Audhd mum had a meltdown in front of my kids

[Donotshushme]

I think both my kids, age 7 and 5 probably have adhd and/or autism too. Anyway we've had the whole summer holidays of disrupted routine and i don't think any of us are settling back into the school routine very well - the kids have been tied, fractious and argumentative pretty much every evening for the last 2 weeks. They mask at school and we cop it at home. Dh has gone out on a very very rare occurrence and normally we tag team bedtime. But just me this evening and the kids were pushing every button, not doing anything they were told and i was getting more and more stressed and they were laughing about it. Before i know it im crying my eyes out, they're crying because Ive scared them because they very rarely see me cry or lose control. We talked about it and why i was crying, but how do you tell them it's their behaviour that's caused it without making them responsible for your feelings? We got over it, had a really nice hour before bed and they've gone to bed with hugs and kisses but they said they felt really bad for me... seriously feeling shit about myself and the way I've handled things.

Please tell me I'm not alone? What can i do to make this better? I grew up being scared to express emotions as scared of a parents reaction , (id get the silent treatment though) desperately do not want my children to ever feel like i did.

I think it sounds like you handled it really well. You communicated with your kids, you showed them their mum has feelings too, and that their actions have consequences.
It's an extremely good learning opportunity for all three of you, cut yourself some slack.
Your kids won't feel like you did because you are clearly showing you love them.

It’s ok to lose control of your emotions. We all have limits. You have talked through what happened with your children, you’ve had cuddles. Everything is ok. You are definitely not alone in this. It sounds to me like you are emotionally available to your children in a way your parents weren’t for you and that in itself is brilliant. I’m AuDHD too and a few years down the line from you. My advice would be to get some clarity on the whole autism/ADHD thing by getting a referral for assessment, to get some neuro affirming, trauma informed therapy for you and find local support and time for yourself where possible around your responsibilities. You’re doing great.