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Neurodiverse Mumsnetters

Use this forum to discuss neurodiverse parenting.

Do you worry no one will attend your funeral?

14 replies

MumofOne1789 · 10/09/2023 15:44

I’m suspected autistic or on the spectrum somewhere. I just struggle to form connections with anyone. I’m lonely.

I had one DC and family but just feel like when I die, it will have very little impact on anyone, other than my one DC.

OP posts:
TreesAtSea · 10/09/2023 18:42

I wouldn't say I particularly worry about it, but I do sometimes have similar thoughts.

I'm not diagnosed but pretty much fit autistic and ADHD criteria. I'm in my mid-50s, don't have a partner or children, haven't worked for some years so don't have colleagues. I have two siblings and a couple of friends, all of whom are a lot older than me, so it's likely they may not be around when I go.

Because of being ND and owing to certain life experiences, my natural inclination is towards solitary interests and activities. So, yes, I'm pretty much alone. It's possible, of course, that I'll make connections with people in future, but it's going to be very difficult.

OP, aside from your child and other family that you mentioned, I'm sure there will be others who will miss you. There are a number of people I knew who have died over the years, who were only really acquaintances, but I was upset at their passing and often think of them. If they were here I'm sure most of them would be very surprised to know that, but it's true.

I haven't been to many funerals but, for what it's worth, those with just a few mourners were often the most touching and I don't mean because of the low numbers. It's just my view, but many of the people in the larger congregations I've been a part of seem to just be there as "hangers-on". Whereas I'd probably only attend a funeral for someone I was genuinely close to.

It's easier said than done, I know, but try to concentrate on the fact that you do have people who love you and who will mourn you, and perhaps there are also others who you'd be surprised to know also think highly of you and would miss you.

Septembergirl20 · 11/09/2023 12:44

I have thought about this and have made the decision that I'm going to have a direct cremation so I won't be having a funeral. I find funerals too sad anyway and would prefer people that know me remember the happy times. I feel since I made this decision it isn't something I worry as much about anymore

TreesAtSea · 11/09/2023 13:11

@Septembergirl20 That's a good idea re. direct cremation. I often feel as if I just don't really "get" the whole "funeral as a rite of passage/closure ritual etc" thing anyway, probably due to being ND.

The family funerals I've been to have felt more like something gut-wrenching that has to be got through, and not actually related to the process of grieving or representative of how I felt about the people gone.

ntmdino · 12/09/2023 16:00

I suspect I'll probably have 10-15 people at my funeral, purely family members.

I'll also likely have a few thousand people online wondering why I've disappeared (I run a large online community), probably followed in short order by those same people wondering why their forum's suddenly offline.

Clarice99 · 12/09/2023 17:15

Do you worry no one will attend your funeral?

I don't care. I'll be dead.

Direct cremation for me too.

TillyMollow · 12/09/2023 20:39

It has crossed my mind as I’d worry for my children that no-one else would be there (other half should i go first) at the funeral. I have so few friends, little in the way of family, only child that I think I might just have a tree planted somewhere nice in my memory instead and miss out the service part.

I struggle to really connect too, I’m sort of pleased I’m not the only one.

TreesAtSea · 12/09/2023 21:42

@TillyMollow I like the idea of having a tree planted too. I love trees and that would be something good to leave behind.

Anothershitusername · 13/09/2023 13:14

As long as I’m buried ,I don’t care who goes or doesn’t go
utterly terrified of being cremated,
but the funeral ,nah not bothered

brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr · 13/09/2023 18:21

Not really, would prefer not to have a funeral. Milestone birthdays are a bit sad I guess, my DW can have a party with lots of friends there, go away on weekends with friends etc.

Not that I’d want to do those things anyway even if I could. But it does shine a light on my differences.

comedownwithme · 14/09/2023 22:46

Clarice99 · 12/09/2023 17:15

Do you worry no one will attend your funeral?

I don't care. I'll be dead.

Direct cremation for me too.

This. I know there would be very little people there but I'm going for a direct cremation anyway.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 02:57

Clarice99 · 12/09/2023 17:15

Do you worry no one will attend your funeral?

I don't care. I'll be dead.

Direct cremation for me too.

I came here to post that.

Funerals are for the living, not the dead.

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 02:59

ntmdino · 12/09/2023 16:00

I suspect I'll probably have 10-15 people at my funeral, purely family members.

I'll also likely have a few thousand people online wondering why I've disappeared (I run a large online community), probably followed in short order by those same people wondering why their forum's suddenly offline.

You should consider succession planning for that forum.

heartofglass23 · 18/09/2023 09:04

When I was young and assumed I'd get married some day and was embarrassed at how few people I had to invite.

I have lots of acquaintances so prob would have a reasonably well attended funeral. But no one close who would really care.

ntmdino · 18/09/2023 09:34

VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia · 15/09/2023 02:59

You should consider succession planning for that forum.

Oh, I have - the problem is that nobody wants to take it on (well, some do, but I wouldn't remotely trust them to do anything other than try to make a quick buck out of it).

There were five of us 10 years ago when we started it, now I'm the only one left standing.

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