I have never fit the mould for those unhelpful and all-pervasive stereotypes of autistic people.
I come across as outgoing
I have a job that relies heavily on good interpersonal skills
I am organised and proactive. One of those people who "just gets on with things"
I don't seem to have any physical sensory symptoms like bright lights, noise etc
No stimming or special interests
Highly empathetic
Neither academically advanced nor especially behind.
Without ticking these boxes, neurodiversity is something I had never considered for myself. If you'd suggested it, I'd have probably laughed.
But behind all of this is a very different reality.
I have spent my entire adult life dedicating all my energy to making myself seem more sociable, likeable, "bubbly" and easy to be around in a desperate bid to make people warm to me.
My interactions are scripted. If someone goes off-script, I struggle to formulate a coherent response on the spot.
The reality is that in my childhood and early teens I was the quietest in the class. Often went entire days without saying a word to classmates or teachers and played by myself.
School was so overwhelming that it took me several hours sitting in silence every evening to recover.
I still prefer being alone, though i crave the validation of friendship. I regularly need to step outside for breaks at family gatherings and I'm usually the one wandering off to look at something alone.
I have always struggled with groups of people and as an adult I only have a handful of friends I meet up with occasionally on a 1-1 basis.
I am sincere and take things very literally. I often miss the joke and end up feeling stupid.
Despite getting good grades it took every ounce of mental energy for me to focus on something and truly understand it. I fail to grasp things unless they're explained in a certain way. I often got by in school by simply memorising answers rather than actually managing to understand anything. As a result I struggle with independent/creative thought.
My emotions feel too big for me. Extreme lows and europhic highs. I am highly sensitive to the moods of others and often form co-dependant relationships. I struggle to communicate my emotions, preferring to stuff them down to make people like me, and then they get the better of me and erupt.
I can be very innocent and naive. I have a strong sense of wrong and right which often makes my opinions seem immature and underdeveloped.
My curiosity and enthusiasm makes me come across as quite childish.
I can be childlike in other ways. A sense of helplessness, playing with dolls into my teens, cuddling stuffed toys into my late 20s.
I'm sorry - I haven't ever used this forum before. If I've used any phrases or descriptions that are offensive that's absolutely not my intention. And I'm aware it must look like I've come on here with my epiphany expecting a round of applause.
But for me this is life-changing. I've spent my entire life feeling stupid, unsophisticated, unlikeable and emotionally immature. Never "enough". Spending every day feeling like I've missed the joke, like I don't understand things that seem obvious to everyone else, wondering how my peers all seem to have developed these much fuller, richer lives without becoming overwhelmed.
This makes me feel like maybe there's actually nothing wrong with me and I'm not failing or being lazy. Maybe this is me already operating at maximum capacity?
I'm not sure where I go from here! When you realised you were neurodiverse, did you tell people? There is still so much societal stigma and I worry it will make others see me as less competent or lacking in some way.
When you disclosed it to others, did it turn out that some people had already suspected?