I’ve spent years feeling uncomfortable at work.
Whether I’m nannying, teaching, waitressing or working on a checkout.
I’m a high performer, make good relationships with colleagues and work doubly as hard at NT people in order to mask my adhd.
I’ve been in therapy for years due to childhood trauma and its impact on how comfortable I feel in myself.
I’ve always had a theme of feeling anxious around my boss, despite the fact that I’ve won the lottery with most of my bosses over the years.
Bar 1, I’ve been incredibly lucky with each of them so I don’t know why every relationship feels so embarrassing/ infantilising.
I’m about to start a Masters, which will eventually allow me to become self-employed because I can’t see myself overcoming this stress around having a boss anytime soon.
I find it stressful knowing that my boss’ reaction to or opinion of me could have an impact on my ability to keep a roof over my head, so I get swallowed up in perfectionism to avoid this, which is exhausting and basically unsustainable.
I don’t know whether it’s my neurodiversity that sits at the root of this discomfort but for someone with 30 years full time work left, it’s a pretty bleak prospect to be honest.
It might be that growing up I was very othered, it it might be that I’ve chosen a job that requires intense levels of executive function (something I lack naturally but work very hard to compensate for).
It could even be that my step mother abused her power over me.
I teach in a school and school was always a place of physical safety but a place where I was shamed for being slow, distracted , thick and naughty. A place where teachers seemed to have naturally good organisation skills and everything felt very structured naturally. I feel I can never be that person.
It’s probably a mix of the above but it’s really hard.
I find it cringey to ask to leave 10 minutes early or whether it would be okay to go to a Drs appointment. I’m scared of speaking my true feelings and when I do, I worry that the organisation will clamp down on me or give me a fake bad reference. I just struggle with it all to be honest. As I get older I can’t physically uphold the mask.
Various colleagues have asked to meet with me over the holidays but I don’t want to talk about work because I’m feeling so anxious about it that I have just semi-ghosted them.