathetic person but too much so, my empathy is felt so strongly I actually burst into tears and it makes me feel out of control and erratic, it makes me feel ill. I guess this is trauma right?

@WeirdPookah

The family estrangement to my biological family will be permanent, we WERE and ARE still an extremely dysfunctional family dynamic where emotionality was yucky and messy and avoided and conflict was solved passive aggressively or even aggressively, I can't remember it but according to my grandmother Dad used to pin me against the car and wave fists in my face threatening me to behave, he wasn't often physically abusive but very emotionally & mentally abusive.

Haven't had anything to do with or seen my brothers or sisters in around 15 years. My big sister is toxic to the point of possible personality disorder but definitely severe MH issues, one of my big brothers is an alcoholic who lives with my grandmother who has dementia, he ignores her and does nothing for her she never sees him. My other big brother is a workaholic and reasonably successful. My little sister was the golden child with the cherished childhood and has a seemingly perfect life with her partner. She never saw the pain the rest of us went through she was too young and daddy's golden girl, well so was big sis until she started growing tits and ol daddio couldn't handle the fact his princess was growing up. I guess my tone here is bitter. I have a couple cousins who have autism, it seems to run in the family and I can't EVER recall my mother asking me many questions or showing ANY love or interest in us, I think she might be autistic it's making me wonder, she was sooo self absorbed during our childhoods she showed fuck all love (crying as I write this, I know that it hurts me I just pretend it doesn't) and never visited me in care, obviously the "I love yous" were just words, not backed by any real authentic feeling. My Dad is the male equivalent of my mum.

I'm sorry if you cant be assed reading this, you don't have to reply if you don't want to I just need to get this down and feel like someones seen it, I guess I just have this unmet need to feel see, I feel so invisible and that I will just become this old freak one day just sitting on a park bench whiling the time till I die.

@CosmicSoup you need to head over to the stately homes thread. I'm serious because what your describing is massive amounts of childhood abuse . Being NT is hard v hard. But that compounded with all this trauma and abuse (and what you describe is abuse) must have been incredibly damaging no wonder your feeling how your feeling

There are many ND people who end up with each other and it's wise to sort yourself out mentally before going there but being ND or suffering abuse doesn't make you unlovable or unworthy. It means you need to get support actual support. Something you will shy away from because you have never had it.

I'm being very direct because I think you need to hear it. I was sexually abused as a child and it took me a long time to separate the abuse and trauma reactions from the ND reactions. In my opinion they aren't too dissimilar.

Have you thought about fostering? Once your in a better head place - there's healing in helping other people heal ~ I don't know why.

Re having children that's a personal choice and one I can't and won't try to convince you on. But I have found I'm a better parent because I'm ND but also because I'm so aware of what not to do as a parent. Don't rule it flat out based on passing on genetics of ND. I have thrived because of who I had. You were deeply unlucky to have had all this happen growing up, it wasn't a you problem it was a them problem and as I said ND or not some people are just arseholes.

Get thee to a councillor.

Keep talking. Your not alone. 🌵

I have read this.

You obviously need to share your words, and you do so very eloquently.

I have to say I am glad you harbour no feelings of need of a reconciliation. I hope that that finality can help you with perhaps counselling, to start to at least turn down the pain caused by the past.